I'm rather long-winded, as well pretentious sounding, but I had to break this tale into two parts in order to tell it....people would get bored otherwise. (Sorry for the blatent rip-off, Amazing)
For those of you who don't know, I'm a raised JW, yet not born into it. I celebrated several Christmas, birthdays, until I was about five. My father had my mother as opposition in his spiritual rearing of me, so those five years were nice for me. I received a lot of love, and a lot of attention, because my father WANTED me to be a witness, and my mother was trying very hard to keep me away.
An interesting anecdote during this time: my father had been having mental problems, yet, despite his knowledge of this, was convinced that demons had visited him during one Christmas eve to scare him into finding my mother. (She had went to her mothers' for Christmas)
The next day after she returned he told my mother that she had brought demons into the apartment by celebrating Christmas, because he had heard pots thrown around the kitchen and horrible sounds the night before. Although she said to him, "Haven't been taking your pills again, Ashi's Dad?" (My mom's the best), she still refrained from celebrating the next year. This eventually turned her into a witness. Oddly enough, now, she says that's the thing she missed most, and regrets-missing all those Christmas' with her parents....and now they're passed on.
I'll skip ahead a few years. I am questioning everything at this time, accusing my father of abuse to the elders, just making my life's father hell in general. I really wasn't getting anywhere, but he sure wasn't getting any where in the congregation.
Personally, I was counseled by the elders for talking to 'the bad kids', for not believing that my worldly best friend was going to be killed in Armageddon, that Christmas was bad, etc. I always was an apostate I suppose, but little children have leeway unimaginable-they can always put their feet in their mouths and get away with it.
My dramas turned to wars, wars to world wars. Still, in the hall I was respected because I was a gifted speaker. People from other halls would come over when I had talks (this period in my life was from 8-12). I sang the kingdom songs with gusto, and I wanted to believe that this was the truth, that God had ordained me as a protector of the weak, the lost. I wanted to help people to come to God, as well as help them keep self-respect.
The reason for my dersion then, and 'Apostasy' now, is my knowledge of the real people behind the automotons we see in the hall. I saw into the home lives of many an adult; I was the type of child to hop out of bed when I slept over my friend's and make myself and the father, mother, etc. a cup of tea and talk. I gathered personal information from from the elder's wives, elders, grandparents. They freely told me their doubts, fears, and showed REAL EMOTION, not that Kingdom Hall Emotion that we were so familiar with. I saw these people, and I loved them.
I wanted them to talk, because I knew that they had to be desperate to speak their minds if they were doing it to a twelve year old.
Elder's wives gave me the lowdown on the congregation. I always had a 'theocratic strategy' to cover over my motive----getting information to arm myself against the tactics of the elders. A child knows what the BOE is about...adults conveniently forget it.
The older I got, the more corruption I saw. Two years after baptism, I tried to make a break with the whole mess....by sinning. I broke one of the ten commandments, and it didn't have to do with sex, apostasy, or loose conduct. You just guess what that leaves.
The Judicial Committee brought me in, but I didn't flinch. I was only fourteen, but these guys didn't scare me. I knew that their wives were disappointed in their lack of love, or in the way they treated their children, or some other vice. They were men, just like me.
They read me scriptures and politely counseled me. One elder asked me when I was baptised. I told them the date. A look of relief washed over their faces. They read me a few scriptures and asked me if I wanted to still be a witness. Kind of flippantly I said, "Sure, why not." I flashed them my famous goofy smile. They didn't smile back.
They asked me to leave the room. I left with my father, and I shot the breeze with him for a few minutes until they brought me back in.
"Ashi, the BOE has come to the decision that you will have a silent reproof."
Ok.
"Do you have anything to say?"
Not that I know of.
"Nothing at all?"
I think everything's been said that needs to be said.
"Ok. Just so you know, you won't have any privilidges for a while, not holding the mikes, going out in service, etc."
(I was thinking....WHAT JOY.....but I kept my face stern.)
That was it.
Could this be, I thought as I was walking out. Could remembering my baptism date be so important? Was this their criteria for keeping me 'in'? Warning bells went off saying, "Get out, say something horrible, get yourself Disfellowshipped, and you'll be free!!"
I didn't.
The years went by, and I became a semi-good dub while keeping my contrary views, apostate, yet not apostate. When I would say something to make someone's blood boil, another person would say, "Oh, that's just ashi." I got away with murder.
The next few years were ok, a lot of growing up and making a mark. I had severe depression, was badly abused by my father, and began writing poetry. I was so lonely for some compassion, but never seemed to get it. Pretty much a normal high school youth.
The real drama started after high school. Many, many dramas unfolded during that time.
Those are the real reasons for my apostasy. I could have become one for the reasons the elder's wives gave me with their gossiping. They helped me to realize that in this 'God's organization', that everyone was wicked, everyone degenerate, and many, many were criminals that never made it to the dock. Yet I stayed. People even gossipped about me, saying horrible untruths. This was not enough for me to leave.
It wasn't until I fell in love that I grew the horns. It wasn't until my family was threatened that I took action. Then I became the nightmare everyone expected me to be. Armed with scandalous knowledge of people covering several congregations, I went to work.
They threated so many things I NEEDED, and had planned for. My soon-to-be wife enlightened me on the most important thing-you are disposable at any time.
The real reason for my apostasy in the next installment-
Part 2-The Marriage of Ashitaka