DF`ing Committees Need a Chaperone.

by Englishman 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  Englishman

  I remember, when I was but a lad, how a young sister of 15 was publicly reproved to the whole congregation for being sexually experienced.

  A couple of years later, the same thing occurred with another young lady, who was forced to sob in front of everyone.

  Even then, with all my J-dub imprinting, I recall feeling outraged at the congregations treatment of these girls. I felt that the way that they had been dealt with was far more intrusive and abusive than anything that they may have experienced in their first sexual forays.

  I recall feeling very deeply that it was very wrong for a female to have to submit herself to the interrogations of 3 middle aged men, whilst she had to be alone in her guilt and misery as she endured their probing.

  In later years, my ex-wife had to go through this experience. OK, she was no shrinking violet, but again I felt most indignant on her behalf.

  Surely, this is not right? Is it not a terrible travesty for a woman to be alone with 3 fellows, and give them lurid sexual details of things that are normally just between 2 people?

  Why is it that, an accused woman is unable to bring another female with her to attend these kangaroo courts? Even the Police woud not dream of ever allowing a woman to be interviewed about anything unless there was another woman present.

  What do you think? Is it not an abuse of human rights for a lady to be treated in such a manner? Shouldn`t an accused lady at least have the right to be accompanied by a female friend when she faces a DF`ing committee?

  Englishman
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  LDH

  Don't get me started. As you may know, I was df'd (for a grand total of 4 months--they knew I was repentant but needed to make an example of me)....

  Anyhow, I was asked all kinds of great questions like, What color is he? (I was pregnant)

  Questions that had nothing to do with the matter at hand, and only served the curiosity of three middle-aged men.

  Good post as usual.
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  OrangeBlossom

  I remember when I was 16 having to go through the humiliation of a kangaroo court hearing. Then again at 20. Neither time was for fornication, just getting a little too familiar with each other. The only thing they wanted to know was if we both were mutually satisfied. If I knew then what I know now...if only I could go back in time. My last experience with the "3 wise men" was a couple of years ago, almost got myself df'd for trying pot. It was a one-time thing, just curious about it, but nearly ended up df'd. Darn!
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  had_enough

  Good comments again englishman.

  I remember having a social evening with a few couples and the elder went into great detail to all of all the personal questions they have to ask a sister, much to the embarassment of his young wife.

  Why the need to know what she was wearing? Where did he put his hands? Were they on the outside of her clothes or underneath? Was she willing and eager? and more that I don't care to elaborate on.

  All I could think of was how humiliating and degrading for any young sister. Little did I realize then, that I would be sitting across from him several years later having him ask me those questions in front of 2 other men. Part of me knew that if I didn't answer I would be considered as unrepentant and rebellious and the other part felt was convinced I'd be disobeying Jehovah for not being humble.

  And to make it even worse, the questioning wasn't with a loving fatherly, shepherding, 'we want to help you' attitude but almost like a sneering 'you're just dirt' way. And that's what I (and I'm sure most everyone having to go through that) felt.

  And on top of that, it didn't seem to matter that I was repentant. Like LDH said they needed to make an example of me. They admitted that too many in the congregation would be asking why I was "not being dealt with" (because I left my husband, who was an elder, as well...it didn't matter what he was like, or had done, or what had caused me to leave).

  So needless to say after a decade, or so, I still carry the scars and it's taking a long time to put it behind me.

  But I realize, this venting is all part of my healing and it just keeps getting better.
  
  Thanks englishman for making the observation that at least a sister should have another sister there for support. Why don't they just leave out all the lurid details anyway? What purpose do they serve..the deed is done isn't it?

  had enough
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  promqueennot

  Oh you poor girls! I am really sorry for your experience! I've heard how horrible those meetings are. I knew of a couple of girls to go through that and I am just so grateful I never had to endure one.

  My brother, on the other hand, had to go through a couple (different experience for a guy). The last one, he knew he wasn't ever going back -- not too repentant and not too respectful of men running the meeting. So rather than them having to ask for details, my brother illicitly and enthusiastically volunteered information regarding his experience and only pausing to ask if they were getting excited. Pretty hysterical, but for sure not nearly close to the experience of a girl having to go through one of those meetings -- especially with those older men! Ewe! And it's no fair to have to endure one of those meetings to be disfellowshiped anyway!

  Good post Englishman!
  Monica
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  RavynX

  How about this one Englishman? I was 'mugged' a few years ago. It would have been more than a mugging if I had not started to laugh hysterically at the feeble attempts of this man and he ran away. I dont know why I laughed at him, but it saved me. I did not tell for about 3 weeks, and before I told the elders I told the cops. I made out a report to a female officer and was treated very kindly. At the Kingdom Hall that night was a different story however... I was made to go into a room smaller than my bathroom with three large men(I was just attacked by a man and I was made to go thru this?) Whereupon these men grilled me for over an hour with questions like 'why where you walking by yourself?'(it was inside a security area in my housing development, around a well-lit lake path at about 8:30PM)'why didn't you scream?'(I was using a cane at the time, I was knocked down and the air was knocked out of me before the man covered my mouth with his right hand...)'did he penetrate you with his penis , if not how far did he get in?' I think you get the drift. Then I was dismissed from the room to wait another hour while they decided whether or not I was guilty of fornication-since I did not scream and actually laughed at the guy.
  The police never caught the man, but I can tell you one thing- if the elders had not decided I was innocent I would have identified any one of them as the culprit.
  RavynX
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  LDH

  Rayvn,

  I'm GLAD you weren't hurt but I just couldn't help but thing you were laughing at the wrong one! That 'meeting' is what's laughable!

  Anyhow, my dad tells me that as of late, Elders are counseled NOT to ask questions such as the ones people like us have endured.

  But I won't wait for the apology for that one either.

  PS. I was also told I *didn't cry hard enough*. YAH, like I wasn't all cried out finding that my fiance was a MARRIED MAN and that I was pregnant. In retrospect, those men didn't deserve to question me. I'd never subject my child to that kangaroo court.
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  LovesDubs

  I know I said this before, but the first JW I ever met in my life picked me up at a disco I was at with a girlfriend...and was my steady night time "date" for weeks, then months before I realized he was screwing or nearly screwing dozens of us. I was studying with his mother, and turned his butt in one day because he was starting in on my best friend. The elders had a field day interviewing dozens of women and dozens of this guys "inner circle" of JWs who were all doing the same types of things. Im 30 years old and undergoing this incredibly detailed interrogation of my sexual encounters by three or was it four? eager, blushing, winded elders. Only one of them apologized later...and he left the Org a few years later. The others were obviously having a very good time. Keeping their clipboards FIRMLY on their laps of course. They couldnt touch me tho as I was not baptized. I gave them a run for their dirty little minds tho. Worldly woman that I was, uninhibited and well...descriptive. :)Leaving no detail untold. I still could pick that brother out in a lineup if all I saw were um...members :)
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  Mommie Dark

  Dark Family web page regarding committees and underage children still exists for those interested in viewing more experiences of young people abused by smutty-minded elders.