Symptoms Of Unhealthy Authority and Dependance Based Relationships
Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good
Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, principals, supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc.
Dependents can be children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power
imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or emotional.
1. AF's are the masters of dependents.
2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong.
3. Dependents are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and
unhappiness)
4. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to
always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
5. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this
control is not absolute, the AF' feels threatened.
6. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.
7. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction
and esteem.
8. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent as much as possible:
The freedom to perceive
To think and interpret
To feel
To want, need, and chose
9. The AF never admits mistakes; never apologizes.
10. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives and none of this is openly talked
about. No "back talk" is allowed
Some of the Consequences
Mistakes are concealed
People are under constant stress
Needs are frustrated, denied
Fear dominates
Power is based on fear, not respect
Information is withheld and distorted
Information flow is primarily from top down
Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."
All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency
and self-destruction are typical outcomes.
Deciding who to spend time with
The inspiration for this list came from a woman who described in detail a man she married. Soon after, he disappeared-- with
a lot of her money. She later found out he was an alcoholic, had lied to her extensively, etc. See also signs of low-eq
Note how much the person:
labels
uses sarcasm
interrupts you
invalidates you
changes the subject to himself or herself
talks about other people, other relationships, former partners
blames other people vs. accepts responsibility
uses flattery, BS, guilt, "shoulds";
boasts; engagse in name-dropping
How evasive is this person; how many secrets does s/he have; how many subjects are off limits?
How often do they say something like "I don't want to get into that, " or "Let's not go there" (refering to a sensitive subject)?
How often does this person ask too many questions, as if gathering information, without giving you corresponding answers?
How often are they inconsistent?
How do they spend their time and money?
How much do they spend on distractions and mood band-aids like TV, movies, fiction books, cigarettes, aclcohol, etc.?
How much do they spend on external appearance management, like cosmetics, make-up, hair products, clothes, jewelry?
How much do they still concern themself with their parents's and siblings' approval?
How much work do they do on improving themselves?
How open minded are they?
How defensive, rigid?
What kind of problem-solving methods do they use?
What kind of coping skills?
What do they say when you ask them why they believe they are lovable?
How often are you saying "I'm sorry", feeling guilty, asking what's wrong; trying to read his/her mind; wondering what you did
wrong?
How much do you feel dependent on him/her; how much do you believe you can't leave the relationship
People and Cars- Warning Signs
In my experience, a person's driving and how they relate to cars is a good indicator of his (or her) true personality. Below are
some warning signs of an unhappy person with a lot of unmet emotional needs. I know this because I have done most of them
myself!
Someone who:
Labels people; calls other drivers idiots, morons, etc.
Criticizes other drivers
Swears
Thinks he is a better driver than others
Doesn't look ahead to see if the light is red before speeding up to pass someone
Tailgates
Weaves in and out of traffic
Gets so close to the back of a truck that you can read the expiration on the license plate, even at high speeds
Indicates his car is more important than your feelings
Will hurt you physically or psychologically if you hurt his car
Spends more time talking about the traffic and how others drive than talking to you
Spends more time working on his car than on himself
Drinks, smokes and throws the bottles & wrappers out the window
Courts danger
Seems not to value either your or his life
Tries to teach other people a lesson as he drives, especially if they anger him
Gets out of his car & shouts at other drivers (or worse)
Needs to be first
Points out all your driving flaws
Honks at anything he doesn't like
Shows off while driving
Gets angry at himself if he gets lost or misses a turn
Leaves late, then drives dangerously fast
Speeds up at yellow lights
Uses the car to scare you
Uses the car to communicate indirectly with you or others
Slams on the brakes in anger
Slams car doors
Hits or kicks the car in anger
Says he "hates" a lot of things while driving
Deliberately refuses to let people in front of him
Cognitive Distortions
This section is largely from taken a book called "Feeling Good," which is based on cognitive therapy by David Burns. I first read his book in 1994. Since then I decided he took the concept of cognitive therapy too far. By this I mean he undervalues feelings and encourages us to think all negative feelings away without getting the value from them which I believe they contain. Some people I have known who were ardent students of cognitive therapy are overly detached in their treatment of negative feelings, and they strike me as robotic, inhuman, invalidating and lacking of compassion.
Emotions have the ability to distort our vision of reality. Hence the following common expressions:
He sees the world through rose colored glasses.
He was blinded by his rage.
She always expects the worst.
At such times we are making what have been called þcognitive distortionsþ since our thoughts, or our cognitions, are being
clouded by our feelings. When this happens we are thrown off balance from reality. Consider these examples:
Emotional reasoning. This is when we allow our emotions to lead us to faulty conclusions. An example of this
is someone who believes that because he feels like a failure, he is a failure.
Emotional imprisonment. This is where we become a prisoner to our feelings. We feel trapped or we feel
locked into a certain course of action, even when our better judgment and all the evidence is against it.
Mental coloring or filtering. We may either see everything in an overly positive or overly negative light. We
may for example, see any sign of trouble as "a disaster." Or we might allow our emotions to trick us into
converting a positive into a negative. An example of this would be someone who feels so bad about herself that
she thinks people who compliment her are lying out of pity.
Over-generalization. This is where we mistakenly think that because something happened before, it "always"
happens. This is similar to black and white thinking. High EQ people refrain from making themselves feel worse
by their distorted "self-talk." Some examples of over generalizing negative self-talk are:
I always screw up.
I am always forgetting things. .
I always get lost. .
I will never be happy.
My partner is always late.
Awareness of these common distortions may help remind us to try to remain realistic, to try to see in a more positive or at
least neutral perspective, as opposed to seeing things based on largely negative perceptions, which often are actually
distortions resulting from many years of negative social influences influences in our families or society.
"Man is not troubled by events, but what man tells himself about those events." (Aristotle or someone)
Cognitive distortions list from Feeling Good, by David Burns
Ten Common Cognitive Distortions:
1. All or nothing thinking. Black or white.
2. Overgeneralization. Always/never...
3. Mental Filter. Dwell on negative aspect. Filters out the positive
4. Disqualify the positive. Changing + into -
5. Jump to conclusions: a)mind reading b)fortune telling
6. Magnification/minimization (Catastrophizing)
7. Emotional reasoning. I feel like x therefore I am x.
8. Should statements.
9. Labeling.
10. Personalization.
JanG