Ex Cult Members and Toxic Relationships

by Sirona 9 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Sirona

  I've been thinking recently about how being an Ex Cult Member affects the way I handle current relationships.

  It appears to me that sometimes I am still influenced by the old way of thinking (JW way of thinking). They teach that we should always be "humble". They told us that we were imperfect. They told us we should always be doing more. I remember the deep guilt I would feel at not being good enough (not good enough as an associate for those so called "spiritual ones", not good enough for God). I was supposed to be doing things for others ALL of the time. Doing things for me was being fleshly and selfish. Owning things was materialistic. Knowing things was displaying "haughtiness" or "running ahead of Jehovahs Organisation".

  Nowadays I wonder how this affects the things I do and say in my relationships. Over the past week or two, a number of things have happened which have challenged me in terms of those I love. It isn't any one person, just a number of small events which have made me realise that I haven't been giving myself enough love or respect. I've been cutting some people way too much slack, and I've been worse for it.

  I found this article about ex cult members. It was interesting. I've taken some snippets.

  http://www.factnet.org/Margaret_Thaler_Singer/Coercive_Persuasion_and_the_Problems_of_Ex_Cult_Members.html

  After these three or four weeks of relaxation, nourishment and information, it takes another 8 to 18 months for people who have been in a cult for over a year to regain their mental disposition. By that, however, I do not mean that these people are mentally ill or anything of that sort. Most of them are normal according to American psychological and psychiatric standards. It can only be told from the reports of the parents and good friends who knew the subject people previously how much their intellect has been restricted. Most of them, during the first few months of leaving the cult, begin to realize how much more they think and consider. Then they become aware of how dull and inactive their minds were in thinking. I have contact with many former members here in the Bay Area. The amazing thing, again and again, is that many of them, one or even two years after their departure, are puzzled by the progress they have made in their lives; their spirit is rejuvenated and they once again have a foothold in life. But it still takes 8 to 18 months until they are completely mentally capable again. That, by itself, is fascinating. Very many young people have come to me to get counselling because they are suffering from various forms of loneliness and very diverse problems.

  2. They have tremendous difficulty making their own decisions because all decisions, when they belonged to the sect, were made for them. They even need help in things as simple as buying an alarm clock in waking up on time in the morning.

  13. Another problem area? Those young people would like to be altruistic, but they would like to be able to help humanity without being deceived by another cult. And they do not know how they should go about it.

  What do you think?

  Sirona
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  Odrade

  Those young people would like to be altruistic, but they would like to be able to help humanity without being deceived by another cult. And they do not know how they should go about it.

  Well, this comment really strikes me. Not just young people...

  O
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  Gadget

  Nowadays I wonder how this affects the things I do and say in my relationships.

  I've noticed this too. Thanks for posting this.
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  codeblue

  Quite true!

  I have found in the last few months that I have a very "low tolerance" to dealing with people or certain stressful situations. As soon as I feel the red flag.....I find myself resisting it.

  Guess that has something to do with 36 years of not listening to any red flags and just "accepting things" because I thought it was the truth(tm).

  Codeblue
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  happehanna

  thanks Sirona !

  this strikes a chord with me today. food for thought yet again
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  Sirona

  I'm glad you found it helpful. I'm still thinking about it (I'm introspective this weekend)

  Sirona
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  Satanus

  I wasn't able to read all of the quoted part, because it's tto wide to fit on my screen. But i got the jist, i think.

  I find myself being too helpful, often. That seems to attract users, who attatch themselves to me in the guise of friends. Maybe they think, 'oh, here's a really useful person to have around. I will just keep contact.' Then again, maybe some of them really are friends. Anyway, i generally cut off contact after a while, when it gets obvious.

  I still ask myself, what the basis of friendship is. Or, is it enough just to be friendly to a lot of people?

  S
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  StinkyPantz

  Most of them, during the first few months of leaving the cult, begin to realize how much more they think and consider. Then they become aware of how dull and inactive their minds were in thinking.

  This is so true! I started college right around the time I discovered the truth about The Truth. I was amazed at the commonly held scientific theories, philosophies, etc. that I had totally discarded due to my cult beliefs. I couldn't absorb enough info on anthropology and geology and philosophy! It was and still is an amazing thing.
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  BrendaCloutier

  ding ding ding ding << bells ringing here

  For me it was a combination of JW subserviant wife, never allowed to use the word "no" as a child, and being in a couple of marriages to violent alcoholics (other than me ;).

  So I was pretty f.. fouled up when it came to personal power and relationships.

  In my alcoholism recovery i was confronted with my toxic relationships, especially the one I had with myself. It took a lot of work to become relatively "normal". I attended free weekly groups put on by a local (Seattle) women's shelter to work on the DV issues for over a year. I attended Alanon and CoDA meetings regularly. I read.

  The single most helpful book for me was Melodie Beatty's book "Language of the Heart" a 365 day meditation and teaching book. (I believe she is god-inspired).

  One of the neat things I discovered is it's OK to be kind and loving. It's not OK to continue to be kind and loving to people who continuously treat you poorly.

  Another neat thing I discovered is that I was in an excellent possition to remake Brenda. I'd try on new behaviours with people. The ones that worked and I liked, I kept. The ones that didnt work, or I didn't like how they felt, I discarded.

  I also walked away from people who refused to honour the work I was doing and the boundaries I was setting. I simply no longer needed people like that in my life.

  Good luck in your journey. You have an exciting path ahead of you!

  Brenda

  PS My spousal unit says I still take some "wifely duties" on that he thinks should be shared.... I happen to take them on because I enjoy them.
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  Odrade

  One of the neat things I discovered is it's OK to be kind and loving. It's not OK to continue to be kind and loving to people who continuously treat you poorly.

  still trying to learn that one....