This is the start of an article I am writing about the challenges of JW/ex-JW couples face when trying to find friends. I need your help, finging me ideas on where to find friends, how to make friendships, and how to keep them.
Tetrapod.Sapien asked for this topic. But I decided to tackle it a little differently than my polls. From my years on the board, I know that overcoming loneliness and establishing new friendships is one of the biggest challenges an ex-JW faces.
I decided to tackle this known issue with a technique I use at work. Instead of getting you to describe how miserable your current situation is, I'd like you to come up with ideas and solutions. I've turned work units around by getting them to focus on what is doable instead of their miserable present.
Up for the challenge? Help me out! I'm a confirmed nerd. I haven't thought of anything more exciting than bowling leagues or birding clubs. Surely you can think up funner places to meet people!
Making Friends
I don't make friends naturally. I am good at designing systems in my head, am articulate and intelligent, but it escaped me how to go about making a close friend. When I was a young teenager, I took out a book from the library to help me out. I learned the basic concepts, applied them, and never looked back. So I am convinced that making friends is a skill that can be learned and taught. I've done it!
I am also convinced that modern couples, unless they are plugged in to a local community, are missing out on a larger circle of friends. I've helped young couples in my own neighbourhood to apply for foster parenting, small business owners, passport, and loans. They commented that somehow in the busyiness of daily life, they had forgotten to maintain a close circle of friends. Suddenly it dawned on them that no-one knew them well enough or long enough to sign off on a simple character reference.
I find that many Jehovah's Witnesses are lacking the basic skills in finding and maintaining enduring friendships. There are exceptions, of course. Those rare dynamic personalities would succeed in any organization, and they can do very well within the Watchtower Society. But for many, skills are lacking or atrophied for lack of use. Usually, a study group of no more than fifteen people will get to know each other very well, since they see each other at least three times a week. They are instructed to be unified in their brotherhood. They are supposed to be nice to each other. But proximity does not teach compatibility.
Also, the combination of the grinding JW schedule and abstaining from many family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and "worldly" gatherings like corporate events, means the JW is socially isolated outside of his own book study group and Kingdom Hall. If he ever becomes an ex-Jehovah's Witness, the sudden loss of association can be catastrophic.
I've noted as well that my husband tends to write off conflicts with "worldly" friends as being from Satan's influence. This does not lead to reconciliation, or to recognition of his own faults that might have led to the misunderstanding.
Since I want my husband to have a fair choice, if he ever decides to walk away from the society, I've put a lot of effort in establishing and maintaining friends outside of his regular social circle. That way, he won't be wondering what his life would be like if he ever left the Witnesses. Also hepful, when I read derogatory comments about or the ultimate demise of "worldlly" people, I ask him, "Are they talking about people like Brenda who alway sends us baking? Or how about our neighbour James, who literally gave you the shirt off his back and had you laughing so hard you had tears?" It's been a challenge. It seems I make new friends as fast as the old ones drop away, either from offence, impatience, or they simply move away.
Communities - opening the door
Your own neighbourhood. - smile and wave. Speak over the fence. Notice when new neighbours move in and drop off a note and some cookies.
Bowling League - join!
Churches - attend. Look for churches that encourage socializing before and after the service, and have lots of weekday activities including small groups. Arrive early and hang out afterwards. Once it feels right, join a small group. Attend regularly. ex-JW's, you know the drill! UBM's, don't hesitate to join even if your partner's not ready. You need the social interaction too.
Charities - sign up. After a busy session, say "yes" if they go out to unwind somewhere.
Nursing Homes - find people lonelier than you! Check with a home in your neighbourhood to see if they have an adopt-a-senior program. Sign up.
How to Make Friends
Exchange Stuff - cup of sugar, tools. Offer to watch their home when they are away, if they'll do the same for you.
Steadily increased intimacy - you first! Don't spill your guts on the first date. Open up slowly, gauging if they are responding in kind. If they withdraw a bit, lighten it up yourself, sticking with surface subjects like sports or weather for a while.
Do Food - Invite them over for a meal, or drop off goodies when you make a large batch.
Active Interest, how are we the same? - Look for things you have in common and say, "Me, too!" We all yearn for that kindred spirit. Find reasons for them to relate to you as a person.