Now that it is out there, I can say what I think. I'm finding it really hard to compose my thoughts so please forgive me if anything seems crass or too blunt.
Gin was my friend. Even when we were apart, so many things I saw her say and do stayed with me. For years I remembered her face and even now can hear her (and Dede's) laugh. Anyone that has heard it knows that I'm talking about. It's the most incredible sound. By our nature we both were chaotic, michevious, and rowdy. The second time we found our way to each other it was just as incredible as the first, even more so, but just as short. We had arguements like anyone else of course, but they were short lived. One day I got a message from her about how great everything was and how perfect this and that...so on and so forth, and then not even 48 hours later she was packing her car to leave, with no explanation. About a week later I started studying psychology and, for lack of a better term "the art of lying" and figured out the truth about where she was going that day. I guess the hard part about it all is being the second choice to something she had described as a horrible life.
I hoped for a while that maybe she would "snap out of it" and my phone would ring with her on the other end. In any case, I eventually talked myself into believing she was a screwed up individual that had a long way to go sorting our their own life, and perhaps I made things worse because I was always talking about why "we" do the things we do as people, plus I did push her, gently I thought, to look at why she felt like she did about so many things.
In any case, I loved her very much, and remember so many great things about her. I cry for the things done to her throughout her life, and am sad that she never really knew happiness that comes from self respect and true self love. I can't say I know exactly what that is either, but I do have an idea.
Eventually I got on with living, refusing to look back and making myself think the worst of her in order to be ok. For the last 2 months I've been in the general area she lived in, and thought about calling or tracking her down somehow if only to get closure. Everytime I did it seems I had somone (even sometimes myself) tell me something that convinced me I didn't need to do that.
When I got the call from Denny I felt like I had a tennis ball in my throat. The absolute worst part was I got a call from my GF at my brother's house the night before, tracking me down because she had a feeling something terrible was happening.
I feel guilt for thinking badly of her, even though I know anyone in my position would have done the same. I feel guilt for not chasing after her, for not going to see her or calling while I was there even though she told me not to as she left my driveway. I feel guilt for not saying or doing something that could have inspired her to get to a better place with herself, even if it wasn't with me. I feel hurt because instead of knowing she is probably ok and doing exactly what she wants to do, I know her life ended in violence and pain, and I was right f*cking there and couldn't do a g*ddamn thing about it. I feel hate for the life we were all a part of that makes people weak and vulnerable and susceptible to bad people and self destructive behavior. Even though we haven't spoken in 6 months, I feel a hole in me that I know will never be filled, one statement can never be more true.
I've lost a loved one.