Abuse
Definition
Abuse is defined in the dictionary as "an evil or corrupt practice; deceit, betrayal, molestation, violation" and comes in many
forms, eg sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, abuse of power, bullying, harassment, stalking, rape, torture, etc. All
abuse is violent, be it physical, emotional, psychological, or a combination. I define < seven types of abuse below. The
common denominator of all abuse is the collection of behaviours called bullying
Anxiety
The abuser is an individual who lives in a state of unusually high anxiety and who has not learnt to deal with that anxiety in the way normal people have. The abuser is insecure, immature, and inadequate, especially in the areas of interpersonal and
behavioural skills. If the abuse is of a sexual nature, the abuser is usually sexually inadequate.
The high anxiety seems to be the result of an inability to relate to other people combined with the fear of exposure of that
person's inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity. This leads the abuser to want to control and dominate others, having never
learnt how to interact with others in normal ways. Often, the abuser is psychopathic (physically violent) or sociopathic
(psychologically violent) and despite being fearful of exposure, doesn't show the normal activation of the fight or flight
mechanism.
Upbringing
Abusers are usually brought up in a dysfunctional family. The more abusive the adult, the more dysfunctional the family.
Often, the father, if present, is violent and abusive. Perhaps the mother is co-dependent, a successful survival strategy when
living with a violent partner; however, co-dependency also perpetuates the violence as it avoids dealing with the issue.
Usually one or both parents are sociopathic or psychopathic. Occasionally, the child is over-protected, usually by the mother,
and thus never allowed to develop as an individual human being. Sometimes, the child is ignored in favour of a sibling.
Before blaming the parents, the reason parents are dysfunctional is because they were brought up in dysfunctional families.
The more dysfunctional the parent, the more dysfunctional were their parents ... and so on. Most people are never taught
parenting skills. The sole teachers of parenting skills are thus ... our parents. It's not that we actively teach our kids to parent - kids learn by example. We grow up and repeat what they did to us. If all you have ever known is abuse, that is the only way you know how to behave. Human beings do not automatically know what is right and what is wrong; we have to learn it.
The child lives in a dysfunctional environment where abuse, violence or neglect are the norm; as the subject of abuse, the
child cannot predict the behaviour of the responsible adults, and therefore has no control. The child learns, usually from an
early age, that using bullying behaviours brings relief from anxiety. With so few people able to recognise bullying for what it is,
and with strategies of denial, distraction and feigning victimhood perfected by about the age of five, the child has found a
successful strategy for reducing anxiety, and thus surviving. Controlling other children through violent behaviour means brings
a sense of power (control) to the child; he can't predict or control his parents but he can control other (smaller or less
physically strong) children. His targets also become useful objects onto which he can freely displace his own aggression.
Abuse
I identify seven types of abuse:
1. Physical abuse, including assault and any deliberate act resulting in physical injuries, including beatings in the
guise of corporal punishment but which are delivered with fists or to the child's head. The work of Lewis and
Pincus in the States is relevant here - in many violent criminals, especially serial killers, they've found evidence of
brain damage during childhood from parental beatings and accidents which have resulted in a smaller than
normal cortex, with consequent lack of ability to control violent tendencies.
2. Sexual abuse, including incest, rape, buggery or any paedophile activity for the gratification of the abuser.
The abuser usually has a sexually dysfunctional or unsatisfying relationship with their partner; sexual relations
may be violent or inadequate or non-existent, and the child becomes a convenient substitute.
3. Tactile abuse, where there is little or no physical contact between parent(s) and the young child, and any
contact tends to be violent, punitive, unjust and inappropriate. Physical contact seems to be especially important
in the first five or six years. Some children enjoy a cuddle into their teens. Sadly, with abuse coming into the
open, many parents (especially fathers) now fear that physical contact with children may be regarded and
misconstrued as abuse (Note: with malicious accusation, it is invariably the accuser who is guilty of the abuse -
see projection on the serial bully page). For further information on the importance of touch, see the work of the
Touch Research Institute.
4. Existence abuse where the existence and rights of the child are ignored
neglect of needs:
physical (food, clothing, shelter)
intellectual (education)
psychological (self-development, self-confidence, self-esteem, maturity)
behavioural (company, friendship, interpersonal and communication skills, relationships)
ignoring the child's existence
rejection as an only child
ignoring one child and loving all others (rejection)
ignoring the child as a separate human being and using the child as an extension of one's own existence
(as in MSBP, Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy - almost killing the child then rescuing them in a dramatic
attention-seeking manner by arriving at hospital casualty at the last minute, then revelling in the adulation
of the concerned mother who nearly lost her child)
abandonment
5. Religious abuse or cult abuse
The child is forced to accept the narrow, exclusive religious views of the parent or guardian to the
exclusion of any other belief or possibility of any belief
Any behaviour by the child not in line with the parents' rigid religious zeal is met with punishment and
abuse
The child is starved of development in interpersonal skills and relationships in the name of religion
The child is subjected to strange, unnatural and often perverse beliefs on sexual matters and sexual
development in line with the religious belief
The child is discouraged or prevented from associating with any person not sharing the religious belief of
the parent or guardian
6. Emotional abuse, including
refusal or unwillingness or inability to express love
deliberate withholding of love
conditional love (eg "I don't love you when you behave like that")
loving one child to the exclusion of all others
cocooning and smothering, denying the child the opportunity to develop as a separate individual
being forced into any conflict between parents
being used as a pawn by warring parents
being forced into a caring or caretaker role at an inappropriate age
witnessing alcohol or substance abuse, especially on a regular basis, perhaps being forced to participate
witnessing violence between parents or adults
7. Psychological abuse, including
constant criticism of a trivial and unjustified nature
unjustified blame, often for things which have no connection with the child (scapegoating)
refusal to value
refusal to acknowledge the child and their achievements
refusal to praise
inconsistency in judgement
unclear, shifting and inconsistent boundaries, sometimes no boundaries, at other times very tight
boundaries
refusal to make eye contact with the child over a long period
refusal of parents to agree with or support each other when dealing with children
unpredictable behaviour on the part of the parents
Violent adults tend to be those whose childhood was characterised by experiencing the above behaviours on a regular basis,
combined with lack of affection and lack of expressed love. The three influencers of stress, namely control, prediction and
expectation are pivotal (see section on stress response on the health page). Where a child is brought up under these constant conditions, those areas of the brain which deal with interpersonal, behavioural and social skills simply fail to develop normally.
In many cases of violent offenders (eg serial killers), their brain's frontal lobes - which modify and mitigate violent urges - are
measurably smaller than in normal people. See the work of Dorothy Otnow Lewis and Jonathan Pincus for further insight into
violent adult behaviour and its origins in childhood.
A child who is subjected to regular abuse, even if entirely non-physical, needs an outlet for their consequent aggression;
frequently they will act out their violent impulses on another child at school (bullying), or sibling, or family pet. Being violent
towards others because they are violent towards you combined with the fact that you are unable to deal with other people's
violence is called displacement aggression. Violence towards animals (eg torturing the cat or killing the dog) is now
recognised as a common early warning sign of forthcoming violence in adulthood.
We're all guilty of some of these things (especially the emotional and psychological abuse) some of the time, either unwittingly
or when we are stressed. However, children are resilient and if you avoid physically punitive responses (eg use restraint and
the promise of a bonus or reward for good behaviour rather than punishment for bad behaviour), educate them in how to
show dignity and respect, teach them the skills of assertiveness (which include psychological self-defence), talk to them and
assure them of your love regularly, they're likely to grow up to be normal, well-adjusted and intelligent people - who will then
pass on these benefits to their children. I recommend Michele Elliott's book 501 ways to be a good parent (Hodder &
Stoughton, 1996, ISBN 0-340-64903-8).
For dealing with verbal abuse I recommend The verbally abusive relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond,
Patricia Evans, Adams, ISBN 1-55850-582-2.
JanG