Need advice about family dynamics

by Anne 6 Replies latest jw friends

  • Anne
    Anne

    I don't post much, I guess I usually just don't have anything interesting to say. (Didn't comment much at meetings either.)

    Anyway, been in a bit of a quandry about what to do about holidays. I want to raise my children as "normally" as possible. We live in a conservative midwestern US city in a middle class area. My husband and I are a couple of JW dropouts, both raised in it. The difference is he still believes on some levels because that is what he was taught. He just doesn't care enough to do anything about it. The ironic thing is his mother has also turned into a meeting skipping doubter (never thought that would happen). My question is will they automatically read me "as no-longer one of JW's" if we start celebrating holidays. We've already celebrated our birthdays, handed out candy on Holloween (gasp!), and had the in-laws over for turkey on Thanksgiving. I'm thinking next year we'll do Christmas. Not so much as a religious holiday, but more as a social holiday. I think that holidays and observances serve as a way to connect communities and provide a shared reference point.

    The only reason we're even having any problems with any of this is because my parents are still in (big time). They recently moved to our city. (My husband and I discussed moving away because of them, but we like it here and were here first.) My parents actually stayed with us for a couple of months, we didn't hear one word of "encouragment" during that time (probably because I would have told them to stay with their "friends"). Now they are starting to bug me. It is amazing how if you know the arguement they are going to make, you can shut them down with out saying much. (i.e. Mom: The weather is so bad, hurricanes and other disasters, the end must be near. Me: Well you know the sky is falling. followed by blank stare.) She even went so far as to bring the service group to my house last week without calling first. I would think that my snotty comments would get my point across, along with coming right out and saying that we are not raising our kids as Witnesses, so no thank you for the Bible Story Book.

    My parents will not shun me if I am DF, they don't shun my DF sister. Also other than my mom occasionally babysitting for me they do not see my children unless we are there. (My dad's nuts, and I have serious issues with their parenting style when I was growing up.) I will probably loose contact with one brother, and possibly another brother and sister. Don't really care about any old "friends". Made peace with that chapter of my life. The only loose end would be my dad said something about grandparents having rights when I told him no thank you for the BS book. I do know of one family where the grandparents have the children for two weeks during the summer because they went to court.

    My fear is that they would try to do something like that if I went from being a passive-aggressive snott to being an all out appostate. Then the question is, Is it worth it?

  • Clam
    Clam

    I'm not going to be much help here as I'm in England and our family law is no doubt different. There's another thread here probably about 6 or 7 days old where a non JW is going through a divorce with a JW. The JW father is scaring the crap out of the kids with the Bible Stories book to such a degree that the mother has asked a child psychologist to do an assesment on her youngest child. She now seems likely to get an expert witness testimony to the effect that bans him from exposing the children albeit part time to a cult. This seems a good route to go down if you're concerened about grandparents rights. A worse case scenario but something to have in the background. Their "rights" I would have assumed are as weak as hell. Surely you just need a good attorney with tons of ammo. By the way, Meeting Skipping Doubter - made me laugh! MSD's are all over the board lol.

  • MsMcDucket
    MsMcDucket
    The only loose end would be my dad said something about grandparents having rights when I told him no thank you for the BS book.

    When you used the abbreviation BS, for a second, I thought bull sh*t book! Oops! Sounds like you're a strong person and you have made up your mind. If you have to fight for your rights and your children's rights, do it! IMHO

    **I think that I'm a little eccentric to some posters; so you better wait and get some other peoples thoughts.**

    Wishing you the best!

  • carla
  • carla
    carla

    Not all grandparents win these cases. Especially if you had a qualified mental health proffesional go to court on your behalf. If it even went that far, you could also petition that they are not allowed to even discuss jw issues, doctrines, etc.. with your children. I have seen a few cases on the web where a parent wasn't even allowed to discuss anything at all jw related with their child. Only because it was proven how detrimental the jw lifestyle was for the children. The same could be said in the case of a grandparent telling the children the parents will be destroyed at the big A. If I were you I would start telling the children all the evils of the org now. Then your children can tell them they would never want to be part of an org that protects people who rape children. That oughtta shut them up!

  • garybuss
    garybuss

    You wrote: "Then the question is, Is it worth it?" It? Are you talking about your kids here?


  • Anne
    Anne

    no, the "is it worth it", wasn't in reference to my kids. It was more in reference is it worth celebrating holidays and risking alienating my family. I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents, just on a controlled basis. Right now they are very young. I think maybe I'm making more out of something than I should. Sometimes writing something down makes it more clear. I'm not going to be held like some sort of hostage to a religion I do not believe in.

    I don't think my parents would go the court route. They know I have a temper. My children will always come first, and if it means alienating my parents and some of my siblings then so be it.

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