Why English Teachers Die Young

by purplesofa 4 Replies latest social entertainment

  • purplesofa

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their

    collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school

    essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of

    teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides

    gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like

    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a

    guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of

    those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country

    speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar

    eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli, and he was

    room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes

    just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

    because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge

    at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

    bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag

    filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

    eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city

    and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13 . The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you

    fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across

    the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having

    left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka

    at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences

    that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who

    had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the

    East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only

    one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,

    this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

    eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,

    but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land

    mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender

    leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with

    power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,

    as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

  • Stephanus

    I don't have a problem with a lot of these metaphors - after all, these kids grew up in the modern era, when they are much more familiar with power tools and Thigh masters than they are with sunrises and daffodils.

  • Twitch


  • riverofdeceit

    Freakin' hilarious. 9,11,and 16 are my favorites.

  • AudeSapere

    Those were funny.

    My best laugh of the day.



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