To whom it may concern,
I am writing this before I have made my exit from the JW?s and the congregation. At this time my wife still does not know how I feel and I have only very quietly begun to raise some objections to some Witness teachings and doctrines. I haven?t given my wife any of the smoking guns or lists of facts and contradictions by the Society in their own writings.
I figured I would start with a lot of my early life while I have the chance to do it. There seems to be a little calm before the storm so I want to take this time to think about how I got to where I am.
Divided Household
I grew up in a "divided household". I notice many on this list have had the same ordeal.
My mom was a high school cheerleader, and my dad was the all-star athlete. In fact, when I went to high school - which was the same school my dad went too - there were STILL athletic records at that school of HIS that had STILL not been broken. My dad was a local legend in a "company town" of 7000 people.
Though neither of my parents talk about it, I learned how to do math at an early age and realized I was born while my mom was a senior in high school (oops!). They were married in September, and I was born in February the following year (only a few months later). I learned a few additional details as they each brought skeletons out of the closet during their bitter divorce that took place when I was in my twenties, but I'll get to that at a later date.
So I actually went to high-school with my mom during her senior year, and my dad decided to forego his athletic dreams to take care of his new family.
As often happens, especially starting a marriage on this type of footing, problems developed early. In almost any young marriage there are strains as they continue to grow into adults. My mom?s disappointments with my dad started very early, and my dad has even admitted to me there were things he could have done better as a husband and father. I refuse to hold that against him, because I think about how I would have been as a 17 year old kid - with a kid. By the time he was 23 he had three kids and a mortgage and car payements, and so forth. He had to grow up fast (as did my mom, but somehow girls are good at that), and problems developed.
So my mom was unhappy. She was looking for answers ? perhaps in desperation (my assumption here).My mom started studying with a "kind older sister" in 1973, but actually didn't make her "stand" for the "Truth" until after that - not until probably 1978 or 1979.
When I was only a year old we moved from the trailer we lived in behind my grandfather?s shop to a house across town. When they moved my mom decided to terminate the study. So, in a move that has come to define the non-confrontational nature of our family, my mom moved without telling the lady that conducted the study we were moving.
A short time later ? coincidence! The lady that studied with my mom just happened to stop by our new home. And the studies resumed.
Sometimes my mom wouldn't want to study, so she would take me and my sister in the back porch while she came to the door. We would all hunker down and stay absolutely silent until they left. Such memories!
Somehow something changed. I would like to find out what what it was exactly, but suddenly she took to the Witnesses like gangbusters. I surmise, and hear many stories (even of non-JW families) where newly married wives often feel a tremendous sense of loneliness when they are left at home to care for the kids while the husband goes off to work. Many women suffer sever emotional problems and depression. I wonder if my mom had the same feelings. If so, she was ripe for the tight knit association with JWs ? instant clique.
All the time up until I was about 6, I remember Christmas and birthdays being some of the coolest highlights of my life. Yet throughout my future Witness life I would always say to other JWs, like a good little ?Christian?, ?The holidays were really no big deal. I don?t miss them.? I honestly believed my lie too.
I remember going to the mall at 5 years old with my dad and picking out some perfume for my mom, for a Christmas present. I even remember the name of the perfume - "Charley's". I saw an ad for it on TV and it seemed really "upscale" or something. I wrapped the present myself (not pretty) and was so proud of it I even showed it to the Witness that was studying with my mom (and anyone else that stopped by)! They would study in the same room the Christmas tree was in, and I would run over each week and pull the present out from under the tree and show it to her. She would always smile and say, "Wow! That's great! That is so nice of you to get that present for your mom!"
I remember Easter. The vinegar smell of making my own easter eggs at home with my family. I remember going on Easter Egg hunts in preschool. The preschool was in a church outbuilding and we would all go in and sing hymns. "Jesus Loves Me" "He's Got The Whole World" "Michael Row The Boat Ashore", and so on. This was the same year I got chicken pox and so did everyone in the class. I remember going back and everyone else still had leftover scabs from the pox that hadn't quite fallen off yet.
My mom would drop me off for sunday school at a couple of different churches too. I went to the Baptist Church a few times, and a First Christian Church a few times. She would always give me a dime to put in the plate they passed around. I am still not sure what that was about because no one else in my family ever went but me. I assume she just wanted me to have some sort of spiritual exposure.
Our first trip to the kingdom hall was not much of an experience - we never actually made it there. We tried to find it and drove around for an hour to no avail. We ended up going home. The following week we must have got better directions, because we found it and from that point forward always went. I ended up finding out a "model" Witness family lived just up the street. They had tons of kids and all through our childhoods we actually became like family with each other. I still love them like family. Several of them were at Bethel before during and after the years I was there. One of these friends at Bethel was responsible for getting me into a congregation at Bethel that had several Governing Body members and Writing Department members, of which I will talk about in future entries. Some are still going strong, some are not, and some are probably in denial. Yet, I can truly say that as of now - before I have "left" the JWs - we are like fleshly brothers. I love them to death.
All was not well on the JW horizon as my mom began making more bold stands for ?The Truth? ?
Tomorrow ? ?First Conflict?
