The outing at the lake...
One last memory. Once when Laurie was staying at Rainey's house, we decided to go up to Canyon Lake and spend the weekend. I'm not sure when it was that we left San Antonio for the lake... possibly Friday evening. We got there in the evening, found a campsite to claim, and proceeded to gather firewood for a cook fire. Rainey was gathering dead wood from out of the trees, and Laurie and I were poking fun at her. Anyway, we had our supper and went to bed. We all had our sleeping bags and bedded down for the night. We slept on the concrete park benches, stretched out in our sleeping bags. During the night, it got coldish... and I wound up getting closer to Laurie for warmth (she was always warm). That is how we were in the morning when we got up. I know that Rainey saw us snuggled together, but she didn't say much. We went swimming after breakfast. Rainey was off by herself doing her own thing, and Laurie and I hung out together. We had brought inner tubes and had a rope tied to one of them that we let dangle into the water below us. I've never been a good swimmer, but I was experimenting with learning different ways of going under water while holding my breath. One of these times I exhaled before dropping down thru my tube. Well, I kept going down for a bit... further than I expected... or wanted. I started to panic. Thoughts started racing through my head. Like just drop to the bottom and then walk out of the lake. It wasn't _that_ far to the shallow water. Or, go ahead and breathe. Finally, I decided that the only way was to try to swim back up. Up to my tube. But trying to push myself up was very difficult and slow. Almost like I was still going down. Try harder. Push. I finally started making a bit of upwards progress. My arms were aching, my lungs were about to burst. Try harder. Reach for anything to help pull me up. Nothing to grasp. Wait... there _is_ something there. Laurie's legs dangling in the water. Grab them and pull hard. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I broke the surface gasping for air. Laurie was there next to me in her tube. I was very shaken with my near death experience. After I calmed down a bit, Laurie told me that she had realized that I had been down longer than usual, and so had purposely dropped as low as she could in her tube to give me something to grab onto. I still think that our mental link had a little bit to do with her decision. If she hadn't done what she did, I may not have made it to the surface. We spent a few more hours in the water. About noon time we got out of the water and ate lunch. We realized at this time that we had not put on any suntan lotion and as a result we had gotten a very bad sunburn. We were miserable. Rainey, using her usual intellect, had a bright idea. She suggested that we could go and cool off (which was supposed to ease the pain of the sunburn) by going and getting into the water right below the dam where it was very cool. Well, Laurie and I weren't familiar with the area, so we relied on Rainey's judgement. Plus, we were both in a lot of pain. We drove around to the dam side of the lake and found this place Rainey was talking about. It turned out that, even though we were in a lot of pain, the water was too cold to allow us to stay in it for very long. Our skin would turn from burn-red to freezing-blue in a matter of seconds. We soon gave up on this idea. The next idea that we had was to go home. Along the way, in severe pain, it was mentioned that it would be a good idea if we could stop and rent a motel room with air-conditioning and spend the night in a bit of comfort. All of us agreed, and we started looking for an inexpensive motel along the way home. We either didn't find one, or aborted the idea, because we wound up back in San Antonio where I dropped Rainey and Laurie off at Rainey's house. I went home to my cottage where I spent the rest of the evening in misery. I was still in bad pain Monday, and took off from work. In fact if I remember correctly, all three of us played hookey from work, as all of us were sunburned pretty bad. I suppose I'll remember this occasion as the time that Laurie saved me from drowning.
One of the other things that I liked about Laurie was that she had a habit of taking a dress with her in her car. She kept it on a hanger above the back seat. She would then be ready to change into some nice clothes for whatever we decided to do. I always thought it was considerate and somewhat alluring in an unusual sort of way. She always tried to please me by looking nice and all.
I suppose I could go on relating story after story of Laurie and myself and how I thought a lot of her. Each time I read thru this, I think of another memory that I could relate. It seems that every time she was around I would get this funny feeling in my insides... and my heart would go pitter patter. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. Of course, at the time I just figured it must have been lecherous lust, but later, after being with Rainey and realizing that I never felt this pitter patter, I realized it was love. By now, you must be wondering what happened? Why didn't I marry Laurie Stiner?
Well, I think that I needed some room and time alone to think. Things had sort of gotten out of hand. I had had a talk with the elders in the congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses that I was attending... I may have handled part of that incorrectly... I don't know. The elders weren't known for giving advice... and this occasion was no exception. Laurie was beginning to study the bible with a friend, and attend the meetings with me. I don't know if she could detect it, but I certainly detected a 'coldness' from the elders involved. I can't understand such behavior. Sort of hypocritical if you ask me.
Laurie was beginning to 'crowd' my thoughts and free time. I couldn't have a free evening alone to think. She would be at my cottage waiting for me when I came home from work. This got on my nerves. I suppose, if I had the chance to do it over, I would talk to her and tell her this. At the time, I was too upset to do so. One day I had proposed to her. She was excited about it, and had told her mom. Her mom then started making all sorts of wedding plans. Where to have the reception, who to invite, etc. To be honest, this sort of talk was scaring the stuffing out of me. I was losing control of the situation... although I probably never had much control of it to begin with.
She decided she was going to move over to the South side of San Antonio, so that she could be closer to me. She and Rainey were friends, Rainey was renting a house with a spare bedroom, and so Laurie moved in with her. (I never liked the idea.) We all three started to pal around together. Myself, I wanted someone around so that I would behave myself while I was with Laurie, so from that angle, I guess it kind of sounded good at the time.
I had finally been able to 'just be friends' with Rainey. I had Laurie. There was no need to want anything more from Rainey. I was content just being 'friends' with her. Then it happened. The worst thing in my history. The disaster.
Laurie, Rainey and myself had a sort of party one evening at Laurie's house. We had been swimming all afternoon at a pool near Laurie's house. Rainey had been doing loops in the water. Myself, I couldn't swim very well, so I just watched and hung out with Laurie. Afterwards, we ate pizza... the frozen kind that you put in the oven. We also had wine. Rainey had previously bragged about how she could hold her liquor, so I had gotten her a bottle of Mogen David 20/20. AKA MadDog. Rotgut. Anyways, she proceeded to put away most of it... I helped a bit. Laurie had a glass or two... but not too much. Plus, she _could_ hold her liquor. Later, I guess the wine hit Rainey and hit her hard. She had all but passed out in the living room. Laurie and I half carried and half dragged Rainey to Laurie's bedroom where we left her in a drunken doze on Laurie's bed. We went back to the living room where we were watching a movie on TV or something. After a few minutes, we heard noises from the bathroom and discovered that Rainey had dragged herself there where she was hugging the commode. She wasn't in too good of shape. I left Laurie with her and later we put her back in bed. She got up again, however, and made it back to the bathroom. I guess she couldn't leave the commode for too long.
Deep down inside, I suppose, I had wanted to hold Rainey, to see what it felt like, and I was a bit drunk, so the second time that Rainey was in the bathroom, I went in there and was holding her while she moaned and groaned into the commode. Eventually, everyone settled down for the night. I slept on the couch, Rainey on Laurie's bed... I'm not sure where Laurie slept. On her mothers bed I suppose. I got to feeling a bit sick later that night and threw up into a nearby wastebasket that Laurie had provided me in advance... just for such an emergency.
All was back to normal the next day or so we thought. A few weeks later, Rainey was taking off from work, going to the doctor for an illness. The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with her. You know why? Laurie and I knew. It was evident from her trying very hard to remember the times that she and I were together as friends... she was trying very hard to remember the song that we skated to when we first met. She couldn't. Of course, _I_ could, but it was a very long time ago, and at the time she was no more interested in me than the usual 'just friends'. What she had done was get herself caught up in this fantasy she had created, and made herself lovesick over me.
Laurie and I discussed it one evening and decided that I should confront Rainey with what we saw as obvious. I took Rainey to a restaurant while Laurie went to visit her dad and his new family (he had recently remarried to a woman who had several children). I mentioned to Rainey what Laurie and I noticed. She, when confronted with it, admitted that she was wanting more than friendship, but realized that Laurie and I were going together. She mentioned that she would take care of her problem by going to Smithville (wherever that is), and staying with some relatives while trying to get over me.
Ok, here is where I goofed. Big time. I felt... no, not love, but pity for Rainey. That's right, pity. Why? Because I knew the sheer hell she would be going thru. Yes, I felt sorry for her. After all, I had gone thru it not long before... not just once, but twice (I had to deal with feelings I felt for Nola Young after she disappeared). After we finished at the restaurant, we went walking. Mistake number two. We sat on a park bench and talked for a bit, then went over to Playland Park (a local amusement park with all sorts of rides). Mistake number three. We stayed out late and I got her back to her house after midnight. Laurie was furious. And worried. Rightly so, I suppose, considering.
Not long after that I took Laurie out to eat and afterwards let her know that I no longer wanted to go with her. Not my last, but possibly my biggest mistake (ok, second biggest. Marrying Rainey was my biggest.). Laurie was crushed... and rightly so. She didn't know what to do. She talked with Rainey's mom... (now I ask you... how impartial is a mom going to be when it comes to giving advice to someone when her own daughter is involved)... she talked to... others I can't remember. To no avail. Heartbroken, she finally moved out of Rainey's house when she could no longer stand the pain.
I meanwhile, went to the elders and informed them of what I was doing... thinking that they would be pleased. They were... of course they were. I didn't know why at that time... but it was because we both (myself and Rainey) were problem children in the congregation. Rainey had been in trouble a bit previously with a person and had received counseling from the elders. If I married Rainey, that would solve both their problems. I think overjoyed would be the more accurate word to describe their attitudes. Of course, they didn't care too much for Laurie... after all she wasn't even a Witness... she was just studying. A Jezebel. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Well, Rainey and I got married that fall. I saw Laurie once at an assembly prior to our wedding. It was the assembly where she got baptized. It was an awkward situation. The air was tense. I wanted to hug her and congratulate her... but couldn't... and didn't. After our wedding, I saw Laurie and talked to her three or four times. She finally made it clear that she didn't and couldn't be friends. I suppose the pain was too much. I miss her... and her friendship. Her intellect, humor, laugh, smile, just being near her. But I suppose I'll never see her again.
I quit going to meetings and essentially quit being one of Jehovah's Witnesses because I cannot see myself staying with Rainey forever. I cannot survive being with someone like her. She is of too shallow a mentality. No amount of education can help that.
One thing that I haven't been able to do is love Rainey. Remember, she had wanted to be 'just friends'. I _did_ at one time have feelings towards her, but because of this 'just friends' rule that she imposed long ago, I had to deal with them the only way I knew how. I destroyed them. Totally. After all, that was the only logical thing to do to retain my sanity at the time. Remember, the one man that I looked up to as an example was Mr. Spock. Later, I figured that I could revive them. Nope... I still can't. I _can_ however be good friends with her. I just can't love her. Especially after being around someone like Laurie.
I got separated from Rainey after a couple of years. She was pregnant at the time, I was confused, mad, not sure what to do. I spent about a year by myself. I lived in an apartment complex. I went over to Laurie's mom's house on Nocturne. I talked to her mom for a bit... she was pleasant (why?), and gave me Laurie's phone number and a sort of description of where she was living at the time. I called her from a pay phone, trying to arrange a meeting so we could talk in person. Laurie refused. She had something to do... or so she said. Another time that I tried to contact her was when I needed some help (or so I thought) in carrying a roll top desk that I was about to purchase. I called her up on the phone... there was a bad connection, I could barely hear her. I said that I would call her back. She said ok. I did... and got her dad's business answering service. Very cunning of her. I wound up going by her apartment complex anyway with the thought of talking to her in person. I couldn't figure out exactly which apartment was hers... but I saw her car in the parking lot. I left a note on the car and left. It turned out that I was able to get the roll top by myself. Since then, I have realized that I am capable of doing many things by myself if I think hard enough. It has come in handy, since being around someone like Rainey means I pretty much have to do things by myself (her capabilities for rendering assistance are very limited).
One last experience I had with Laurie doesn't directly involve her. It occurred when I was spending much time at the Denny's near my apartment, writing BASIC computer programs till the wee hours of the morning. I would usually only do this on the weekends. I was sitting there at the counter when a guy and his girl-friend walked in and were seated at a booth. They had their meal and were socializing. I was watching the girl... it had been a long time, but by golly, she looked very much like Laurie. In fact in my coffeed stupor, she _was_ Laurie. I kept watching her to see if, and how, she reacted when she spotted me. I figured that would be the key, if she recognized me or not. Well, she glanced over at me a couple of times, and would immediately begin a heavy flirtatious session (or so it seemed) with her boyfriend afterwards. I figured that was a good sign... she _really_ looked like Laurie. I got thru... I couldn't concentrate much more on my programming anyway, and walked over to the booth where they were sitting. I spoke to her, saying something like "Well, aren't you going to say hi?" She looked kinda funny, looked at her boyfriend, then, still very much puzzled, again at me. I realized, up close, that she was much younger than Laurie... by about 5 years or so. I immediately apologized... to both of them... and beat a hasty retreat. I was shook up pretty bad afterwards. I went home and for some reason couldn't stop shaking. It was late, but I had to talk to someone... or so I thought. I called Karl Brock. He was nice, and asked me to drop by the next day in the evening. In the meantime, I had turned on my Commodore 64 computer. The cool blue screen and cyan 60 Hertz blinking cursor had a warming, reassuring affect on me. It brought me back to my senses. I realized after this how much I had grown to rely on my computers for my sanity. They have saved me many times since then. Needless to say, after my 'Laurie encounter', I set about to re-program myself, so that I would react better if I were ever in a similar set of circumstances again.
I think I would have left Rainey long ago if it weren't for my daughter Kathleen. I'm not too good around kids, but I could see Rainey training Kathleen just like herself. Kathleen would have gone crazy. She would be trapped in a world of ignorance. I couldn't allow that. I have stayed to try to offset some of that ignorance. I think Kathleen has done very well. She is an intelligent child, however, I'm about to go nuts trying to retain my sanity. I'm losing it... I can't hold on for much longer. Won't someone please help me? No, I forgot... I must do this alone. No outside help. That's the way it has always been, that's the way it will always be.
Laurie, if you ever read this... I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I know that it's too late, and that I've hurt you badly and you hate me for treating you the way I did. I don't blame you. I'm sorry. If I had it to do over, I'd try to do things differently. I would try not to hurt you. But alas, it's too late for saying I'm sorry.
Shalom.
11-1-92 Addendum:
I just went through another experience. I didn't think I was susceptible any more, but obviously I still am. What am I talking about? Well, I went to the monthly computer user group board meeting that meets at Jim's at Blanco and Loop 410. There I was, sitting at the counter looking around, waiting for the rest of the board members to show up. I spotted a girl who was peering at me from around the wall of the booth she was sitting at. I could not tell if she was with anyone or not (she wasn't), but she would look over my way and then look away quickly. I had to put on my glasses to try to see her, but from where I was sitting, she looked very much like Laurie. I looked several times to try to make sure (remember, I made this mistake before). I finally decided that if it was Laurie, I would wait until she got to the register, near to where I was sitting, and then speak to her... if she looked at me. Well, I tried to focus mentally on my books that I took with me. No go. My mental state would not let me focus on anything. I looked up to see Steven Bernstein, the President of our group walk in, and at the same time this girl got up and made her way over to the register area. She went over to greet a fella who had just walked in at the same time that Steven had. I spoke to Steven, then addressed her as Laurie. I was totally blown away... and bumfuzzled. Steven was a bit confused by my erratic actions, not sure what to do or say. The Laurie look-alike partially looked around... recovered, and spoke to her friend. They went off to the booth where she had been sitting previously. Even up close, I had a difficult time determining if it was Laurie or not. I'm still not sure, although, for some reason that is not too clear to me right now, I finally decided that it must not be her. Perhaps she was too young looking. Perhaps it was because of her eye color (what color were her eyes?)... I don't remember. They finally got up together after a few minutes and left the restaurant. She didn't look my way, so I guess it wasn't her. And if it _was_ her? Would I have spoken to her? (Song on the radio = Lost without your love - Bread) I think so... but remember, I would probably be wrong... it would probably be someone else, and not Laurie. If it wasn't Laurie, well, she has a double out there... a very _good_ double (perhaps the same girl from years before?). I'm ok now... I'll recover my senses now and re-program to not allow incidences like this to affect me so adversely again... I hope.