THE CURSE OF EXPECTING PERFECTIONISM
We feel annoyed or angry when people don't meet the expectations we put on them. And even when our expectations are met we don't always feel very good about it. We just say: "I expected it anyway." If we would just stop expecting things we could save ourselves a lot of unhappiness!
In the Organization we learnt well how to place blame on others for what was going wrong in our world and in our life. If we were in trouble with an authority such as our boss or the law it was because we were being persecuted ...rarely because we may have done something wrong ourselves.
We also learnt to live the affliction called "perfectionism". We learnt that no matter how hard we tried it was never good enough? We spent so much time trying to get things exactly right in order to avoid criticism? We learnt to live in fear that people will find out that we are not really what we seem to be?
We learnt what is called Other-oriented perfectionism which demands that others meet exaggerated and unrealistic standards. We also learnt Self-oriented perfectionism where we had exceedingly high, self-imposed, unrealistic standards and an intensive self-scrutiny and criticism in
which there is an inability to accept flaw, fault or failure within oneself. Then we learnt Socially prescribed perfectionism, the belief that others maintain unrealistic and exaggerated expectations that are difficult, if not impossible, to meet. But most of all, we learnt that one must meet these standards to win approval and acceptance.
Perfectionism means that the level of achievement or accomplishment is the basis for how we value each other. We learnt to value ourselves on the basis of other people's approval and vice versa. Our self-image became based primarily on external standards which left us vulnerable and sensitive to other people's opinions and criticisms.
Perfectionism cultivated emotions such as a fear of failure (a sign of lack of personal worth), fear of making mistakes (a sign of failure), and the fear of disapproval (a sign of not being accepted by others). In addition, we developed all-or-none-thinking, the idea that if an achievement is not perfect, the person is worthless and easily discarded. An overemphasis on "shoulds" served as a rigid set of rules to live by which overshadowed our own wants and desires,
When we leave the organization we carry these attitudes with us and until we start to really watch what we do and say, we may find that we are still unwilling to take responsibility for our own lives and unlearn those lessons.
Let's suppose that someone says something and you feel you were criticized. You may choose to feel hurt or you may choose to look at that person's comments simply as their perception of you. You can respond defensively (or offensively), or you can choose to see that this person is simply conveying a message. You can think about the message and see what truth there is in it for you and what you can learn from it.
Yet, most times we are quick to respond with anger, and claim that "he/she made me angry". An important thing to realize is that no one can "make you" angry except yourself. Someone could consciously try to make you angry, yet if you do not choose to respond with anger, that person's efforts would be unfulfilled.
The people in our lives, who make us uncomfortable, who annoy us, who we feel judgmental or even aggressive toward, reflect parts of ourselves, the other side of our personality. If you are a gentle, soft-spoken person, you may be very irritated by a person who seems loud and pushy. Or if you are a direct, outspoken person you may feel uncomfortable with those who hold back and seem overly timid. The quiet person is being shown their assertive side, and the aggressive person is being shown their reflective side.
We often find ourselves attracted to our opposites -- people who have developed opposite qualities from the ones we most identify with. We unconsciously seek to become whole, and drawn to people who express those other parts in our own personalities.
The difficulties we have in our relationships usually mirror parts of ourselves that we need to heal. These may involve a family member, a close friend, a coworker, or even people with whom we have only a brief encounter, such as a shop assistant. If you have difficulty with a relationship, or frequently encounter certain kinds of difficult people -- for example, a needy person or a person who doesn't respect your boundaries -- take a moment to look closely at what they are reflecting.
For example: If you find someone too needy, they may be reflecting the part of you that has emotional needs. You may be too identified with strength and self-sufficiency and need to get more in touch with your vulnerability. If you find someone too domineering, perhaps you are overly timid and need to develop more assertiveness. If you judge someone as selfish, it's possible that you are too giving. Remember that you don't need to become like this person. They may be too far to the extreme or expressing themselves in a distorted way.
There are two types of blaming.
1. You assign all of the responsibility for some event to someone or something other than yourself.
2. You not only assign all of the responsibility for something to someone or something else, but you also condemn and criticize the source of the problem. With this second, more intense form of
blaming there is a sense that the other person has intentionally harmed you or has been terribly unfair.
Unrealistic should/must rules and magnification accompany blaming usually.
Rational Self-Talk
The following statements can be used to challenge the tendency to blame whenever you notice yourself doing it.
You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life and for getting your needs met.
You are the only one who really knows what your needs are.
Your desire to satisfy your needs is no more or less important than anyone else's.
When you make others responsible for meeting your needs, you guarantee that they will not be met in a satisfactory way.
Blaming never works as a long-term strategy. Eventually, others will become insensitive to your anger and ignore you, retaliate in either direct or indirect ways, distance themselves emotionally, or end the relationship. In each case, you fail to meet your needs and are ineffective.
Here's a valuable point made by Judge Harold Medina,
"Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself." Finally, be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours.
JanG
CAIC Website: http://caic.org.au/zjws.htm
Personal Webpage: http://uq.net.au/~zzjgroen/