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Alright, you left the organization.... now what?
by thecarpenter 24 Replies latest members private
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thecarpenter
I noticed in some of the threads that many people have a little trouble dealing with life out of the JW hive (and in the hive for that matter). When we were active witnesses, the society provided constant direction and counsel that wasn't always helpful from a emotional standpoint (Many feel we were manipulated and indoctrinated with unrealistic even harmful ways of thinking and living). Undoubtedly, many, including me, have developed unrealistic ways of dealing with personal problems and relating with other people. But at this point... how do you gain greater control of your life, what new goals and purposes will you set, what is really important to you now? These are very personal questions and we have serious decisions to make. Take as much time as you need, no rush.
One book that I read while a active witness and had helped me develop a balanced way of thinking was a book written by Stephen Covey called 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'. I can't begin to tell you the effect it has had on my life. It incorporates some of the fundamental principles of good religion such as benevolence, goodness, integrity and other key components and shows how to use it directly in your life. It also helps in developing greater proactivity and a gives a holistic principled approach of deciding what direction you want your life to take and how to handle the problems the enviably come up. The book doesn't make decisions for you but rather helps you to reach your goals once you made them. It gives some examples of different goals other people have set for themselves.
I actually make it a point to listen to his audio book every 6~8 months or so to refresh my memory and reevaluate my goals and make any adjustments.
I'll try to breakdown the gist of the seven habits (Covey goes into great detail with awesome illustrations)
You start off in the Dependent state (not responsible for your life, Child like attitudes...having to be told what to do, sound familiar
The habits you need to start developing are as followed:
1 - Be Proactive which is another way of saying take the initiative to make things happen in your life, in doing this you make yourself responsible for the outcome.
2- Begin with the End in Mind which means decide what are the most important things in your life. These are not short term goals/aspirations but rather your most important aspirations. This is the habit that we need to spend a lot of contemplation on and continually adjust throughout our lives.
3- Put First Things First once you decide what is most important, he asks you, why aren't you pursuing it. What two things could you be doing now that can pay enormous dividends later on... and why aren't you doing it???
The whole point of the first three habits it to make you realize that you can control your life and be responsible for it. Its purpose is to make you a more Independent person able to make decisions.
Next Covey focuses in on dealings with other people, developing Interdependentrelationships
4 - Think Win/Win with other people; when dealing with other people, strive for situations where both of you get something worthwhile out of the deal or arrangement. When things are done in this matter, the arrangements last longer, no one feels cheated.
5- Seek First to Understand... Then to be Understood - you should be able to explain the other persons position back to them satisfactorily then you can say you understand them; from there make your position known to them
6- Synergize with other team members, develop relationships that produce results that are greater than what could have been achieve independently
7- Sharpen the Saw is the last habit and it means basically to do things that build you up mentally, physically, emotionally (social), and spiritually. Covey goes more into detail in his book
I hope that some of you take a look into the book and find it as helpful to you as it was for me.
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serendipity
Hi carpenter,
Thanks for confirming how great Covey is. I'm a big fan of his approach, and use these 7 principles nearly daily. I think he's the one that also talks about deposits in an emotional bank account. I've used that analogy with my young nephew to show the importance of positive interactions. It's really changed the way he deals with people.
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MegaDude
A few things that were significant to me and still are.
First, take stock of your financial and career situation, retirement goals. Did you deny yourself an education or a career you would have loved because you believed God wanted you to be a magazine salesman? If so, look for creative ways to pursue your dream.
Second, if you're screwed up emotionally from heavy indoctrination or over-amped fears, get some help. Emotional health is a good thing. You can be out of the JW cult but still have residual mental crap in your head that influences you and makes you feel unnecessary fear. Maybe just a few friends on this board is what you need and their good advice. Maybe you need a therapist. Beware, there are good therapists out there and there are also therapists out there as whacky as whacked can be. If your gut tells you a therapist isn't good for you, listen to it.
Remember you are not the first one to leave a cult. Millions have done so. There are some great books on the challenges and experiences of people who have left cults and made a good life. Read at least one. And remember it is your BELIEFS that can make you or break you. So don't be casual about what you decide your beliefs are. They rule your life.
Third. How is your physical health? You'll have more free time now that you aren't out there going to meetings with fellow JW zombies and going door to door trying to make more zombies. Fit exercise into your life on a regular basis. The payoff is enormous in feeling good and a sense of well-being. I do not love exercise, but I love the way it makes me feel. You can make it less boring by listening to audio books from your local library while knocking out time on the treadmill or bike.
Fourth. Forgive yourself. It's not your fault you were a JW. If you raised your kids in the Borg or brought other people into the unholy mess called Jehovah's Witnesses, it's only because you cared about those people. Somebody conned you. Now you are awake. You put integrity and honesty first and left the cult despite the painful consequences of being shunned by your friends and relatives. That takes guts, courage and a dedication to truth, something the Governing Body does not have.
Fifth. Get out there in life and see what you like. There are hoards of people interested in what you are interested in. That could be scuba diving, knitting, hiking, politics, making wine, studying the Bible, sailing, reading, helping others. There is a club out there for every interest human beings have. Build a new set of friends. Direct Experience is the real experience. Direct Experience is what teaches you about life. Go try stuff!!!!
Sixth. Avoid destructive tendencies. There is a lot of pain in life as well as pleasure and fulfilment. Leaving the Borg can make you feel like you've been worked over by a good beating by a baseball bat. There are many ways to mood alter: excessive indulgence in your favorite foods, habitual recreational drug use, drinking too much alcohol, spending money you don't have... and the list goes on. None of them lead to a sense of well being afterwards. They lead to repetition of the behavior. How is that behavior going to affect your life, your family, your future? Is this behavior putting negative pressure in your life that you don't need?
Seventh. This will be controversial. Make your own connection with God. For a long time I wasn't sure about this. I decided to simply do an experiment and pray "God, if you're out there, show me how to believe." After many answered prayers, too many to be coincidences in my opinion, I came back to believing. I consider myself a free-range Christian. Nobody can tell me what to believe. I have my own experience. It feeds me and gives me a solid basis on which I have a feeling of hope for myself and others. It has made me a kinder and more forgiving person, one that still has a long way to go. I am gaining some momentum away from the harsh and nihilistic person of years past.
The things above have kept me busy.
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Tea4Two
I am so naive...No wonder I didn't get anywhere in the cong...I had so many questions about the 144,000.... I don't know if I was ever a JW at heart. However I did fall for the ""We are in the last days"" BS. Simply because the scriptures seem to point in that direction.
What do I do now as far as worship? What I have always done.... go my own way with the intelligents that I was born with and depend on God for leading my footsteps.....It works for me.
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ballistic
Results 1 - 10 of about 3,500,000 for intelligents. (0.30 seconds)
Did you mean: intelligence
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katiekitten
Oh god I hate those motivational books and those motivational people. Theyre so full on positive all the time, sickly wonderful successful self appreciating copy me im f00king fantastic, wear you out types.
"I just thought about money every morning for 5 minutes now im a millionaire"
"I decided to become slim and I DID!!"
"I couldnt read and then I decided to be bloody successful now I employ 30,000 former homeless people licking sticky labels in my sticky label factory"
"I changed from a suecidal grunge monster into a whole self actualising successful fully rounded responsible person at peace with myself just by looking in the mirror and reassesing my goals in life".
Sigh - I guess im happy to be a slighly ineffectual sometimes forgetful pottering about type.
(no offence to all the highly effective self actualising goal oriented people people with fantastic careers in bottled gas or something) -
parakeet
"Did you mean: intelligence"
Will you Brits please stop picking on the Americans' spelling and grammar? Yes, we make plenty of mistakes, but so do you. Please read for content; this isn't a spelling competition. -
anewme
Megadude, I like your phrase "Free fange Christian"
Good thread by the way! -
MegaDude
Oh god I hate those motivational books and those motivational people.
The ones trying to sell you something are sickening sometimes in their cheesiness and phoney cheer. Tony Robbins comes to mind.
However, I like Stephen Covey. I like the things he emphasizes, especially begin with the end in mind. Very few people do that and yet it's such a valuable principle. Why don't more follow it? How many people are spending and running up their credit cards with no thought to their retirement or how they are being ripped off by the credit card companies by ruinous interest? It's a problem in the UK and America.