Why Should Orientation Affect My Self-respect?
The London Free Press, July 3, 2006
Pride could be defined as having a sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect. I recently was reminded of my own journey towards that feeling in a most original setting.
“I just wonder, can you talk about anything non-gay?”
That was the question posed to me on a recent job interview. I had just discussed London’s taxes, the pesticide issue and our mayor.
“Did you notice you brought it up first? Actually I didn’t talk about gay anything until I was 25, so yes.”
The truth? I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
In the first article I wrote for this paper, about dating someone who tested positive for HIV, I made a point of not discussing my sexuality. Yet from the response I received, you’d never know it: “Why do you have to write about gay?” “They’ll know he’s gay, you know.”
Nevertheless, any accusations up to this point were hearsay.
A couple of years later, my second Free Press article was inspired by my best friend and me discussing Pride Parades. This time I decided to come out of that supposed ‘closet’ publicly to make the point that gay people do not always agree on aspects of our culture, but we can be respectful of different points of view.
I was 35. Conservative by many standards. Ten years earlier, I had quietly, and respectfully left the religion of my youth. I could no longer pretend to be something I wasn’t. I still respected faith and never disparaged my former religion.
Little did I know the commotion my little column would create.
“We’d like to talk to you about your article in the London Free Press,” a Minister informs me by telephone. “You are still considered a member of the congregation.”
“But I haven’t been for ten years!!”
“You are still a baptized member.”
“I have nothing to talk about.”
Back and forth it went. I don’t know why I engaged in this conversation.
Finally, resolutely, he states, “So you are disassociating yourself.”
“I never said that.”
Frustrated? Hurt? You bet, but not confused. I knew he would tell everyone that I disassociated myself, but I did no such thing. I also knew I was just being honest for the first time in my life! Okay, in very public, 600-word-column way.
The response to my “disassociation” was not surprising: “That’s what you get when you talk about gay!” “You brought it on yourself!”
I wanted to crawl into a silent shell, but all I could ask myself is, why should I? Been there, done that! I would choose all future declarations of my “gaydom” very carefully. I would take the high road. We all have a choice and I chose not to be bitter.
A few years later when Genie-award winning Maureen Judge made a documentary for The W Network on my family, I decided not to talk about my orientation.
In her column, a Toronto reviewer praised the film but questioned the decision not to pursue the orientation angle.
You see, I can’t win. My journey to pride is a pyrrhic victory at best.
But am I proud? Well, another definition of pride could be pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association.
Well, I can talk about anything other than being gay. And I am proud of the fact that at least now it is my choice.