Last week I called my annointed elder uncle at work, I'll call him Steve. Steve is like a father to me and I considered him my direct spiritual head while being an active Jehovah's Witness. Many times in the past since I left the Watchtower behind I have been told to stop posting on JWN by my mother, and a variety of other people. It seems like everybody has asked at least once, but my mother tries to use my emotions every now and then. She says that if I post on the internet about her faith then she will keep my family and I at an arms length relationship. This has put distance between myself and my mother which has been painful for her. However, I have explained to her that it is her decision to put us at arms length. During the intial phases of my exit I attempted to reason with her on some things. These discussions always ended up in fights and more hurt, so I eased up on them and then finally I promised not to bring up doctrine again because I was appreciative of the communication as she is a JW. This would cease the fights completely and she would even assoicate with me a little bit and healing would take place. But her sister's brother keeps record of my posting here because he was informed by my cousin, his son-in-law, because he sniffed me out on the internet. She will inform my mother every now and then that I am "still posting hate about the Watchtower on the internet." I have to admit I have said some strong things, maybe some things I would like to rephrase, but the Governing Body do not show any morality at all in my opinion. What they are doing with the Watchtower is contemptable, there is no other way to say it. However Barbara Anderson did a wonderful job with her latest blog.
When I created my account here I distinctly remember battling over the idea of my choice of username. Would I use a username that my family would not recognize or would I use my online handle that they would? To me, my online name is important, not everybody can relate to this. I have used it since the beginning of the internet and have developed sentimentality. If you google my name you will see not only JWN, but my whole process of learning how to program ASP and PHP as well as HTML and javascript. My posts about LOST and a bunch of other forums that I have previously posted on. They all usually have the same name. I even have an account on an LDS site with this name. And they found that out pretty quick that I was a "JW apostate" because they linked the names. To me name consistency across sites is important because of the way search engines work. I am sabastious, THERE IS NO OTHER! They are frauds!
So, when I had the idea that I should logically create a name that my family wouldn't know I realized something now very important to me. If I choose my name that they can recognize then they will have to seek me out. The interent is a large place and my family do not go to apostate websites nor know the names of any of them. So, that is why I chose my name, because it's my name in the world of the internet.
And that's just the vulnerability that exposed my postings to my cousin. I was speaking to his brother over the internet one day and I told him that I didn't agree with the Society's definition of apostasy. I thought it was too broad. I wish I had the conversation still because it's kind of funny. It was nothing, but my cousin had an emotional reaction and commanded me to stop. It was like I had just conjured fire before his eyes and it was at that moment that he knew I was a demon. For disagreeing with the Society. Wow.
So that's why my mother every once in a while calls me and breaks our understanding. We are not supposed to talk about religion, but she will call me up in a fear frenzy and tell me that I am hurting her. When I ask her if she wants to talk about it she'll tell me that she hasn't read a word I have ever written or watched a frame of any video I have ever made. Only that I was perpetuating hate about the Watchtower and that meant that her son was in danger so she did the only thing she could do. Tell me she was hurting. However, it's actually an illusion and a very complex one at that. Still, my mothers tears affect me, I don't think I can escape it.
So, I called my uncle and you know what he told me? He thought that I ran this site, he thought I was Simon and that I could just shut down this site at any time and I am simply refusing. I don't understand where he got this misconception, but I'm sure my whole family and friends believe something that's not true about me, because of a misunderstanding (just as the I CHING says all conflict comes from). The funny thing is that Simon isn't bad at all and he does run this site. He's a hero and deserves a million more times the credit he is given and so does his wife and all the mods. This site has been a blessing to so many and will be for a long time coming. Unfortunately, many of us have to take the heat, but freedom is worth it.
-Sab