I have been amazed at how many people have had similar experiences to myself. We are such creatures of conformity by very definition, so it is hard for anyone either going through what we have or for my friends out there who have been through the process of leaving all they know, in formative years to see or get any kind of closure. It’s good to hear of others that have / are finding a way forward with all the complications that tend to go with being raised in the organisation and then leaving it.
I have met many people in my life through my work and personally, who were raised in social care, or raised in very dysfunctional family units. Many of the traits they present in later life mirror behavioural similarities to people like us. Low self esteem, mood swings, the inability to relate to people on an emotional level. This is often coupled with a feeling of deep loss and isolation, and the inability to drive ones life. If I actually believed in re-incarnation (which I don’t incidentally), I really would be wondering what did I do in a past life to get given the “hey lets give this little chap same sex attraction and throw him into the lions den with the JW’s that’ll give us some sport!”
People within the organisation would argue that we all have our cross to bear so to speak (please excuse the pun, but humour is one of the things that has kept me going during the last 20 years as a dissociated person) But the men and women within the organisation are not trained psychologists and I am a firm believer in the religion of a little information can be very dangerous thing indeed. Instigating and being responsible for creating a flux in ones persona, where you are literally fighting yourself internally is not godly or indeed Christian. Children especially are simply not equipped to deal with this deeply destructive dynamic. It is important that we do not forget that we can be as damaged as people who have gone through years on psychological abuse, so be kind to yourself......
The love of god can only be won with compassion coupled with empathy. A straight elder cannot possibly understand what it is like to be chemically programmed to be gay.Or for a mature sister coaching a teenage "sister" who is being sexually abused by her older brother at home and sitting next him praying at the meetings. Both of these examples are facts in my life, not fiction I have put in for effect.
I could talk for an age about the variables here believe me, I have given it an awful lot of thought during my life thus far. But to keep it simple and to stop you dozing off. Like you, I did not ask to sign up for this path; all I can do is my best to understand who I am.
The best way to do that I believe is to communicate with those will be able to understand who the real Paul is. In all my dynamics.
Happy is the man aware of his spritual need... I well remember being drummed into at book group, The thursday eveing weekend and the Sunday two hour special. Well I am aware of mine but with that said, I really do feel like banging on the door of my local Bethal and demanding a refund for my Willy Wonker ticket to paradise, it was never stmarked with the "yes you can come in you measure up" stamp.
Job was obviously a better man than I……Or was he?