Hello Scully

by Steve Lowry 5 Replies latest jw friends

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  Steve Lowry

  (Sorry for the bump, but the original thread was way back there.)

  Thanks Scully (and everyone), for your reply in Lisa's thread. This post is a little more background about me and the road I have traveled.

  It’s amazing how many changes I have gone through over the years regarding my former JW life (I left the group way back in 1979). Since shunning wasn’t something openly discussed, I had no idea that I would be treated in such a manner when I decided to leave. How naive I was! Honestly, I wasn’t DF’d for anything other than telling the elders that visited my house (they "visited" after I had stopped going to the K/Hall by a few months) that I no longer had any desire to be JW. At first I felt flattered that they cared enough to visit me to see how I was doing, since I hadn’t been to the K/H for such a time (I grew up in that K/H). But it didn’t take too long before I realized their true motive for visiting me was a kind of pre-DF protocol. Listening to their questions was like listening to someone reading off a checklist. That was my first introduction to the experience of leaving the cult. They showed no love or concern. It was all business. When I finally realized what was truly going on, I got so pissed at them, that I told them to get the hell outta my house. I got up and left the room and didn’t even extend to them the courtesy of showing them to the door. When I think about that day now, it makes me laugh out loud. I also told them that I wanted a copy of my DF document so I could hang it on my wall, so the next time I thought of joining some stupid group I could look at it to remind myself not to make the same mistake twice! LOL! Uh, they didn’t think that was funny! (Smile)

  It was about two years later while visiting my mom one night, that my sister and her family were there at the house, and I noticed they weren’t coming anywhere near me. When I asked my mom about it (we were having coffee in the kitchen), she informed me, "Well, Steve, you know, you have been disfellowshipped . . ." with this kind of martyred look on her face. Considering that my JW elder brother-in-law had an affair with my former JW wife two years earlier (neither of them were DF’d.) and that it took some effort on my part to forgive him (at the urging of my father), it was quite understandable that I would get pissed. I was so angry, that I left the house without saying a word. The irony of the situation was overwhelming to me. I forgave the guy for sleeping with my wife but he and his family couldn’t forgive me for no longer believing in God the same way they did! I have rarely felt such anger and outrage in my life. A few days later I got the letter from my sister.

  In 1990 I moved out of state and I visited a church there, where to my surprise, there were about a dozen former JW’s who were regulars! This started a wonderful networking of former JW’s for me. I soon realized that my situation (the shunning business) wasn’t the exception, but the rule! I talked with person after person about their experiences leaving the JW group, and while each story was its own, all had a common thread of family separation and heartbreak. I grew to hate the Watchtower Society and its policies that destroys families and people’s spirits. Through the group, I got to meet Ray Franz (Crisis of Conscience), who confided in me that he was to a large part responsible for the ‘push’ way back in the early eighties to put pressure on JW’s to shun former members. This coincided perfectly with the timetable when my sister made her decision to disown me. I know he felt terrible for his involvement in the shunning policy. When I told him it cost me my sister and her family, he just hung his head. Seeing that, it broke my heart. I forgave him, of course.

  Ya know, as for the shunning and stuff, I just won’t put up with crazy people’s bulls**t anymore. I cut them off. It doesn’t matter to me if they’re brother or sister or mom and dad. I realize that this is my way of doing things and it may not work for everyone. But it works for me. You want me in your life? Great! You don’t want me in your life? Fine. There are lots of folks that do. Don’t wait up and don’t leave a light on for me, cuz I won’t be coming by. As long as JW’s and people like this know they can manipulate others by shunning, they will continue use this tactic. The way I respond to them is to give them the same treatment. It’s my way of letting them know that their attempt to manipulate me won’t benefit them, and I move on. The only exception would be for my child. I love my child unconditionally. If she were to do this, I would let her know I love her and always would, but if that were her decision, then I would give her as she requests. I would let her know though that I would continue on with my life, with or without her. And, I would wait and hope for her to come to her senses. But I wouldn’t change anything in my life.

  Everyone has to choose his or her own path. I feel bad for those who choose poorly (shunning), but it’s their choice to make. I allow them endure the consequences.

  Steve
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  mouthy

  I know this was for Scully( mostly) BUT being nosy I checked it out. I am so sorry for what happened to you via the conditional love group. I was more than surprised to read that Ray was instumental in helping the shunning tactics!!! I am surprised!!!! How awful HE must feel now- I feel bad about making folks JWS but the fact that he had a part in this is mind blowing---- I couldnt live with myself after knowing how many family's homes,suicides, etc came out of it.... Poor Ray!

  Thanks for sharing!!! Lets hope that some day their eyes will be open & they will climb out of the ditch (((HUG))
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  Scully

  Thanks so much for sharing this Steve.

  It was about two years later while visiting my mom one night, that my sister and her family were there at the house, and I noticed they weren’t coming anywhere near me. When I asked my mom about it (we were having coffee in the kitchen), she informed me, "Well, Steve, you know, you have been disfellowshipped . . ."

  That's similar to what happened with Mr Scully. He received a visit from the elders in the winter of 2002, and it wasn't until almost a year later that I learned that an announcement had been made shortly after that visit to the effect that Mr Scully had "written a letter" and was Disassociated™. Nice of them to inform everyone but us!! NOT. It's had the same result in my family, although for the sake of appearing "normal" to non-JW relatives (you know how they don't want to Bring Reproach on Jehovah™ ), they will tolerate being around us for important events like a wedding or funeral. As long as we don't get seated at the same table for a meal. LOL!!

  Considering that my JW elder brother-in-law had an affair with my former JW wife two years earlier (neither of them were DF’d.) and that it took some effort on my part to forgive him (at the urging of my father), it was quite understandable that I would get pissed. I was so angry, that I left the house without saying a word. The irony of the situation was overwhelming to me. I forgave the guy for sleeping with my wife but he and his family couldn’t forgive me for no longer believing in God the same way they did!

  This is the kind of thing that underlines the hypocrisy of the Organization. They mentally and emotionally and spiritually abuse us with shunning for simply not believing in their Organization/God anymore, yet they permit other members to wilfully inflict wrongdoing on us and they get away with barely a slap on the wrists.

  They expect me to forgive the body of elders in my "home" congregation where I grew up, after they assigned a known child molestor (he'd been DFd twice for molesting two of his daughters, and was later DFd a third time for molesting yet another daughter) to the Book Study that was held in my home. The elders protected their own daughters by sending this b@$t@rd to our home, and didn't even bother to warn my family. And when he tried something with me and I told him to leave me alone, I was the one who got in trouble for disrespecting a male who was the same age as my father. I'm supposed to forgive that??? I'm supposed to bring my children up in a religion that does this and permits this to happen to people? There's no way I'm going to willingly put my children in harm's way like that. I never want to have to look my kids in the eyes and have to say "I'm sorry, we thought he was repentant." That excuse is just bull$h!t and I won't be party to it.

  Thanks again for sharing your story, Steve. I really enjoy your writing style and your determination to hold your head high and not take crap from the JWs and their shunning.
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  Steve Lowry

  Hey Mouthy,

  Yea, I feel bad when I look back on that conversation with Ray. I must admit, that when he admitted to having a hand in that shunning 'push' so many years ago, I had a kind of knee-jerk reaction by saying how that had cost me my sister. I feel ashamed still when I think about it and that was some ten years ago. But ya know, I think he must have made peace with himself over it, or he prolly wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to even discuss it in the first place. He has really paid the price for leaving like the rest of us have, even more so I think. I think also that he must surely realize how his book (COC) has helped so many JW's to come out of the group. I’m sure he also knows he has helped those hurting that have left and even family members who were never JW's, but now have a better understanding of why their loved ones behave the way they do. I read it (COC) in three days, and it’s a pretty thick book. I couldn’t put it down. I had a brief conversation with him a few years ago over the phone. I was about to turn fifty and he said, "Your forties are the old age of your youth and your fifties are the youth of your old age". What a wise old soul that Ray is.

  Steve
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  mouthy

  Thanks Steve -for your response,,,I talk to Ray on occasion.- But I am glad you cleared that up for me. Your quite right the writing of C of C must help him realize how many he helped escape God Bless my friend...
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  Steve Lowry

  Hey Mouthy,

  I've only spoken with Ray twice; the time at his house when he mentioned the shunning thing, and the conversation I had with him about turning fifty. He prolly wouldn't even remember me by now, but we do have a mutual friend (which is how I met him) in Helen Ortega. I met Helen through the support group I mentioned earlier in another post. Helen became my mentor back in the early nineties and really helped me through a lot of the JW junk I had suppressed over the years. She and her husband Joe have the New Light Ministries here in the Atlanta area. I love her a great deal. That woman speaks to people around the globe about the Watchtower Society and the JW experience. She must be eighty-five years old by now, and sharp as a tack. God has really blessed her. When I need help, she’s whom I go to for wisdom and spiritual advice.

  It sounds like you might live in the Atlanta area. It might be fun someday to have a get together of former JW's in the Atlanta area here and those also who may frequent the JW forum who also live in the area could come.

  Steve