I have been searching high and low in my office looking for this Wall Street Article from 4.5 years ago (3/6/02). I found the paper copy in a stack of stuff today as I was cleaning, then was able to keyword search to find the article online....its below....
I was wondering what you thought....especially as related to our collective JW past..... I'll chime in later after you with my thoughts...
SnakesInTheTower (of the "hope none of you will use this on me " Sheep( Class)
PS...the small box was not in the online version of the article but was in the print version:
Breaking It Off
The Fade Out: Keep saying you're too busy, limit contact, eventually drop them.
The Friendship Façade: Answer e-mails now and then; friend thinks relationship is still on, even if it isn't
The Frank Conversation: Just tell them the truth. If all goes well, you can make a clean break.
Making Friends Is Easy.
Getting Rid of Them Isn't
By Jeffrey ZaslowJustin Simons returned from vacation to find his furniture had been rearranged by an "unnaturally intrusive" friend. Rosemary Blieszner got fed up with a pal who saw life as a constant bummer. Peter Goldschmidt had a prankster friend who went to televised wrestling matches and held up signs for the cameras: "P. Goldschmidt = Loser."
As the song says, "You've got a friend." But very often, that's the problem: You've got a friend, and you can't get rid of him.
Awhile back, The Wall Street Journal explored how the frantic focus on work and family was leaving Americans with less time for friendships. But it's worse than that: We struggle to hold on to our closest friends, feeling lucky if we get time for a quick lunch with them or a rushed phone conversation. Yet one reason we have so few moments for these people is that we can't seem to disentangle ourselves from friendships we no longer want.
Research now shows that many people lack the tools for the uncomfortable process of abruptly ending a friendship; studies show only 15% of people say they have been able to do that. They're stymied by gender (women have a harder time with ailing relationships), high education (they may overanalyze issues) or wimpiness (they loathe confrontation). On top of that, tools of the modern age such as e-mail make it even harder to separate from other people.
In some respects, it's easier to end friendships these days. We keep changing jobs, homes and spouses, leaving behind crowds of former co-workers, neighbors and ex-spouses' friends. Most of these people fall naturally out of our lives. But as we amass all of these friends, casual and close, past and present, there's more risk that one will cling to our phone number or e-mail address.
A needy or noodgey person might keep you on his online buddy list. Every time you log on, he'll know it and can send you friendly but cringe-inducing instant messages. He can also track your life and career moves by "Googling" you.
So how do you ditch a problematic friend? Mr. Simons, a theater director in Columbus, Ohio, cut loose his well-meaning but parasitic pal by being brutally direct. "I told him, 'You can't call me. You can't see me.' I had to set a boundary that was final."
Ms. Blieszner, a Virginia Tech professor, employed what researchers call "the fade out." She limited contact with her glum friend. "I drifted away, and it worked," she says.
Meanwhile, Mr. Goldschmidt, an executive for Saks Fifth Avenue, dealt with his friend much more seriously. In 2000, after the friend held up a sign that said "P. Goldschmidt Steals from Saks," Mr. Goldschmidt filed a $10 million libel lawsuit, which remains in litigation.
If possible, winding down a friendship by feigning a busy calendar is preferable to a dramatic confrontation, says sociologist Jan Yager. (It lessens the likelihood of a vendetta.) If the person doesn't get the message, step up the frankness of your hints.
Ms. Yager, author of "When Friendship Hurts," warns against sending a kiss-off e-mail. Your ex-friend might forward it to friends, co-workers, strangers.
Some types of people seem better at dumping friends than others. Ms. Blieszner, a gerontology professor, conducts friendship research with Rebecca G. Adams, a sociologist at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. They've found that women are more apt to obsess about troubles with friends. "Men place less emphasis on friendship, and so friends are easier for them to discard," says Ms. Adams.
There are generational factors, too. Baby boomers married later, so friendships are often more crucial to them. Studies show that older people have lower expectations, and are apt to endure peer problems silently. But younger generations often talk through issues incessantly, which can leave them entangled with people who should be ex-friends.
Meanwhile, workplace friendships can be the messiest, because a jealous or angry former friend can sabotage your career. Many people remain "friends" with back-stabbing co-workers because they fear the alternative. Others see no remedy short of quitting. Researchers say workplace friendships should be entered into cautiously.
Outside the workplace, we often remain in contact with "friends" out of a sense of obligation. Our parents were friends. Or our kids play together. Or, in the case of Simon and Garfunkel, the outside world seems to insist. At the Grammy Awards, the estranged partners harmonized -- "Hello darkness my old friend..." -- with little eye contact. Despite their uncomfortable body language, they stood together, bound by others' expectations.
If you're the one being dumped, try to recognize that this may be for the best, especially if your lives have diverged. Wendy Wolfson, 42, of Somerville, Mass., is single. A few friends have dropped her. "They get married, move to the suburbs, have kids, and I never hear from them again."
But she doesn't let their disappearance rattle her. "I know they secretly love me," she says. The most gracious former friends wish each other well and move on.
Email your comments to [email protected].
(c) Wall Street Journal http://www.careerjournal.com/columnists/movingon/20030307-movingon.html