I guess it was not meant to be

by Dayshdees 27 Replies latest social relationships

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  Dayshdees

  Re: Non Jw and Jw can the relationship last? http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/63523/1.ashx

  I guess I should have listened to all your posts a while back when I asked if a relationship could work between a jw and a non jw, many of you shouted

  run like helll !! , run dont walk !!!

  and I never listened, I read up on issues, scoured these boards for all the information, even accepted the fact the she would never give up on her beliefs. And still I loved her, I still do.

  Despite all that though I never took into account my own family's view on thing's, I thought jw's had it bad in being Disfellowshipped and shunned by their peer's, It's certainly true the saying

  "You can choose your friend's, but not your family"

  The grief I have gotten over the past two week's since we announced our engagement and then imposing marriage, has been unreal by my family alone, they were all fine with our engagement, however upon saying that we may marry the end of the month, then my life has been hell. My family who I respect and love have disowned me, even my close friend's have said my life would be hell if I married a jw and dont want to now me, completley unreal.

  What is it with people, they can see I am happy and in love, but they take it as that I have been brainwashed and I dont no what Im doing, despite many arguments the last few days from my family, I see their fears and accept them but I really don't think I am losing the plot.

  The more they said they would not accept her as a daughter in law, the more I turned to my partner and was certain of doing it just to spite them, thing's however have gotten too much the last few day's, Ive cracked up, Im on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Im not even a jw.

  The big question is do I risk losing all my family(maybe only for a few months) for good and my friend's all for a jw that I love?

  I couldnt face things without the support from my family, I now in the future there will be conflict's between belief's that much I accept now.

  Do I Run, Walk away, forget her, or pray that she can see my side and lose her faith or go ahead and lose my family?
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  missylissy

  i think that that if you really love them, you should do what ever you think is best for them, and yourself.

  but what do i know? im 15. all i can say, is do what ur heart tells you to do. and i wish you the very best of luck

  -missy
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  Sara Annie

  You haven't really said what problem your family has with your fiancee...is it that she is a JW, or is there something elsen going on here? She can't be too much of a hard-line JW if she's marrying outside the 'flock'...

  If it is because she is a witness, is it possible that your family is reacting to your marriage out of fear that you will embrace her religion and they fear they'll lose you to the org? Is it possible they are reacting to the speed at which you've decided to marry?

  As I do now know all the particulars, it's difficult to judge your family one way or the other. I'll just say this: One thing I've learned in my 32 years is that if your family dislikes something you're doing or someone you're involved with, AND (this is important) your family is generally good for you, loving, and non-destructive in nature, they is usually a good reason--and they are usually right.

  I wish you luck in whatever road your life takes.
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  Insomniac

  I'm so sorry they're turning this into a hard time for you. However, assuming you're both adults, who you marry is your business, not your family's. If you give in just to placate them, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of sacrificing your own happiness to them-DON"T DO IT!!!! If you love each other, marry her and let your family come to grips with it. They will, in time, trust me.
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  Nosferatu

  Jesus Christ, you're in one hell of a mess. This is what I'm worried about:

  however upon saying that we may marry the end of the month, then my life has been hell.

  Sounds like the two of you are rushing into it. You've probably heard "When your in love, there should be no shame in displaying it" or some shit like that. But knowing what the JWs are like, you're probably being pushed into it. I just checked your original post, and I'm correct.

  We have got to the moving in together stage, however she know tells me that she wont move in untill I marry her first

  One thing that you've been doing is giving into her and trying to make her happy by sacrificing what you truly want. I've seen so many guys make this mistake (me included) and it leads to nothing but unhappiness. If you let your (future) wife get her own way in the beginning stages of your relationship, you'll find yourself constantly giving into her way. You're spoiling her by giving her what she wants while ignoring what you want. In fact, you're giving up everything that you love: your personal choices, your family, your future, and your freedom of speech all because of an attractive woman who has an addiction to a stupid religion. That's quite a sacrifice to make for a woman who makes you happy. Or does she truly make you happy? Does she respect your decisions? Your opinions? Your dreams?

  I hope you figure out what you truly want. If you can't figure that out, it might be a good idea to just hold off on the wedding until you do figure it out. Don't worry, she'll live if you do this.
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  Sassy

  I thought I had posted in that other thread, but I guess I didn't..

  You are in a tough spot.. really tough..

  Are you willing to give up your family and friends for her is one thing you need to think about? Perhaps though in time 'IF' your relationship proves to be a positive one, they will ease up. but you must recognize if they don't, you risk them..

  Are you willing to see her be treated poorly for marrying "a worldly man" if you do not convert? Because she will be. She will be thought of as disobeying by marrying you. She will get missed out on invites because it is 'uncomfortable' with her married to you. She will be thought of as weak for not marrying ONLY in the lord which in their eyes is ONLY in the Watchtower and Bible Tract Society..

  I am a child who was raised in a home with one parent who was a JW and one who was not. When they got married neither of them were. It was extremely difficult for us, the children, and for my parents relationship. Was there love at the beginning? of course there was.. but after 24 yrs of marriage my father took me aside and told me he was divorcing my mom. Because she was a good person? No.. did he think she was a bad person? no.. He simply came to the conclusion after all those years that they were living two different lives. She was a JW and doing her JW activities and things he enjoyed, she had no time for because the Kingdom came first.. or wasn't approved of. He told me he knew the only way to keep the marriage was to become one and he had given it a lot of thought before coming to the conclusion that he could not. Now my father is so bitter about JWs that they dare not even set foot on his property with their literature.

  If I were you and with all your stresses, even if you want to marry her and go through with it. Don't do it yet. Wait. Give the relationship more time without legal finality or in the end you may end paying to end the marriage.. Its a big decision.. don't rush into it.. if you can build a good foundation before marriage for a long while.. then maybe you have what it takes like the rare few who 'make it' and are happy in what the JWS refer to a "divided household" (note.. they even have a term for disobeying and marrying outside of the faith)
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  amac

  It seems that JWs don't have the market cornered on shunning after all. Despite what anyone says, a family that shuns or cuts off a family member for anything besides serious wrongdoing (murder, molestation, etc) is wrong in my eyes.

  No one on this board can give you the RIGHT answer. All you can do is learn from the experience of others. Marrying a JW as a non-believer is harder than being of the same faith, but it does not mean it cannot be done. It just reduces your chance of success. You should talk about this with your fiancee. Make sure she is OK with you NEVER becoming a JW if you don't want to. And talk about raising children, if you want to and how you will raise them, as JWs or not? You'll need to sort this out with her, if your family cuts you off, it doesn't sound like it is your fault, but theirs. It will be up to you if you would rather appease them or piss them off and hope they come around. Good luck!
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  medstudent

  I don't really have much advice but do want to wish you all the best! I'm a fim believer in love and am sure that if you two marry and everything works out your family will see your happiness and will turn around when they see that you are happy. However I'm kind of afraid that she might one day realise that she wants to change her beliefs into a more JW way, that she will try to turn you around and that if you get children she will probably want to raise them in a JW style (please don't let her....)

  So there may be a lot of bumps on your road to happiness but if you are 100,000 % sure that you love her then I believe that it will all work out for you two.

  Good luck!
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  Elsewhere

  Your family is just trying to protect you from what they see as a doomed marriage.

  It all comes down to this... unless she is having serious doubts about the teachings of the Watchtower Society and is talking about leaving, then you must understand that she will put the Organization before EVERYTHING ELSE in her life... including her own life... and you and your life. It does not matter if you can prove something else from the bible... she will put the organization before the bible and god. The organization comes before EVERYTHING.

  I have heard of situations where a JW husband/wife will deny blood for a non-JW husband/wife... leading to their death. Granted, this is a worst-case scenario, but it has happened... so make sure your doctor knows that the blood restriction does not apply to you!

  You must also understand that she has and will always have it drilled into her head that YOU are her spiritual head. Because of this she will be in a perpetual state of frustration because you will not be doing all the "spiritual" things that JWs do. Over time this will wear thin on her nerves.
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  LittleToe

  What's the rush. You've only just got engaged, and that's hardly enough time to make wedding arrangements. I'm not surprised your family coughed up a lung at the idea.

  It's your business, at the end of the day, but you don't seem the listening type.

  (Love the avatar, btw - whilst being raised as a JW, my mum didn't like us watching "Rent-a-ghost").