How do you tell the family?

by joeblow 18 Replies latest members private

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  joeblow

  Sigh, that will learn me to not pay attention.. posed the original question in the wrong forum.. then went back to edit it.. and ended up deleting the content... and I didn't have a copy of what I wrote... so trying again here.

  Basically the short of it is, how do you tell your family - particularly parents - that you don't want anything to do with JWs without it tearing the family to bits?

  I was raised a JW. I knew though from about the age of 7 or 8 that it was an organization that I didn't want anything to do with. Thing is, I was conditioned not to question, not to go against the flow... so I didn't. Even after I moved out on my own as an adult and go on with my life, I was still tainted by my upbringing. As it was though I was able to get on with things and live many thousands of miles away from my family, so I've been able to avoid dealing with this issue. They've been happy to assume that I'm a good little JW, and I've been able to do my own thing.

  Lately my parents have started pestering me though... asking how my meetings are, what DC I'm attending... telling me little stories about how they will get to their DC... which one they are going to... emailing me things like the DC program... I'm sure they have figured it out that I'm not interested in JWs, but like an elephant in the room, neither of us wants to point at the elephant and say "Hey... look, an elephant!"

  So, is it even possible to tell the family without this becoming a huge thing that will further rip apart an already fragile family?
• 

  Black Sheep

  is it even possible to tell the family without this becoming a huge thing that will further rip apart an already fragile family?

  Yes, but you need a degree in psychology to do it. You would have to take them out with you, without setting off their ApostaAlarm System.

  Your parents made the choice to bring you up in a religion that breaks up families when members leave the cult. They have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

  It's not you that does the damage. You didn't have a choice. You could have been born to a Catholic, Jew, Muslim, whatever, but you happened to be born to JWs. That is not your fault, and don't you forget it.

  If your parents behave badly because you don't choose their religion, that is their choice. Don't accept responsibilty for their bad behaviour and don't let them think you do.

  If they get stroppy, make it very clear to them that that is their choice. That you are not guilty of anything, and that the situation would be no different if they had chosen to raise you as a Mormon, Moonie, Catholic, Baptist, whatever, and you came to the conclusion that they were wrong.

  Whatever you do, do nothing until you have a plan.

  Welcome to the forum

  Chris
• 

  bohm

  Joe, I know its not the answer you look for, but to begin with you dont. I would strongly recommend to read Stephen Hassans books, they contain information on how to deal with family and friends who are in high control groups. You can buy it from the freeminds website (which also contain some great articles under 'psychology')

  If you come right out of the closet and tell your family you dont believe in it, there is a chance they will shun you; if they do it depends on them more than it does on what is in the WT. At any rate, just throwing it all at them - all the wrong doctrines etc. - is the MOST inefficient way to open them up and perhaps make them less 'spiritual' (the WT sence of the word), no matter how much you know.
• 

  joeblow

  just throwing it all at them - all the wrong doctrines etc. - is the MOST inefficient way to open them up

  Yah I agree there 100%. I don't have any intentions of trying to make them see things my way. Going into this fists ready will just "prove their point". I'd love for it to be a simple, no thanks, I don't want to make that a part of my life, and be done with it... sadly, I know it'll turn into accusations and "how could you do this to us"... and so on. I watched it all happen with my brother when he was DF'd (a bit more than 15 years ago), and it nearly broke my mother. Now I need to do the same... to come clean, and I'm really honestly afraid of what it will do to her mental state.

  I've been sticking with the do nothing plan, but at some point... it's not going to work anymore... I'm seeing the signs of the current status quo crumbling. The emails, the calls, the questions. So far I'm able to deflect and redirect but the stress...

  I could, honestly, live with the shunning part... that's not my fear.. problem.. whatever you want to label it. It comes down to the effect this will have on the family and some sense of responsibility I feel to keep from rocking the boat.

  Interesting how stepping away from JWs is so difficult. I've been lurking here for a while, reading people's stories, and it's pretty sad how much mental anguish and stress we have to go through to extract ourselves from it all.
• 

  quietlyleaving

  Hi Joe

  I did tell my family in the beginning but it didn't get me anywhere. Nowadays we are all resigned to the elephant in the room. If you are inclined to keep those fragile lines intact then just be polite and continue as before.

  ql
• 

  teel

  I haven't seen you mentioning this: were you baptized? If you weren't then it's easier, because it might hurt the family relations, but at least you will probably be able to talk to your parents later on.
• 

  FreeAtLast1914

  Hey, brother. Hate to hear what you're going through, but most here have been there.

  There is no easy way to break free from this religion when those closest to us remain inside. No matter how you do it there will be hurt feelings and damaged or destroyed relationships. Your name will likely be slandered by age-old friends and family.

  For a year or two, I would simply say (when asked about my non-attendance), "That's just not where I'm at right now." And most would leave me alone. The trouble comes when the JW Jihadists catch the scent of your fading trail. They will hunt you down and confront you and question you. You still have a choice of being obtuse, but truthfully, it feels good to put them in their place. And JWs are very easy to baffle. Ask them any question that probes deeper than Adam and Eve and they will stumble and fumble and throw down the "Wait on Jehovah" card at the first sign of confusion. They're like the "Lost" series; they have nowhere to go but in circles that leave them no closer to true understanding than when they began. They just cannot explain their positions from the Bible.

  But once you let them know that your missing the meetings has nothing to do with work or being busy with life, Pandora's Box has been opened and there is no shutting it. You will be labeled apostate and this will stick like glue and you will be treated as though you have the plague. It's how they're programmed. They don't know any other way. They haven't seen what you have. They are still in the Matrix.

  Whatever you choose to do, realize there are sacrifices either way. If you keep them in the dark about your true feelings, you will have to keep living this lie, you will have to smile when you want to frown, you will have to stay silent when you want to speak. If you let them know, you will experience a freedom that defies words and though you will likely lose many of those in your past life, the gain in living a life true to yourself and unashamed is immense.

  My prayers are with you.
• 

  joeblow

  Yes, I was baptized... at 16, or was I 17? I can't remember exactly... shows how unimportant that day was in my life. I did it because it was expected of me, not because I wanted to. I was raised in a small congregation, so being invisible in the crowd was impossible... I got a lot of pressure from the elders on this and caved in at some point.... mainly to keep the calm... to keep the peace. I couldn't move away fast enough. As soon as I was old enough, I was out of there, and off on my own.

  Hmmm.. gets me to thinking... thinking of all that "council" I received as a child. Don't bother with University, you won't need it, the end is coming before you will graduate. Don't get married, the end will be here before you know it, and it'll be easier for you if you're single. If you're single you can dedicate more time to god. I went to University... much to the disgust of certain members of my parent's cong. They viewed my University attendance as a sign I was failing in keeping apart from the world.. investing in the world. Oh well.. I went anyway :-) and even got a degree. Interestingly, I'm the only person from that original cong I was raised in to get a University degree.
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  IsaacJ22

  I have a few pointers to offer that might help. Sorry, it's kinda long.

  1) Like Black Sheep said, this is not your fault. You didn't choose to be raise a JW, and they don't have the right to compel you just because they're your parents. If they give you the, "How could you do this to us?" act, you will have to explain that you are not doing it to them at all. They can try to make it that way if they want to shame you or hit you with a guilt trip, but it simply isn't about them. This is about you. Everyone has a right to live their own life. Including you. They need to realize that and let you do it.

  To help them think about this in a different way, you could try asking them what it might be like for a Catholic (or someone of any other religion) raised person when they decide to become a JW. If your parents are active and have had book studies go through this, a light might go off that makes them realize they aren't playing fair with you if they do the guilt thing.

  2) Tell them you realize that this is hard for them. You mentioned you have family who was DFed. Assure them you aren't planning to go door to door preaching against the Society. In other words, you aren't planning to embarass them or turn apostate on them. Then tell them they didn't screw up. You're not an opposer, you're just not a believer in what they believe. Your lack of belief isn't their fault; the Society has simply failed to convince you that it is the one, true religion. Tell them you love them. Tell them you accept them as believers in the WTS and that you hope they'll accept you as someone who is not believer in the WTS.

  3) Once the tension has died down, they may resume pestering you about coming back to the Society. Especially after a talk or convention that reminds them they have an obligation to proselytize. When this happens, you may have to lay down some ground rules and tell them this sort of behavior isn't welcome. You want to stay in contact with them as your parents, not as your evangelists. If they don't want to hear your criticism of the WTS, then they must follow this rule.

  4) In the long run, always let them know how happy you are to be free of the Society. Be a good example of how good it is to be an XJW.
• 

  joeblow

  @FreeAtLast1914: I think it's the living a lie thing that's wearing me down. I do have distance in my favor though. I live in another country now, so I don't have family on my doorstep.