Mental and Emotional Thawing

by bigboi 13 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  bigboi

  Sometimes i feel as though I'm in a process of mental thawing. I was a gung ho JW. I stayed celebate for like five yrs straight while I was in it. From some posts i've read around here I think that I was in the minority. For me being a Jw meant giving up a lot of my passions. I love sports and gave up playing organized sports at age 14 to focus on becoming a witness. I am interested in political, social and cultural issues, but I suppressed these intersts for the sake of the kingdom. Besides, it would bring an end to all thses issues anyway. I though I had the answers to all life's problems a thousand yrs into the future, at the age of 14 yrs old. Seeing that here helps me to see how ridiculous that is, but I know I wasn't alone in feeling that way.

  I had a lot of family problems coming up so I was alienated from most of my cousins and what not already. Being a witness just compounded that. Although I couldn't see it, no wouldn't allow myself to see it at the time a lot of the answers to my poblems were in this very world that I had been conditioned to fear, despise and look down upon. When I think of all the things i could've hae done in my younger days I get angry. Life could have been so much more fulfilling. However with a mind and heart firmly embedded in the permafrost that is WTS teaching, I'm surprised that I was able to accomplish what I did given my particular circumstances in life. They included living in poverty, in a three bedroom house w/ my grandmother and seven other cousins, an absent mother(for a while), being an introvert(although I think it may be a weird case of agoraphobia now, maybe I should see a therapist! ). All this while being trapped in a controlling cult always being made to feel more and more guilt for not being able to do more according to their standards.

  All this to say that I feel that my mind and heart are thawing. I can allow myself to feel emotions I haven't felt in yrs. It feels damn good too. I revel in being able to really think and express myself w/o feeling like something is watching me or it may be in violation f a commandment. I love this freedom I now have, and wouldn't trade it for anyhting. As different emotions come to me now I feel pleasantly surprised, like one would be if they found a patch of lillies in the tundra. I like that feeling and I hope I never lose it again.

  Just a rant. Had to get it off my chest.

  ONE.....

  bigboi

  "it ain't what ya do. it's how you do it" quote from the song "True Honeybunz" by Bahamadia
• 

  Billygoat

  bigboi,

  I totally understand! It's been 10 years since I've been out and I'm just NOW beginning to live life without the guilt. Is there still anger over losing my childhood? You bet! I'll never get that back. But I am learning how to do those things now. I'm almost 30 and just now learning how to play softball and volleyball and other stuff that you learn in childhood. But it's great! And my friends think it's funny that I have such an innocent playfulness about me. They love it! They've all said watching me celebrate the Holidays and my birthday is like watching a child - it keeps THEM young!

  We can't change our past, but we can use it to make our present and futures better. Keep your chin up! Thawing is great - and on this board you'll find people that listen and give great feedback. (Therapy is not a bad idea either. I did it off and on for the last 10 years. I'm much happier now for it!) Our backgrounds have taught us to really BE IN LOVE with life and enjoy it to it's fullest. We can use that to teach a thing or two to those around us! JW or not.

  Love,
  Billygoat
• 

  bigboi

  Hey Billygoat:

  Your post made me laugh dude! I'm glad to see you're enoying life now. It never was that bad for me though. I played sports a lil, hung out with other ppls, because I was the only one in my fam that was a jw. So, I wasn't totally out of the recreation scene. My main point was that views I had about the world and ppl around me were so distorted, that I never really enjoyed myself or lived up to my true potential. There always seemed to be an if, and or but. It was mentally exhausting. Like being out in the cold all time, you just get tired from the stress of continually trying to stay warm. It sucked big time, but ya thought you were doing it for God. That was the way to rationalize it. So now I'm stuck tryin to catch up on life, but it's cool I'll do it eventually. Thanks for the encouragement dude. Hope to see you around here more often.

  ONE....

  bigboi

  "it ain't what ya do. it's how you do it" quote from the song "True Honeybunz" by Bahamadia
• 

  LDH

  Bigboi,

  If you have family in, it's even harder. Cause you still have to hide your emotions with them.

  When you want to bonk them on the head and make them wake up, and you can't.

  So it's a fine line, for sure.

  Lisa
• 

  bigboi

  LDH:

  Yeah LDH. I hate that! I didn't really get along with my cousins in that house. I was treated with the cold shoulder all the time. However I know it's different because their not my mother, father or sister. I never shared any special moments with them and we were nevr close. the only similarity I may have with a xjw with fam in is that I felt alone in my experience. I know it has to be extremely difficult for someone with fam in though, cause deep down you know that all this is really for nothing and through no fault of yours.

  ONE....

  bigboi

  "it ain't what ya do. it's how you do it" quote from the song "True Honeybunz" by Bahamadia
• 

  VeniceIT

  I hear ya, and I guess I was in the Minority too (good thing Francios wasn't around )

  I know what you mean though, it's so weird suddenly being a 'wordly person' ahahahah!! I feel so bad for the way I treated the kids at school, not that I was mean just estranged from them. I really missed out on a lot at school with sports, scholorships and friends.

  Right now I'm trying to figure out how to be ME. I always felt growing up that there was a part of me that was just waiting to explode but I dind't know what it was, I was holding back who I really was because I didn't know what else to do. Well now I can let go, but I'm kinda scared after all this time. I've gotten comfortable holding it in, and I'm a ver passionate person about life ad people and I just don't know where to focus it!!! I'm working on it, and people here have really helped me to see who I am and what a I want now. My goals and expectations have totally changed in the past year and that's kinda strange too.

  I'm moving on though and think I'm finally ready to face this wonderful world that we live in!!

  Ven

  "I'm not a Troll I'm NOT!!!'
• 

  Billygoat

  Has anyone seen that movie "Runaway Bride"??? If you have, you'll understand this...

  I'm still trying to figure out how I like my eggs cooked.

  Billygoat
• 

  VeniceIT

  HAHHA I got that one Billy and like Julia roberst I LOVE Eggs Benadict!!!! hahah funny eh!!!

  Ven

  "I'm not a Troll I'm NOT!!!'
• 

  DannyBear

  Bigboi,Billy and Ven,

  Billy your comments on celebrating holiday's, are exactly my experience. Soon after leaving the Evil Empire, my girlfriend and her family made me part of their christmas mornings, birthday's etc. I felt so honored, it almost made them feel uneasy. I would make expressions of appreciation...especially on christmas (I really love this holiday) that actually moved some of the family, to say how much my enjoyment of it all, really enhanced their own. I was like a 35yr old child, just tasting some new found flavor's.

  Iam now 53yrs old...but still get all the same feelings about the holiday season, I first experienced at 35.

  Enjoyed hearing all your comments.

  Ven you are not a troll. It is really fun to watch you spread your wings, you have already licked the stigma of jwdom...you are over the hump..so to speak. Good for you. You got all these single guys around here, standing at attention!

  Danny
• 

  teejay

  Nice post Bigboi,

  You said,

  I was a gung ho JW. I stayed celebate for like five yrs straight while I was in it. From some posts i've read around here I think that I was in the minority.

  That was funny. Five whole years, huh? Wow. I think I had you beat, buddy. So, are you saying that now you're a fornificator? I sure hope not. You can go to hell for that, you know. <g>

  For those of us who grew up in the truth, life would be hard to explain and hard to be believed, especially if you had parents like my mother who took it all seriously. I went to a family reunion (something that I would never do as a JW unless it was to witness) last summer and met plenty of relatives I never knew. In talking to some of them, I learned that when I was a kid they lived right around the corner, but since they were "worldly," my moms didn't want us hanging out with them. So, we didn't. No sports. No birthdays. No extracurricular activities (glee club, student government, band, sports, etc.) at school. And the only friends you had were other JWs -- gotta watch those bad associations -- so if you and your JW friends went to different schools, you spent a lot of time alone.

  It's hard coming out from under all that after living that way for years like I did, but I'm proud that I've been able to make the adjustments I've made. I still haven't celebrated my birthday and I doubt I will. I haven't celebrated Christmas or gone trick or treating, either, but there are so many other of life's simple pleasures that I no longer turn down. I don't refuse a piece of birthday cake if someone is celebrating theirs. That was one of the simple pleasures I'd definitely avoid in the past. Or saying "happy birthday," or "bless you" when people sneezed (I don't know what it means, but I know that people like it so it can't be all bad). So many things like that that we missed out on... things that aren't bad but were made out to be bad and made you fell guilty if you did them.

  You said it well when you said, "being a Jw meant giving up a lot of my passions." To this day I have a hard time being passionate about anything. When you're a Witness, all of who you are is directed towards following the directions of the Society. Field service, meeting preparation and attendance, being careful of non-Witness associations (in my case even blood relatives) and activities, all with a goal of making god happy who was like a super Santa Claus--always checking to see if you were doing your very very best, and if not, why not and could you do a little more. The end was always held over your head, and Armageddon seemed always just around the corner, keeping you from pursuing whatever dream you may have had that took you away from "theocratic goals." It was a heavy weight for a little kid. I doubt that I've ridded myself of it completely or if I ever will fully recover from the religious abuse I took all those years.

  But I'm trying.

  peace,
  todd