trouble making real friends

dezpbem

I think most ex-jw's i've known have problems making new friends.
Or we make acquiantances but not real and deep friendships. We push people away and keep them at a distance out of fear. Fear of getting close again. Fear of being abandoned.

Many ex-jw's have an odd habit of pushing people away. Watch for this reaction in yourself when making new friends. If not kept in check it will destroy new relationships. The 1st is a tendency to find something wrong with someone, focus on what's wrong, then "df" them. The judgement reasoning we were taught kicks in here and looks to find flaws with the people you meet. The trouble is that if your mind looks for flaws in peoploe it will find them since everyone has them. Find them and you focus on them. Focus on them and you will judge the person by them. Judge the person by them and you'll "df" them. "Df'ing" potential mew friends is a big problem for many of us ex-witnesses.

The next is a habbit of keeping people at a safe distance. We tend to make friendships then keep them from getting too close. Watch for that one. If you have this pattern you'll swear there's something wrong with nearly everyone and find excuses to push them away. There are more. But if you watch for these and control them you'll find your ahead of the game earlier on than most of us. We tend to have an arsenal of methods to stop friendships from forming but little awareness that were doing it.

Does anyone feel like talking about trouble with making friends, pushing people away, making only acquiantances but not real friends, etc? How do you keep people from gettin gclose in your life? Have you found any ways around this?

Dez

joanne_

hi dez

Exactly the opposite happens with me. I make friends with those I truly connect with. In the congregations, I would feel a friendship starting, but it would soon go away, I dont know why, but it would. I personally find in the "world" that people are what they are. And they 'accept' you for who you are. Go with what you are feeling, if you are not comfortable, then maybe its because:

A: you just have to get to know each other more

B: you are just not suited for each other. Nothing more, Nothing less.

Give yourself time to know the person, and give them time to know you.

It truly takes time to make new friends.

joanne

Periodic Bedlam

Actually, the opposite was true for me. When I left, I finally was free to drop the judgement that all wordly people were bad association.

When I was a JW, my close friendships were only with the "spiritually strong", I had acquaintances with the "spiritually weak", and no friendships with the wordly "spiritually dead". This was soley because as a pioneer my entire existence was wrapped up in the organization 24-7. Friendships are usually based on common interests or goals, and mine were with those who were devoted to "the truth". I was sadly lacking in social skills that involved anything other than conversations about meetings, assemblies, field service, or WT publications.

I remember the months when I first left the organization....I started working and attending the local college....at first it was difficult to make friends but not because of the reasons you mention. It was because I had no social skills and little experience in life after living in a sheltered JW world for 26 years. But I could see that worldly people were not bad at all. It didn't take me long to learn how to talk wtih strangers of all sorts. I had done that for years as a pioneer, but that was only when I was preaching. This was different. It felt great to actually converse with people about something other than religion.

Five years have passed and I have made many friends and several close friends. My life is so much better now.

dezpbem

Glad to see those additions. I had this chat on another forum and most of what kept coming up is what i've mentioned. Your adding in some other reasons for the same problems. Let's see what else others contribute. This is an interesting twist so far on the usual theme.

Andrea Wideman

I was raised as a Catholic and had a very screwed up childhood. I was adopted by a wonderful older couple when I was a baby. They were fine it was the extended family that hurt me so bad that I have trouble connecting and trusting people. Any thing that could be used to hurt, humillate, and make me feel bad about myself they would say. They would constantly point out my "faults", being fat was one of them, and belittle me constantly. I learned to cut someone to ribbons verbally better than I learned to show love. It took me years to totally trust Joel, someone who has only showed me unconditional love, and to learn how to let people into my life.
In my case being a JW and getting out didn't make it difficult to make real friends what made it hard was my own background. Unfortunately JW's aren't the only ones who isolate you and abuse you. I now think that any organized religion could do the same, not that they would, but that they could.

Michelle5480

I just left and Ive noticed that issue with myself as well. I can get along with people but the no-bond habit seems to stick with me. Im working on it though. The problem is Im not quite used to it and it makes me uncomfortable now. Its like walking into a church with crosses and stuff, you feel uncomfortable. (Actually I feel scared of churches)

kid-A

You raise some excellent points. My most regrettable legacy from being raised a JW is the fact that I am VERY judgemental of people. The WTS deeply ingrained this into my entire mode of thinking and it is very hard to de-program this, even though I am completely free of any religious beliefs, this sub-conscious "attitude" still persists. I have to consciously suppress this judgemental tendency.

tall penguin

I too am finding it challenging to trust people or not judge them. It's still difficult to not go to someone's house and peruse their dvd or cd collection without having the judgment voice come up. Or to really open up and let myself be vulnerable with what I'm feeling or what I'm experiencing in my life right now. There's this underlying fear of being judged and rejected. As jw's we were taught to judge and expect to be judged. It's really hard to override that patterning. I'm learning though that there are some great and wonderful people on this planet. If I could just get out of my own way, I'm sure I'd connect with many of them.
tall penguin

Smiles_Smiles

I have found that when I was a JW I had allot of a cquaintances and a few friends.

Now I have a few friends but very few acquaintances.

I am less willing to hang with people who seem to be judgmental (as I was as a JW). It just totally turns me off to being close to them. Not that I don't think they are good people because I do. Just I need to be able to discuss deep things with my friends ... my interests/feelings/experiences without judgment and without someone feeling like they "KNOW" something to the exclusion of others' journey and truths. So I am drawn to people who can relate to not the run of the mill topics. People who are really deep and open to vast possibilities. Need c ommon ground for friendships. That keeps my close friends down to a minimum. My a cquaintances end up being my friends' friends. And I am only around them when I go dancing or something like that.

I have found that a really good friend is better then 10 not so close friends.

Jamelle

One of the reasons ( and there were many) that I finally completely seperated myself from the Witnesses was this lack of real connection. I grew up in a cong with lots of young people, mostly other girls.

For the majority of my youth, teen years I was expected to like these girls and be their friend and "sister". Looking back I can see that I could barely stand most of them. I struggled to make them "like" me and didn't really succeed because they could sense I didn't really like them.

Being released from the bonds of who I should be friends with and who I shouldn't was a heady experince for me. I drifted for a couple years and one of the strong pulls away from the Borg (and there were many) was how easily I made friendships with "worldly" people. People who I could tell were decent and kind and caring.

I still have lasting legacies from the Society's brainwashing - but thankfully, being able to make friends with others isn't one of them.

trouble making real friends

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