Dub HOWTO Field Service
By SYN ([email protected])
This document is for free distribution and is copylefted under the GPL. You may distribute it to anyone you like. In fact, if you dont distribute it, the author will be forced to shove small rodents down the front of your pants when you least expect it.
Introduction
Continuing on in our series of HOWTO documents describing various aspects of Dub Life, this tutorial/guidance document/new light will instill in new Dubs and Dubettes (the latter are not regarded as true Dubs, only as second-class citizens) a sense of awe and reverence for that most antiquated and absurd of Dub rituals (excluding the Memorial), Field Service.
In times past, Dubs used to be referred to as Colporteurs. Now, since nobody on this wonderfully polluted little planet of ours has known the meaning of that word since it was coined by an asthmatic professor in an obscure wing of Oxford University 83 years ago, the name has been changed by the loving Faithful and Indiscreet Slave to a more digestible one, namely, Publishers. Notice that this name-change doesnt mean that the Publishers automagically became little powerhouses of Theocratic Literature Dispersal quite the opposite. Now, Publishers perform Field Service, not to sell literature, but to ask for a donation.
This donation is made for the exact value of the magazines, and then the Publisher may or may not receive the full value of the magazines back from any Worldlings (Worldies) who decide in a fit of insanity to peruse this literature. One important fact about all Dub Literature is that it is very similar to recycled glass while it may look glossy and shiny on the outside, it is in fact just someones old, used beer bottle that now holds your flowers.
An integral part of Field Service is the dispersal of said literature to the Worldlies. Please beware that Worldlies are never to be called Worldlies to their Worldling faces this would be considered a terrible faux pas in Dubland. The acceptable useage of this term is only within the context of gatherings of Dubs, as outlined by Jesus (apparently) when He stated, Whenever two or more of you are gathered together, you may drink only Bud Light, so as to appear Theocratic. For example, it would be truly Private-Reproval-Engendering to be seen by other Dubs and Dubettes running down the street after a truly frightened Worlding shouting Hey Worlding, come back and take my Watchtower! Indeed, such an action would most likely result in Private Reproof, which is just like Public Reproof, except that everybody finds out about it from the wives of the Elders and not the platform.
Once you have acquired a sufficient arsenal of Dub Ordinance (Literature) from the Book Servant in your Congregation, usually to be identified by an extraordinarily harassed appearance as seventy Congregation members ask for literature during the five minutes before the start of every meeting, you may begin your dispersal process. Since big words like Dispersal Process are not viewed as becoming of a Christian by the Gubning Body, they gave us a newer, more public-relations-friendly name, which is Field Service.
When you are in Dubland, your status is not measured by how flash your car is, or how large your house is. Surprisingly enough, these things can actually be detrimental to your status in the Congregation, as they are seen as being unbecoming of a True Christian, who would instead be donating every red cent to the Gubning Body for purposes unknown. No, your status is measured by three things, which can be multiplied together (non-commutatively) to arrive at an estimation of your status in the Congregation. These three things are:
- Number of doors on Service Vehicle currently in use.
- Number of hours spent in Field Service.
- Number of units of preferred national currency donated to Chief Poomba Elder in your Congregation, or alternatively the Circuit Overseer.
Used correctly, your Dub Status can be used like an amazing Megaman powerup, making you invulnerable for a brief period of time against things like Dying At Armageddon, Birds (Esp. Vultures, Whose Population Is Multiplying), and worst of all Not Being Invited To The Get-Togethers. Please note that your Dub Status, just like a Megaman powerup, or possibly Quad Damage in Quake, only lasts a short period of time, and needs to be supplemented with additional donations and ass-kissing. A handy indicator for when you are making the correct amount of donations and kissing the correct amount of ass is that your wallet is empty and your nose is a rich, earthy shade of brown. This is also a good sign of one who is reaching out for privileges.
After you have harassed your Book Slave (never Slavette) for your literature, you must now place it in your book bag, in readiness for your next onslaught on an unsuspecting neighbourhood or slum. Whether you get to work a slum or a neighbourhood depends entirely on how much your Ministerial Servant likes you.
Field Service can take place at any time, but one is discouraged from doing emergency end-of-the-month-oh-my-god-I-dont-have-enough-hours-in-to-remain-active Field Service at 5AM, due to the severe lack of responses at the doors. A common time to go on Field Service is after or before the Watchtower Study and Pubic Talk. First, a Strategic Reconnaissance Meeting will be held in the Kingdom Hall, attended only by those going on Field Service. Anyone left in the Hall after the Sunday meeting will wander out of the door with a sheepish expression on their face, while the more Theocratic Ones in the Congregation gather around the unlucky Brother (never a Brotherette) who has been chosen (ha) by the Elders to perform the Field Service coordination. Mostly he just prays and reads some stuff out of the Daily Text, which you may then forget instantly and begin yapping with your car group about the Spiritual Status of Brother Forgetalot.
Once everyone has gotten into the car and one or more persons are regrettably close to that Brother who Doesnt Shower Much Before Field Service, you may proceed at a sedate pace towards the chosen Emerging Point. A delicate balance is needed to achieve a speed which isnt Untheocratic, but which is also not endangering to the lives of the other Brothers and Brotherettes in your large minibus or van. Most Publishers land up driving towards the Emerging Point at about twice walking speed due to these restrictions. Notice how nobody is in a hurry to begin the Assimilation process.
Once your car convoy reaches the Emerging Point, you get out and begin wandering around like a lost sheep, and try to find a partner. This process can be fatiguing in the extreme, as you certainly wouldnt want to work with Sister Hotty only the most experienced of Elders have the mental fortitude and lack of hormonal activity required for working with her. A good pick would be a very Spiritual Brother.
Now the difficult part begins. You have to go up to each second or third door, pretend to knock on it, pretend to wait for an answer, and then go on to the next door, while braving the hazards of dogs, gates, and the three-inches-too-short-dress of Sister Hotty all the time. Taxing as it may be, this Service is essential to ensure that you dont get eaten by large birds of prey at a near, but unspecified point in the future.
Requirements
Now that youre in Field Service, its time you changed your style of dress. As it certainly wouldnt do to change clothes during Field Service, you probably want to do this beforehand. For starters, here is a brief list of things that are indispensable:
Brothers:
1. Tie. The less blood goes to your brain, the better. As a rule of thumb, if any critical thought process survives upstairs, your tie is not tight enough.
2. Scuffed Shoes with laces.
3. Cheap socks.
4. Tight Belt to conceal your amazing fuel tank (more commonly known as a potbelly). Remember, ones who are reaching out for privileges do not need hard, tight stomachs. Time spent at gym is time better spent cleaning the Kingdom Hall.
5. Jacket , featuring Eu De Sweaty Meeting Night after-shave smell. If small mammals and birds dont expire when approaching too closely, you are probably not attending enough meetings.
6. Stick Em Up Shirt . Shirts like this are given this name because they fit you so badly they land up in the crack of your ass after meetings. A good source for shirts like these is your 6-foot tall grandfathers closet.
7. Field Service Bag . Preferably battered and showing much use out in the battlegrounds of Service, this bag should weigh a minimum of sixteen tons, relative to your arm strength. Larger Brothers will need very heavy bags. If your shoulders are not numb after an hour of Service, you are not carrying a Theocratically Acceptable amount of literature.
8. Literature . It is advisable to have the latest Watchtowers and Awakes (note that the term latest is used very loosely here), as well as the Reasoning Book, which, apart from being one of the most oxymoronical names ever given to any piece of Dub Literature, also serves as a healthy indication of Theocratic Firepower when removed from your bag at critical moments, such as when the use of actual reasoning is required at the doors. Situations like these are dangerous in the extreme, and one should probably run fast in the opposite direction to the householder if they arise.
Sisters:
1. Sensible Dress. These distinctly resemble an acre of cloth in most cases, with flowers printed on in a haphazard fashion by faulty ink presses. A willing Sister (is there any other kind?) can make herself dresses like these quite easily, by simply taking an actual acre of cloth, folding it in half lengthwise, sewing the edges together, then cutting holes for the arms and head.
2. No Makeup. Only Elderettes are allowed to wear copious amounts of makeup.
3. Sensible Shoes. Sensible in this instance means shoes with buckles.
4. Granny Panties. I think by this stage we all know that all forms of the THONG indicate impending seduction by a Sisterette.
5. Book Bag. See above.
The Coffee Break
Commonly implemented throughout all Dub-Compatible architectures, The Coffee Break is an essential part of Field Service. The Coffee Break has even been known to entirely replace Field Service in colder climates where Sisterettes dont really want to walk around in the cold, so they drink coffee instead.
If you dont like cold coffee, you will learn to like it, as your Dub Career sees you inhabiting coffee shops on a regular basis, and spending an hour per cup, seeing as how you are so goddamn cheapskate you dont want to blow a few cents on another cup.
Dealing With Evil Apostates
Those day-um Apostates! Always interfering with our plans to take over the Worldlings! Since Dubs are No Part Of The World, we should strive to avoid Evil Apostates (the Evil Slave Class) in every aspect of our lives. If one is forced to work with an Evil Apostate, one should probably quit, or at least get fired. Anything else is Untheocratic, and we dont want to be there, do we?
Evil Apostates can be identified in several ways. One excellent way of seeing if someone is an Evil Apostate is by spraying him or her with Holy Water, upon which they will burn and writhe in agony. Oh dear, my wires got crossed for a moment, this isnt Learn Exorcism in 21 Days, this is the Dub HOWTO! To get back into the subject, one can identify an Evil Slave Class person by placing a copy of the New World Translation in their hands, or otherwise attaching it firmly to their body, possibly with twine. If they truly are an Evil Apostate, they will stop floating around.
Since Dubs are not Catholics, there are no crosses that can be held in front of one to protect one from imminent deASSimilation. Instead, a Dub could use a Field Service Time Report slip (SFS3274922111-wtr), but their effectiveness is limited in the face of a truly organized Apostate Onslaught, such as can be found at certain Conventions. In cases such as these, it is normally a better idea to simply ignore the Apostate in question. Please keep your babies and small children away from Evil Apostates, as the Gubning Body has counseled us time and time again.
Bible Studies
Once you have managed to slightly ASSimilate a person, it is time for them to begin having a Bible Study, which is a bit of a misnomer, as all that is really studied is the Watchtower, with the Bible used as a handy reference guide to the Watchtower. This topic, along with Tommy Lee Jones intriguing collection of rare Russian Blue geckos, will be covered in the next HOWTO.
Edited to add: ARgh. It ate my quotation marks, dashes, and all 10 million of my TM symbols. The pain. The anguish.
Edited by - SYN on 9 December 2002 2:9:16