Why JWs have a hard time leaving the organization

by Elsewhere 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  Elsewhere

  The other day I saw a post by a therapist asking why JWs have such a hard time leaving the organization. I searched but could not find the thread.

  I wanted to answer, but I could not think of a good answer.

  I left my computer an thought about it for awhile. Then this morning it stuck me... people identify themselves with the religion. They *are* the religion; maybe because it is supposed to be "a way of life".

  If a JW attacks or speaks ill of the religion, they feel like they are attacking themselves. If someone else attacks the religion, they take it personally. They can't separate their being from the religion.

  I think that a good first step would be to guide the person try to think of the religion as something separate from himself. Make it OK for them to criticize the religion and point out things they don't like. Make it OK for someone else to criticize the religion and point out thinks that are wrong.

  I remember when I was a JW and would get in theological debates, [ahem], discussions with people, I was not driven by the pursuit of truth, I wanted to *win* because if my opponent won, it would mean that I was a fool for basing my entire life and existence on an error. I couldn't handle that. I HAD to win the debate, so I never stopped badgering my opponent until he finally gave up out of exhaustion.

  Any thoughts?
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  rocky220

  2 reasons.......1-It's easier for some people to give other people power over them to tell them what to do and.....2-Those who have been in it for 30-50+ yrs [like my mom] would just feel lost if they found themselves out. rocky220
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  freedom96

  I think you do find that many witnesses identify themselves first and foremost as exactly that: Witnesses.

  Part of that might be that everything they do, and don't do, revolves around being a witness. Their day to day life routine is constantly a reminder of what they should or should not be doing.

  I think people fall into a similar trap when they are wrapped up in their jobs. You ask someone what they do, and they automatically think of career, and tell you what they do for a living. They don't say "I am a dad" or "I am a husband" or even, "I like to play golf, tennis, sail" or whatever. What they DO is their job, to them. That is what identifies them. Sad, really.

  Like I mentioned above, the witnesses are so wrapped up in the activity of "being a witness" instead of everyday life, that easily becomes who and what they are.

  When I look back at my childhood memories, 95% without exaggerating, is memories of something to do with witness activity. Maybe it was playing with other witnesses at the hall before and after the meeting when I was really young. Going out in service, meetings, studies, witness gatherings. Getting ready for service or meetings. For God's sake, even after the Watchtower study, I would hang out with my parents and go shopping or whatever, and I would be stuck in meeting clothes until late afternoon or evening.

  Being a witness, IS a lifestyle. It has to be..... they demand that of you. So when the faith is attacked or questioned, it is their LIFE that is being questioned, and that will get to the heart of anyone, and defense mechanisms will come into play, time after time.

  It is human nature.
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  ThiChi

  I agree with Ray Franz and Dr. Peck, author of the Road Less Traveled, that we are all at different stages in our spirituality. Jws types believe that an institution will protect them. They have God all wrapped up in a box and with fellow believers, they can handle anything that comes along. Build the belief system with family and friends and you become connected in a way that is emotionally binding.

  However, when you can:

  1. Start asking questions because you are dissatisfied with what you are hearing because "it does not sound right,"

  2. You come to the realization that it is not "us against them" mentality, you start to open up to other ideas and people.

  3. You are not afraid to stand alone, when necessary,

  4. You realize that you need to grow, without anyones approval, if you wish;

  you have reached a higher stage in your spirituality and see the JW/ institutional level as not necessary.

  Edited by - thichi on 17 December 2002 12:4:8
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  kelsey007

  I believe that any religion or person for that matter that feels that they are "the" representative of god on earth is on dangerous ground. The WT promotes this thought. They, on the surface have a very attractive doctrine. It seemingly answers so many of life's questions and identifies many of the "whys" that other religions seem to not have an answer for or just plain avoid. The WT teachings put a lot of things into an arena that man can understand. On the surface anyway. Paradise on earth- what sane person would not want to see peace on earth- death and illness done away with? With a more down to earth doctrine- one that we can relate too- it was so easy and yes comforting to accept things from this perspective. A lot easier from our standpoint to see life here than some pie in the sky heavenly bliss that is so hard to imagine.

  We thougt little, at the time, what hours of meetings, field service and and bible study was doing to us socially and secularly. "The end is near!" mindset and the constant dogma removed us from society as effectively as it could be done. The thought of leaving this was scary indeed. What a void we all ended up with. Constant association with many that though we may not have really liked some of these people- well they were our family. We all have cousins, uncles and aunts that we love but do not really like. That is the way we accepted the WT program- and programming is the key word here.

  We were pumped constantly about the woes of the world, the evils of false religion (all others but JWs) the evils of money, politics and so forth- now to think that we can veiw all these things in a dif light is trauma in itself. Are you sure you want to take that leap and end up outside in the world, alone without Jehovah? Those kind of comments kept us timid for a long time and I believe that mindset keeps us looking for validation now that we are free.

  Edited by - kelsey007 on 17 December 2002 12:13:47
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  Elsewhere

  I vividly remember my teachers and counselors in school asking me what was bothering me. They could tell something was wrong.

  I would *always* tell them that everything was OK... I did this because I was *TERRIFIED* that what I said would get back to my parents or the elders. I would sit there imagining being called into a Judicial Committee or being DFed for saying something that got back to them.

  I would worry, what if the councilor is a JW and I just don't know it, what if they know a JW and just happen to mention something about "a JW student". All the JW would have to do is find out which JW students where in that particular school and through the process of elimination figure out it was me: Busted.

  When I went to my first therapist it took me awhile to even mention JWs... not to mention the fact that I didn't agree with them. What if the receptionist was a JW? What if the clerk who filed the papers was a JW? All it would take is for this unknown JW to turn me in, and all hell would break loose.

  Utterly Terrified. That is how I felt... that is why I would not talk.

  The therapist/counselor would tell me that what ever I said would be confidential. I didn't believe them... I've seen examples in the news and on TV where something that someone said to a therapist was leaked causing all hell the break loose. I knew that there is no such thing as true confidentiality. There was always that remote possibility that something I said would be leaked and would get back to the elders.

  Edited by - Elsewhere on 17 December 2002 12:24:38
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  happyout

  I think there are several reasons why people have a hard time leaving. For me, it was the knowledge that I was going to hurt my family who were still in. It took me approximately 4 years of knowing I was going to leave to finally work up the courage to start the slow fade. And it's not just family, I lost all my friends in the borg. These were lifelong "friends", and since I had been discouraged from associating with anyone in the "world", I did not have a strong support system when I left. And, there were years of wondering, "what if I'm wrong, and they're right?" When you have had it pounded into your brain for decades that this religion is the only way to salvation and God's love, it is terrifying to leave. And when the carefully veiled threats have been repeated over and over, it takes a special kind of strength to free yourself. And again, don't forget that you are inundated DAILY (daily text, witness family members, prayers before every meal) with the same teachings, and discouraged from looking outside, because that means you don't love GOD. It's actually amazing that people ever leave, especially those raised in the group.
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  Room 215

  Happyout hits the nail on the head. The Watchtower bullies hold a dissenter's family and friends hostage. Also, so many of these long-time JWs have been waiting at the staion for the train to come in so long that they're reluctant to call a cab or start to walk home; ``I''ve waited so long, and I know he moment I take a cab, the train will pull in; so what's another half four or so?''
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  Dogpatch

  I think people stay in the organization for a lot of reasons, even after knowing some things are terribly wrong, but "security" is about the most important reason that kind of binds them all. We are looking for a place in the sun, and (at least for those of us who converted to JWs) we were very excited to find out that there REALLY WAS a true religion that brought life to the meaning of God and the universe, and even though the price was high, we would do anything to get it. At least for me, I had the NEED to BELIEVE. It brought meaning and direction to life.

  I'll never forget how a study of the Bible at Bethel cured me of all that. Many of us in 1979-1980 were reading Romans and Galatians and came to see the beauty of the message, when compared to the JWs or any other man-powered religion. We found that we could even be alone in the universe, miles from any organizations, and have a relationship with God and Christ. Communion and prayer took the place of counting time and other useless activities.

  Leaving can be especially tough if we have nothing better to replace it with. There are some of us who have gone back to the Bible. Some have taken other religious paths. Some, although choosing no longer to believe in God or who choose to "shelf" the concept while they get a grip on their life, pursue a new direction in life with work, family or travel, or even hobbies. We need something to work for and believe in, even if we don't have all the answers. For those of us who leave and find ourselves with "too much time" on our hands, life can be scary, we can end up hurting ourselves or others by falling victim to those who want to tell us how life really is. Not a few former Witnesses have made wrong choices and suffer because of it. Life can be pretty tough.

  One of the best things we can do is spend time alone. Talk to God, or just talk to yourself. If the concept of God is too much, ask if he don't mind you taking some time off from "answer searching," just in order to heal. If we talk, we better understand our own feelings. The more we talk to ourselves about the big issues of our life, the more we can be strengthened to motivate ourselves to change for the better. If we can talk to ourselves, it is easier to talk to others about things as well. Painful issues can be talked out so they are not such a trigger to scare us the same in the future. Don't forget laughter as well, for it indicates that we finally do not take ourselves too serious after all. If you learn to laugh, you will have friends, and friends will bring you joy and hopefully, more friends. Good friends, friends for life.

  These steps bring healing.

  I would like to remind those who are interested and who are former cult members, that we are having a healing workshop with Steven Hassan in March in Los Angeles, in order to learn these very things. Check it out, you will not be disappointed!

  http://www.freeminds.org/exitissues.htm

  Many cannot afford the class, but we do have each other to be helpers, and we have chat rooms and gatherings. There are good churches out there, too, for those who prefer the love and fellowship of a group. Ask other former Witnesses how they cope. Try going to a church with them just for the fun of it. You don't have to commit to anything! For those stuck at home on your computer, try some of the files at:

  http://www.freeminds.org/psych/psych.htm

  read stories about others:

  http://www.freeminds.org/stories/stories.htm

  or laugh with the Armageddon Okies!

  http://www.freeminds.org/buss/okies.htm

  Wishing those of you who are a little lost on the road of life the best, and I am here if you would like some helpful road signs.

  yours,

  Randy Watters

  http://www.freeminds.org
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  kelsey007

  Dogpatch great comments. I remember really reading Job one time. Reading it ouside of WT direction- if you know what I mean. I ran across the passage that said that Job accused Jehovah of doing wrong. For some reason at that moment the passage hit me hard square between the eyes. Especialy given Jah's respnse to Job- how he dealt with the accusation. As a servant in a dispute with the "body" over some issues I raised about procedures I had been bashed hard for having questioned anything about the WT. I sat down at that moment and wrote to the body a letter quoting the passage in Job and stated that I would have been better off having questioned god's procedure than the WT's procedure- needless to say I received no response except a letter stating that I had been removed as a servant and subsequently df'd- BTW they had contacted me while I was out of town- I was actually on one of the volunteer missions in Bethal NY- they demaded a meeting that was impossible for me to attend- since I was in NY and they were in FL "DAH"- they accused me of refusing to meet and df'd me in abstensia- What a trip. I had driven to NY and when all this came about (BTW they had of course approve and reccomended me for the Bethal trip) I packed my bags and left Bethal in the middle of the night. Did not even say goodbye! My poor roommate was bewildered I am sure- only to get back to FL and find myself having been df'd by the locals while at world headquarters LOL. Never went to another meeting and I went on a letter writing campaign for a while.

  By the way Randy- I wholeheartedly agree that spending some time alone is a geat thing to do- get to know yourself before deciding what you are going to associate yourself with. In our society I believe that we have way to little time alone with our thoughts to sort things out- too many distractions- TV, computor and a lot of people- hard to turn it all off and take the silent walk in the park alone..... I believe that the need to validate our new status as EX-JW keeps many of us from spending the meditative time alone also.

  So remember- better to blame god for wrongdoing than an elder!

  Edited by - kelsey007 on 17 December 2002 13:37:27

  Edited by - kelsey007 on 17 December 2002 13:40:32