need advice from those with believing JW mates.

by hallowedbethyname 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • hallowedbethyname


    Its been a very long time since I posted, but I think Im pretty close to breaking down. Ive been fading for awhile now, and am still married to a Dub. She is trying to be as supportive as she can be, but I cant stand that she is still one. I despise this organization, and all that it stands for, and I am trying to deal with that (on my 3rd therapist). I was DF'd some time ago, and the hypocrisy of those I called friends and the organization in general just makes me sick.

    I respect my wife enough, not to tell her my real feelings towards the JW's. Im not happy with this situation. She brings home the literature and she still talks about it alot..........and Im trying to figure out what I should do. Do I love her enough to stay with her even though she is part of something I hate so much?? My goals have changed now. I dont want anything to do with this religion. How do I make things work??

    Im so confused and sad. All I feel is hate inside.


  • IMustBreakAway

    I don't have any good advice. Just to say i know what you are going through. At first my wife was very accepting and would listen to the things i have to say. (atheist) But lately it seems everything i do is "an attack against her beliefs." Not sure what i am going to do yet either. I love her but im not sure that's enough.

  • kls

    Many feel and are going through the same as you ,as for me it has been 30 yrs with a JW. Hate , anger and all the feelings one can have is perfectly normal for anyone who has been lyed to a deceived. I am somewhat confused as to you have never told your wife how you feel ,this maybe a big part of the depression you are feeling ,it's not easy having two lives or living a lie . As long as keep these secrets bottled up inside ,you will never be free of happy.

    I know how hard it is to tell someone that you love that you no longer believe but many of us have done it ,and become stronger and free for doing it.

    Get the load off your shoulders ,and if you two really love each other there maybe a marriage yet ,and yes it may just drop the bottom out but you have to be true to you .

    When i told my husband it was a nightmare and i knew what the out come might be and that was a risk i had to take for me, i finally said .No more lies ,no more meetings but be true to me.


  • 2112

    Hi Hallowed,

    I know what you are going through. I've been out for almost 14 yrs. and my wife is still as active as ever. It is not easy. Do you have childern? My wife had a son before we met and we have one together. Her son was a victim of molestation from a guy who was later, after the molestation was reported to the elders and the police, made a MS. How's that for Holy Spirit direction?

    As far as your wife is concerned, if you love her then let her do what she wants, when she starts talking about the WT you have the right as her "Head" to state your beliefs also. Don't get drawn into an argument about it. However you do not have to listen and be silent, unless you want to, but you have the right to answer her. When she gets upset, and she will, just explain why you believe what you do, and let her know that your sprituality is not determined by her beliefes. It is a hard lesson for them to learn as they will call it persecution. You may be able to get her to think a little if you are a good husband, father, friend, enployee, etc. she will in the back of her mind wounder how this is possable, how could a non or ex witness be a good person. Just a quick story- My wife once asked me if our next door neighbor was gay, I said no why do you ask? She replied "Well, he's not a witness and I know he's not married and I don't see a bunch of women walking in and out of his house so he must be gay." This was one of those times I could not keep silent, and it was never mentioned again.

    I know that's not much help, I have little time at the moment.

  • carla

    I'm sorry to have to welcome another person to the UBM (unbelieving mate) club. Sad lot that we are! You might try Steve Hassans books, and have you yourself read Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz yet?

    There are number of ubm's on this site and we know the difficulties. I myself have never been jw and husband only joined up in the past few years. I nearly hit him over the head with all the false prophecies, child molestations, UN, etc... etc... Tried doctrinal discussions. All to no avail. He is supposed to be checking out an issue now, but, who knows? It's good you are seeing a therapist, I hope they have experience with cults or high control groups. If she keeps talking about it why not try asking her questions to make her think? Blondie (on this site) does a very good job about what will be 'studied' every Sunday. There are also many threads here about- questions to make a jw think - and things like that.

    I for one am so damn tired of researching this insane cult and researching things no normal person even cares about! I understand frustration. As I think everyone here does, most everybody has someone still 'in' that they would love to be able to reach with the truth about the 'truth' but their minds are closed and full of fear. All thanks to the wt.

    What is your goal? do you want to get her out? make a plan and don't hit her with too much at one time. And don't call it a cult, they sure get testy when you do that!

  • MegaDude

    I lived in a situation much like yours for a number of years.

    A direct attack on your JW spouse's beliefs may or may not work. Most likely it won't. Think. When you were a loyal JW and somebody attacked your beliefs, how did you react? A lot of JW spouses react with fear and anger when their mate leaves the Watchtower. It's totally understandable. It's the way you would react if you still believed it was the truth AND the stability of your life as you know it is upended.

    Try a different tact. Make them do all the work of proving to you the JWs are the truth. All you do is ask questions, show them information, and ask "What do you think?" Don't TELL your JW spouse comments like "This religion is a cult" or "this 1914 doctrine is BULLSHIT!!!!" and then listing your proof. This doesn't work. You're already making a big statement by not going to the meetings nor participating in field service. Asking questions begins training the JW mind in something it's not used to doing, using logical thought to determine what really is truth, rather than being spoon-fed by a bunch of religious gangsters in New York who long ago traded truth and love of God for organizational stability and power. Be patient. It may take a long time. Maybe years. You have to ask yourself, is it worth the time and energy, the drain on your emotions, the risk of knowing it may but very well may not result in your spouse leaving the JWs. Only you can answer that question.

    I work around lawyers and I was influenced to take their argumentative style to my JW spouse and debate doctrine to the death. It turned our marriage into a battle of wills in our case. Not only was my wife terrified at the idea of renouncing what she believed was the truth, but she resented strongly that I took our comfortable, tidy little life and totally turned it upside down. She wasn't ready to question the Watchtower to the degree I was. She wasn't willing to entertain the thought she would lose her family (who she was very close to, especially her mother) and all of her friends. It was too frightening for her.

    I can empathize with the above poster about feeling hate. I'd say I felt rage. It was all encompassing. I haven't felt such hate to the intensity I did then. I wanted to break some Governing Body kneecaps and listen to them scream. I mean, how dare they lie to millions of people like me and foster upon them truckloads of guilt and fear meeting after meeting just so they can pretend to be God's elect. The Governing Body KNOW they are lying about a number of things and the injustice of it all infuriated me. Not only that, now the people I cared about the most were fixing to be torn from me in short order never to be seen again. That's a lot on anybody's plate and trying to think above the emotions you are feeling can be difficult.

    I've spoken with a number of JWs over the years since I first left. Being friendly, remembering that they are exactly what you used to be, and simply asking questions and having a friendly discussion goes a long way to unlocking the JW mind. I've seen it with my JW brother and other JWs who have knocked on my door. The last time I spoke with two JW elders who came to invite me back to the kingdom hall, my new tactic of simply asking questions and being friendly left them embarrassed and having difficulty speaking. It was rather pitiful watching them. And I used to be just like them.

  • garybuss

    The years I was a believing walkaway I tolerated my wife and Witness relatives pretty well. I walked away when I was 30 in 1974 and our second son had just been born. We had two more sons after I walked away. During my 18 years as a believing walkaway, my wife actually was inactive and didn't go to meetings at all for 5 years from 1984 until 1989. I actually inadvertently jumpstarted her to become active again by suggesting we visit a Sunday Witness meeting in 1989. Stupid!

    We went to the meeting and our second oldest son came along. I didn't start to go back to meetings but my wife did and our son joined her. He was about 15. He studied and became baptized and she became active again.

    This was the deal breaker. From 1989 on I got left behind. Our family life ended and a war began. In 1992 I read Crisis Of Conscience and in 1993 I decided the life I was living was not the life I was going to be living. I moved out.

  • hallowedbethyname

    Thank you for all the replies.

    Im not sure what I want out of this. My wife lost one of her parents in her youth, so she clings dearly to the belief of seeing them again.

    I know that bottling up all this hate, is taking its toll on my health. It sucks, because I used to be such a fun, happy person.

    I was raised in this religion, and its all I have known. All my friends and most of my family is still in. I was married into it as well. So its been a difficult period for me. I just want to move on and at least try to find a way to heal.

    Thank you for those who responded. Its just sad learning that your friends are only your friends based on your status within and your support for the 'cause'.


  • hallowedbethyname

    2112, by the way, NO KIDS. Thank god.

    When and if I do have kids, I want them nowhere near this religion.

    Life is hard enough as a kid, without the burden of a controlling religion.


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