Do you overcompensate to break the cycle?

by SpiceItUp 6 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  SpiceItUp

  On my way to work this morning I was pondering the way my mother is treated as a less than second class citizen by my father. She was running late (he wasn't going to be leaving the house) and yet she still had to cook (yes bacon and eggs) his breakfast. He is too lazy and feels that it is her job to do this. I have actually seen my father wait for his breakfast (even until noon or later) if my mother happened to sleep in. He will refuse to make anything for himself because its her "duty" as a wife. It annoys me to no end that he doesn't even feel he should help out. I am sure some of this comes from the generation they grew up in but the dubs only reinforce the "head of the household" idea.

  I notice with myself that I tend to be as strong of a woman as I can be. I like to be self-sufficient (although I am learning to depend on others). I think alot of the raeson is because I don't want to turn out like my mother. So in effect I over compensate my strength to break this cycle that she is in.

  Some would say it is love that she still does those things and perhaps that is true. But what motivates him NOT to help out...love? I dont think so--I think its the dubism superior gender complex.

  Does anyone else over compensate to aviod falling in their parents trap?
• 

  JH

  Spiceitup,

  He will refuse to make anything for himself because its her "duty" as a wife.

  My father is the same way. My parents are married since 47 years, never once did my father make his meal.

  Although my father is intelligent, well educated, and was a mechanical engineer in a paper mill, he doesn't know how to operate a washer and dryer.

  My father always complains about his health and my mother has to listen to his complaining while my mother keeps to herself her problems. She is like you say treated like a SECOND CLASS person.

  Today, woman in general, don't accept that anymore. A wife is not the property of a husband!

  My father would die if my mother passed away.

  Like you said, most husbands of that generation were not self sufficient. Well, I AM self sufficient, because I live alone, and I learned how to take care of everything.

  I do everything at my place. I even know how to use the sowing machine.

  *Of the mister mom class*
• 

  SpiceItUp

  Like you said, most husbands of that generation were not self sufficient.

  Actually in my fathers case he is (or rather could be) self sufficient. I have heard stories and know that if my mom had to be gone (out of town due to family emergencies) my father did cook. I think that is why it infuriates me so much isn't because he can't help. It's because he won't help.

  Glad to know that some men are able to take care of themselves. It shows that we are growing to some degree.
• 

  Robdar

  Spice,

  My mom cooks the meals for my dad. Sure, it's old generation but that is the arrangement that they made together. My mother took care of the house and kids, my father went to work to provide for the family. But, I have seen my dad cook when my mother was ill. Cook and clean house and go to work. So I know he can do these things. Now that my dad is retired, so is my mother. She still cooks for him because she likes to cook. But, if the house work doesn't all get done today, well, there is always tomorrow.

  When I was younger, I did everything in my power to rebel against winding up like my mother. Now that I am older, I realize that she is happy. That is all that I care about. Who knows? Maybe I wasnt completely correct in my thinking. Why do I say this? Of late, it has occurred to me that I am no one to be judging another person's happiness. I would just like to find some happiness of my own.

  Love,

  Robyn
• 

  Valis

  Hey Spicey..its great you are going to jolly olde England! I bet you will have a great time...oh and I hate you cuz I can't go yet!

  So in effect I over compensate my strength to break this cycle that she is in.

  I was just going to say dear it takes a lot more energy to be who you are than it does to be a slave to another person or an organization...Its hard sometimes to not run out of steam, but you are a strong chickie and I'm sure you would never subject yourself to the "bacon and egss" treatment from anyone...

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  SpiceItUp

  Robyn----good points and taken to heart. The only thing is - I know that my mother is not happy about that arrangement and has said so in so many words. She constantly wishes aloud that it would be nice to come home and have the dishes done. My father works at home (has his own bussiness) and my mother works part time in the evening (she even cooks his dinner on the nights she works and has it ready for him to warm up). The set up is unfair and my mother never has time for herself because of it. I think thats why I strive even more so to be my own person. Not to say that I won't cook for the man in my life (as long as I'm enjoying myself that is what matters and I know he will help out if need be). I was just venting from watching my mother struggle to do something when she did not have the time just because my father is too lazy and wouldn't eat unless it practically served to him. It bugs me when he sits there watching TV and complains that lunch isn't ready when my mother has loads of other things to do. I'm like...hellloooo you have 2 hands and feet that work why not make your own sandwich. I don't judge her happiness--she plainly expresses that she isn't happy.

  Valis--- And why can't you make it to England??? Not too late to get a passport together. You are right...I will never be the "bacon~n~eggs" person unless I want to. Its very different when you are in a relationship where both people give 110% not like the one my parents are in.
• 

  Matty

  Not many people like being compared to their parents, and I'm no exception - I would hate to be thought of as a younger version of my dad! He's a typical Jehovah's Witness father - he demands respect as the head of the house but does nothing to earn that respect. He does nothing in the running of the house, he organises absolutely nothing, in fact he treats the house just like a hotel - but he loves vetoing every decision my mother makes in order to assert his authority. Although he has mellowed with years I still remember how badly he treated my mother while I was growing up, and I will forever hold him up as an example of how not to treat a wife!