Dub HOWTO Meetings
By SYN ([email protected])
This is the next in the series of quite politically incorrect tutorials/guidance documents/new light artifacts intended for new Dubs, or those seeking to convert to the Dub faith, to use the term faith very loosely. Previous distribution disclaimers apply, especially the ones concerning the placement of small, excitable mammals down the pants of people who dont distribute this document to their devout Jehovahs Witness grandparents.
Introduction
So, youve decided to become a Dub. Were assuming this is your first time as a Dub, which is not always the case, as many people enter and re-enter the Dub Atmosphere many times over the course of their lives, due to factors varying from simple illness to more complicated things, like serial adultery. Some of these people re-enter the Dub Atmosphere so many times in their life that their current status in the Congregation can be determined by examining the phase of the moon. Such ones are normally classified as Spiritually Weak, To Be Avoided By All Spiritually Healthy Friends, And Also A Pretty Darned Good Supply Of Dope When One Really Needs A Fat Joint After Giving Your First Theocratic Ministry School talk.
One very important aspect of Dub Life (notice that all phrases done in BiCaps are used somewhat loosely) is the Meetings. Meetings form the core routine of Dub Life, and in fact, if the Gubning Body could have their senile way, they would form ALL of Dub Life, but sadly one can only endure not taking a monster crap for X amount of time, X varying between Brothers and Brotherettes. You see, even though the Kingdom Hall at times appears to have full toilet facilities, these facilities are never used for anything more than a quick tinkle by any discerning member of the Congregation, for several reasons. The first and primary reason is that, despite the abundant Literature available at any Kingdom Hall to take with you and peruse in detail on the throne, it would be a terrible faux pas in Dubland to spend more than 30 seconds or so in the bathroom, as you are supposed to be feeding at the table of Jehover, not taking a crap. Why there are any actual toilets installed in Kingdom Halls thus becomes somewhat of a mystery, but it is one better solved by teams of enthusiastic 45-year-old single Elderette-wannabes. The second and secondary reason for not taking huge craps at the Kingdom Hall is an obvious one your entire Congregation is parked about 20 meters away from the bathroom, and often considerably closer. Would you want the pungent odour of your excretions pervading the last bit of the Theocratic Ministry School and making everyone in the Second School feel slightly green about the gills? Certainly not!
Getting To The Meeting
Whew! Didnt mean to get sidetracked on that last point, but damn, for far too many years I was prevented from accomplishing truly astonishing feats of rectal prowess by stupid unspoken Dub rules!
Right, now lets have a quick chat about getting to the Meeting. Getting To The Meeting is a critical part of being at a Dub Meeting in fact, some fanatical Dubs have even been heard to say that if you cant get to the Meetings, then theres probably no point in going at all, normally followed by hackling coughs and mutterings about vultures.
Most Brothers and Brotherettes (Brotherettes are deprecated) get to the Meeting using some form of utilitarian transport. In developing countries, where the term Developing is a nice way of saying you go to work in a cabbage field every day, and you consider yourself lucky for it, Brothers and Brotherettes will accompany each other down muddy country roads and wear ridiculous head garments composed of vast swaths of dirty cotton. This is considered normal in Developing Countries. Note that the author lives in a Developing Country where the Brothers have some dignity, and while they still walk to Meetings, they are NOT swathed when doing so, and can actually see where they are going pretty good.
As always, looking Theocratic is important, and the restrictions on ones form of transport are very important. Basically, the more doors, the better. Nuff said.
One often-overlooked part of Dub Life is that there is no such thing as being fashionably late for a Meeting. You are either on time or in trouble, take your pick. Skulking in through the back is considered very bad form, even for powerful Chief Poomba Elders who have gotten all the Elder Powerup Invulnerability Cards from Bethel. If you are late enough times, you will probably be Taken Aside, usually in a glaringly obvious fashion, and get to hear a low-level grunt type of Elder, fresh from his Ministerial Servant days, telling you that you should arrive a little bit earlier to receive all of the spiritual nourishment possible from the Meetings. This will be done in such a way that the entire Congregation, or at least the Elderettes, can hear every word. Notice that if an Elderette hears something, it is effectively the same as it being announced from the platform in most instances.
Now that youve arrived at a reasonably early time, preferably a few minutes after the ultra-fanatic wannabe-Ministerial Servant Brother who opens the Hall, you can begin socializing with your Brothers. Dubs never called Socializing just that its always called Association. You cant help but Associate with loads of fine Brothers, especially if you stand by the door and wear a wondrous, dreamy expression on your face. This particular technique works very well for those trying to become ingratiated quickly into a new Congregation, as the Brothers will go into hardcore Love Bombing mode upon seeing a new arrival, so obviously out of place and sinful, who is actually interested in whats going on at the Hall (this is rare in the extreme). Either that, or at least a few of the older members of the Congregation will assume you are a stoner who just happened to wander in avoiding telling these ones where you live, as you may receive a sympathy call from men in blue uniforms with guns who will insist on taking a quick look at your stash!
After all the Brothers are in the Hall, it is time to divide up into the Cliques. Nobody ever speaks about this that would be a terrible transgression for the happiest people on Earth. Its just sort of automagical, really. You have to find yourself a clique, just not the clique for those people who dont fit in any of the other cliques. Despite all this terribly complicated clique stuff, were confident that youll find your way around the inordinately complex and downright psychotic social maze that is Dub Life.
Once youve divided up into your Clique, you can wait until the first Brother strides onto the stage. The length of his stride is measured in the number of years hes been doing stuff on stage for. Initially, Brothers will have short, almost mincing strides going onto stage, worried stiff about bringing reproach on the name of Jehover by not giving a decent prayer or talk. Later on in life, as they realize that its all a load of terribly brown bull excrement, they will stride on slightly more confidently, inspiring spontaneous sinful thoughts in the minds of Sisterettes.
All Meetings start off with whats colloquially known as a Kingdom Melody. Now, using the phrase Melody to describe the stuff that comes out of the average Halls speaker system would be a disservice to all melodies. You would in fact be insulting even the Kelloggs Cornflakes Tune to call that stuff a Melody. Surprisingly enough, the Melodies are all recorded in a BROWN book, which says a lot about the attitude of the people who printed the book, realizing theyd be forced to listen to these droll melodies possibly into the length of Eternity, not that Eternity has length, but then, after the 7000 th time you hear Were Jehovers Witnesses, making a book a symbolic shade of brown seems like a terribly small sin. All of the Brothers and Brotherettes will now mumble along in autopilot mode to these Melodies, one at a time, occasionally falling out of synchronization. If the Brother assigned to the music has placed the wrong track on the CD player, that doesnt really matter either, as they will just mumble right along. It truly becomes funny when the Melody requires different volumes of mumbling then you get to hear the first ever documented cases of two-tone mumbling since somebody snuck some decent hashish into the Gregorian Chanting recording studios in Ireland.
After the grating two-tone mumbling comes to and end, everybody must put their heads down and look devout, except the little kids, who may continue paging through their colourful Theocratically-approved kids books. Provided this isnt done too noisily, its OK.
The Different Types of Meetings
Now, every Dub will tell you that they have five meetings a week. This is technically a little white lie, as that leaves only two days of the week for ER to be watched in, and as such, due to the statiscal rarity of ER happening to be on a non-meeting night in that instance, the Gubning Body, who know a lot about that fascinating field of medicine called Geriatric Science, have decided to sort of bunch them all up together. Well, thats how Knorr put it, at least. What really happens is that four of the two meetings are all bunched up together, like particularly adventurous wives in a Swingers Club.
Practically two hours long, these Meetings may initially seem to take aeons, but really, this is just a little foretaste of the Eternity you will soon be spending watching vultures pick at your leftovers and mumbling Kingdom Melodies real soon now. Think of it as a handy training session for a life lived in excruciating boredom, with all secular governments replaced by a bunch of Ministerial Servants. All thats happening is that youre being hardened, just like in the military, only here, instead of saying Drop and gimme 20! the Elders will say Drop and gimme 20 magazine placements!
Here is a brief summarizationy thingie of all the different kinds of Meetings:
- Watchtower Study.
- This is the big one, the Grand Poomba of Meetings. Although its technically part of the next Meeting, it stands out as being an excellent source of handy, damning quotes, but only if you listen carefully.
- Public Talk.
- While a member of the public will never be discouraged from attending any meeting, this is the Talk of Talks intended for people who just sort of wander into the Hall. This never happened, not once, during my 15-odd year tenure in Dubland.
- Theocratic Ministry School
- Basically a hilarious public-speaking reality TV show on steroids, this Meeting serves to ensure that every single gangling adolescent boy in the Congregation gets to look incredibly geeky in front of the whole Hall for at least 5 minutes every 6 months or so, or possibly more if the Elders are not pleased with him. Girls are also put through this.
- I am too lazy to remember the other meeting.
- Book Study
- A very accurate name. Opening your Bible during the Book Study is often a punishable offence, as the Bible is just meant to sit there and look authoritative, and not actually be read.
Roughly every hour the exciting prospect of some songs will loom, but that prospect soon becomes somewhat less than exciting when you realize that youre going to have to mumble again. Between all of the mumbling and the other mumbling that comes from the stage, you are supposed to find salvation and rescue yourself from a fate worse than death by budgies. How exactly you do this is unspecified, but we suspect that each person has their personal boredom threshold, which, when reached, results in one of the following:
- Severe Alopecia. (Alopecia is the name for a medical condition that involves the lossage of much hair, often from embarrassing places).
- Loss of Kingdom Songs Book. It would be unnecessary to go into the exact reasons for this little accident.
- Loss of all interest in life, food, sex, baseball, rugby, soccer, cars, pets, religion, Ghod, Gaia, and other miscellaneous deities who do not have all the Powers necessary to be in a Pokemon episode.
- I think that last one above pretty much covered everything.
Going to a Meeting is really a lot like watching an episode of Pokemon. Its simple, really. You sit down, some terrible music plays, you mumble along a bit, then somebody else mumbles about something someone else has most likely mumbled about at length many times before, and then you see some bright lights, and then half the epileptic child population of Japan begins to have a grand mal fit thanks to the colourful explosions. OK, I made that last part up, but the bit about the kids really DID happen!
Conclusion
Now that you know what Dub Meetings are all about, the author gives you his best wishes and sincere gratitude for reading this humble guide. Please note that Dub Meetings may not be for everyone, and in fact, you should probably see a psychologist somewhat urgently if you consider them to be for you. Godspeed!