First let me advise you that this is likely to be a rather lengthy post. I do not expect any or all of you to read it, it's more of a verbal (well, typed) processing for myself. That said however, any thoughts or input are welcome and appreciated.
This last weekend I attended a wedding and finished Crisis of Conscience . While these two things aren't directly related, the resultant thoughts and issues seemed to lead the same direction.
To make sense, I think I should fill in some information on both items. Regarding Crisis of Conscience , I feel I should note that I left the borg due to personal issues not due to doctrinal disagreements. I've read very little post exodus as I came to my own conclusions regarding religion in general, Christianity in particular and thereby the JW faith. This book was the first real delving into the belief structure and history of the dubs. On the one hand, it provided much reinforcement to the conclusions I'd already reached as well as filled in the blanks on alot of topics/issues that I hadn't really made myself aware of. Reading it explained alot about my entire life and the way I perceived the world, my family, interactions within the religion and the overall feel of the borg. On the other hand, this stirred up alot of thoughts and feelings with regard my past, my parents and my reasons for leaving the dubs.
I had a hard time pinpointing my reason for leaving. Upon reflection, I don't think I ever really bought the whole thing. Since I was "raised in", most of what I did and said prior to age 20 was because that's what I knew and had been taught, that's just the way it was. I didn't get baptized, go door to door, give talks etc. due to faith or a deep seated feeling that this was right. I did it because that's what mom and dad did and what I was taught was right. I never felt that I talked to god during prayers, I prayed because I was supposed to but always felt like I was talking to some imaginary entity, there was no feeling behind it. That being said, there was a pretty big blow up in my congo around age 19 or 20 that included one of my sisters. Aside from the JC feeling the need to bring up every rumor about myself while interrogating me for the purpose of bringing my sister and the others (I think 3 or 4 persons total), the manner in which they treated both of my sisters over the years really troubled me. When my sis and the other female person involved were summarily DF'd though repentant while the male party was not even though he said he wasn't sorry and asked to be DF'd, It troubled me even more. When I was harassed and looked down upon because I still associated with my sister and was told that I should shun her, I think that was the real turning point. I struggled along for awhile, but was already very tired of the hypocrisy and rumor spreading that went on. Add to that the fact that even though I was 20 years old and well on my way to adulthood, if anyone had an issue with me they went straight to my daddy. I think wishing to be known as my own person and not as "Brent's boy" was why I chose to move to another state, but my mind and heart had already begun to leave the borg.
Since that time I spent about 10 years playing nice in the sandbox and doing my best to spare my parents' feelings. During that time my parents waffled heavily between "we love you" and "we can't talk to you" which led to my severing communication with them about 4 years ago (you can read more on JWD at this link). Both me and my parents have respected the radio silence I requested in that letter. As it has been 4 years though, I've been thinking about this more and trying to decide whether to continue the current arrangement or try to establish some sort of communication and relationship with them. Currently both of my sisters have some semblance of a relationship mostly due to their having children. I talked with both of them recently regarding this and so far have decided to maintain the current arrangement based on their comments.
Enter the exdub wedding. This was not just an exdub function, the family of the bride are lifelong friends of my family and me. My mom and their mom have been friends since before I was born and were best friends until about the time I turned age 10. At that point, my family moved to a town 50 miles away and their family eventually moved to Washington state. We still saw them every year for the DC or because they were visiting their grandparents' place in Idaho, so we kept in touch. The last time we all got together was when I was 18 and my family visited the Portland area to see Mom's family and these guys. After that we all kind of went our own way and lost touch. Post exodus I respected the JW belief that I should not be in touch with those still in so as not to cause additional problems for them or my family. Some time later I changed my mind and had spent several years trying to track them down. We (my sisters and I) got occasional updates through the moms, this is how I came to find out that at least the two oldest siblings (there are 5) were no longer JW's. After being unsuccessful for a long time, I happened to find the oldest (my age) on JWD purely by accident. Since then we've reconnected via myspace and facebook as well as meeting up when she comes to Portland to visit family. The bride in the wedding is the 3rd child and the youngest one I actually knew and grew up around. I met up with her and her now husband last time the older sister was in town and was immediately comfortable with them. Suffice to say that this is not that common amongst my reunions with other former friends.
Back on topic. The wedding was very cool and had a "steampunk" theme. I agreed to attend (might've invited myself actually) partly to keep in contact with the two sisters, partly to meet up with the oldest brother (2 years younger than me and the same age as my sisters) for the first time in 14 years, but mostly out of curiosity of how their parents were going to be involved. The curiosity stemming from my parents refusal to attend my wedding and basically placing their religion above their children. These parents come from the same time and place as well as having the same social circles and children at the same intervals. Add to that the fact that the oldest sibling is lesbian and all but one (the youngest at age 15) have left the borg, yet the parents (from what I could tell) were still involved in their children's lives.
I arrived late (don't trust the time estimates on google maps) and missed the actual ceremony, but got to congratulate the bride and groom as well as spend some time talking to the other siblings I knew. Their parents were not only there, they were involved in the wedding and even dressed in costume for the event (google "steampunk" to get an idea). Upon my arrival I was warmly greeted my the mom as one would expect someone to greet their best friend's son they haven't seen in 14 years. Despite my drastic departure from good JW appearance and the fact that I smoke cigs etc, she gave me a big hug and expressed how good it was to see me. We made the usual small talk and even the dad was friendly (for him).
Why could these people with all the same history and beliefs behave so drastically different from my own parents? Why were their children important to them while my parents apparently held their church as a higher priority? I don't know.
Over the years I've put alot of thought into this. Especially during the 10 years between leaving home and severing communication, I feel that my sisters and I gave them much more leeway than most would. Much of that was because I knew the belief structure that they followed (having been raised in it) and why they my act certain ways. While I do believe that a good portion of their actions over the years can be attributed to the cult, I don't think that all of them can be so neatly explained away. Based on conversations with other exdubs both online and in real life, I've come to the conclusion that they may just be bad parents. There are enough parents of exdubs out there that still manage to maintain a relationship with their children despite a serious difference in beliefs because they love them. In my opinion, no one who truly loves their child would ever shun them or treat them the ways my parents have treated my sisters and me. This is a shitty realization and one that has kept me away more than one night. I don't miss the borg, the "friends" or anything else from my past. I'm not overly bitter about the opportunities missed in my youth because of their dogma. I am bitter however, that I was robbed of what most people take for granted; loving parents.
Thus, because of all of the thoughts and feelings that came flooding back due to the detailed discussion of the borg in Crisis of Conscience along with the personal experiences related to the wedding, I have been a bit disquieted of late and needing to process. I'm stilling sorting things out in my mind but thus far have no reason to change my current relationship with my parents. I'm most likely going to keep such as it is unless they make a truly convincing effort to reenter my life and establish some sort of relationship. While I know it's a two way street, I'm not sure I'm ready to open myself up to that potential for hurt again.