My Story: Part 4 – “The Pursuit of Happiness”
Part 1: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/163998/1.ashx
Part 2: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/164136/1.ashx
Part 3: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/164163/1.ashx
After my “training” by this elder was brought to an abrupt end around mid-1994 my interest in spiritual activities began to dwindle. I was 18 years old and in my second year of college. At this time, college and higher education were not frowned upon as they are now.
I took an engineering job which combined with my new schedule of going to college one day a week kept me pretty busy. It was a very lonely life and weekends were spent at home. Things pretty much stayed this way until the following year.
Being friendless for so many years severely affected my outlook on life, social skills and interaction with people, at college, at work and in the congregation.
At college, I was mindful of the scriptural phrase beaten to death “bad association spoils useful habits” – but what do you do when you have no association to cultivate good habits. What do you do when you’re ignored in the Kingdom Hall yet told to stay away from the world?
During my lunch breaks at college and at work I would keep to myself. I would whittle away the time at college in the library or wander aimlessly around the town center as the college was situated very close. I did play soccer with my classmates and this made me feel that I wasn’t such a bad and unwelcoming chap as many had made me out to be.
I did a lot of serious thinking in the first few months of 1995. Everyone else my age was already baptized except me. I didn’t feel I could ever improve much as a person and I felt the time had come to make a commitment – but to who? Was my commitment made to God because I had come of age? Or had I made a commitment to the organization?
The decision was made early that year. I met with three elders who went through about 30 questions each with me.
One particular question which was not found in the old green book was asked by one overly righteous elder: “If the entire congregation decided to stop following Jehovah, what would you do?”
I was gob smacked by this question. What was I to say? I gave him the answer to the truly appalling scenario he had painted in my mind. “Of course I would keep serving Jehovah,” I said, secretly wondering why everyone in my hall would turn their back on Jehovah.
I will never forget my baptism day. I cannot give the date here but it was the Spring of 1995. We were driving to Haysbridge assembly hall and suddenly the car died. Would you believe it? Surely this must be an attack by Satan to stop me getting baptized? Luckily for me, a brother who saw our car brak down stopped and offered to take me and my mother and my sister to the hall while my brother and father stayed with the car. They were unable to attend that day but I was glad my mother got to see me baptized.
Six members of my congregation, including me, were baptized that day. I was so nervous when I stood up to give my allegiance to the empire; I mean to verbally agree to be part of Jehovah’s spirit-directed organization.
The elder who had stopped studying with me and had actually been ignoring me for some time asked if I wanted to stop by his house that evening – there was going to be a baptism party and many of those baptized were invited. I gratefully accepted and enjoyed the evening.
I couldn’t help thinking that now I was officially a part of Jehovah’s organization; the organization had never been farther away from me than now. I still had no friends and still spent every weekend alone. I was part of something that was not part of me.
I was never one of those who wore the Society on my sleeve, ready to make a defense of the good news. This was mostly in part to the terrible bullying I suffered at school and not having any association. I had suffered enough I reasoned, why suffer more? At college, I told no one I was a witness and fortunately for me, no one discovered my “secret.”
The birthday issue raised its ugly head every so often at work. I hadn’t told anyone I was a witness there either. I was too ashamed of my religion and its quirkiness and knew I would be bullied and/or shunned for my faith. Shortly after my baptism, Satan tempted me in the form of a birthday cake. I usually tried not to be around when these events occurred, but this time the delicious looking (and tasty) pastry was thrust into my face. I accepted the forbidden pastry and quickly and discreetly disposed of it down the toilet, thinking that I had disowned the faith. So much for my conviction as a Jehovah’s Witness – I couldn’t even refuse a birthday cake, but such refusal followed by a long dialog over why this particular cake would offend my God didn’t seem to make much sense at the time.
I graduated from college that year and eventually left my place of employment. It was not for me and I moved onto something else which was equally misery-inducing.
Meanwhile an elder in my hall encouraged me to auxiliary pioneer. I had already decided in my mind there was no way I could do this – I was working full time. Later on I changed my mind and put in my application to auxiliary pioneer beginning in October. My application was approved. This month would be the only month of my witness career where everything seemed to be going my way and for the first time in my life I began to feel happy.
Unexpected “blessings” found there way to me during that month and subsequent months. I was given the “privilege” of microphone duty. Little did I know then that pioneering was simply a badge into the higher echelons of JW society, or to put it into my limited perspective, my new position (though temporary) was a gateway to the social life of my peers who considered me to be beneath them. I was invited to parties, video evenings and other activities. Remember, with rank comes privilege.
My first attempt at pioneering was very difficult because I worked an early morning shift at my job and then went straight out on field service for a couple of hours. My pioneer partner was an older brother who wasn’t particularly knowledgeable about the truth but found it easy to leave magazines with people. He and his wife were very hospitable to me and often had me round for dinner. The last day of the month I managed to get in my last two hours of service. This involved walking the streets dishing out Panda tracts.
The party ended on November 1st. By that, I mean when I stopped pioneering so did the invites. As quickly as they came, they went. It was back to square one. I tried auxiliary pioneering in December that year (most of the hours were done on a solitary basis) and the following February, but the magic had gone. I sunk into a deep depression which would last for several years.
Later that year, a sister from London moved into my congregation. She was in her thirties and married, but her and her husband were separated, though still on friendly terms. I did not have feelings for her but we became friends. I do believe that platonic friendships can exist between men and womren. She was very sociable and was always organizing parties and dinners at her house, one of them even taking place on Christmas Day. A couple of elders in my hall were furious that this party happened on Xmas Day, but they found out too late. One time this sister organized a group to go out and play pool and have a drink. The only two people who turned up were her and myself. After four pints I was plastered but still managed to ride my bike home that day where I later received counsel from an elder to "stay away from her" because she had "a past." Beer and wine always flowed freely at this sister's house and I soon developed a liking for it, though nothing improper ever happend. I ignored the elder's advice to stay away from this sister and her gatherings because I had no other association. Unfortunatelt due to intense bullying and harassment from an elder, this sister soon left the congregation and the party once again was over.
The following year I left home and moved into my own apartment. It was a great feeling to have complete control over my life and not live in the shadow of my parents. I could be myself. The situation for me in the congregation did not improve and I found myself thinking of leaving – but where else would I go?