I've summarized the results of my second "Unbelieving Mate" (UBM) poll. I've found this information-sharing to be cathartic. So many posters have come out of the closet to share, even those who are not living in a religiously divided household. I am so grateful for all your comments, and the breadth and depth you have added to the subject.
Intimacy in a Religiously Mixed Marriage
When I talk about intimacy in this article, I am referring to "warm friendship developing through long association, and of a very personal or private nature". One of the benefits I deeply appreciate about marriage is the sense of teamwork, "us against the world", that, when disaster comes knocking (loss of a parent, financial crisis) my lifemate is at my side. I also enjoy moments of intimacy with my husband, though I am not sure he is built to process the broad range of feelings I can jam in to a single session. I also depend on a network of girlfriends for my confessionals. Hubby cannot depend on me keeping my interest when he gets on one of his sports rants. He seeks out other men to get his sports fix. Is it possible for a couple in a mixed marriage to remain intimate?
My daughter married an intelligent and sensitive man from Rwanda. He speaks French more fluently than English. Nothing could be more different, or exotic, than the world he was raised in. I am proud that I raised a child who sees more opportunity than obstacles when she married man so different than her. My advice for a mixed-cultural marriage would be to respect your differences, take time to learn the other culture, celebrate and value each partner's unique contribution, adopt the good, and drop the bad. My son-in-law now does housework and recycles pop cans, to the enduring scorn of his immigrant friends. My daughter has picked up a shocking number of African jokes, many of which feature randy goats.
Why is it that I am more resentful to my partner's difference in religious beliefs? I think it has to do with the exclusionary and bigoted features of a high-control group like the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've seen the same frozen smile on the faces of my husband's congregation as I was introduced as the (whispered) "Unbelieving Wife", as my daughter experiences from regular Canadian bigots. Though little is said, as is the Canadian way, I know their highest hope was that this embarrassing situation would be quickly resolved with a swift conversion. It was assumed that I was in an inferior state and needed repair.
It is this fundamental lack of respect for my differences that makes it very difficult to embrace the features of the Jehovah's Witnesses that are worthy of imitation. (Be faithful, don't smoke, wash behind your ears). What I likely miss the most is not being able to pray together. I am used to praying about nearly everything. I can pray anywhere. My Anglican girlfriend swore she would hide under the table if I dared try it in a public food court. Hubby is not used to leading in prayer out loud. I miss not being able to pray together a great deal.
A second threat to intimacy in a mixed religious marriage is when one partner changes beliefs. This becomes a direct threat to the other partner, as they committed to the other with certain expectations in mind. The betrayal may be the same as a partner who changes their mind about having children, for instance. Changes in fundamental belief is a definite threat to the marriage bond.
I polled a community of ex-witnesses and "Unbelieving Mates" to find out how a change in beliefs affected their marriage. I received a full range of reponses. It seems the level of intimacy sought or desired has a lot to do with the relative health of the marriage. Had the couple ever established a common bond?
- If the partners were fairly distant to start with, or, were strongly bonded before the change in belief, there was no noticeable change in intimacy.
- Either the changing partner or the partner left behind may withdraw emotionally. The changing partner may feel guilty for betraying an assumption made when they married, that they would share a common set of beliefs. The partner left behind feels betrayed.
- Those of us who openly choose a partner with different beliefs have an easier time of it. Or maybe we are still flush with young love and the joys of discovery. Time will tell.
- I also noticed that the men in my poll are prepared to handle a reduced level of intimacy in the marriage.
- Many commented on the effect that the Watchtower society has on physical intimacy as well. It is true, the society does spell out what isn't approved of in the bedroom. I agree with the other commenters, this interference makes me angry!
Here are some more comments from my polled group:
I could totally tell SOMETHING was up with my husband when he started to have his crisis of faith. I just didn't know what. He was always a million miles away, distracted, and totally not there even when he was physically there.
I can't believe what a difference not having the "big elephant in the room" has made in our relationship....It's amazing that the very thing I have been taught my whole life, (study, service, meetings, pray together) ...is the VERY things that blocked true intimacy for us because he NEVER wanted to do those things in the first ten years of our marriage and he couldn't tell me that!
At first it increased the level of intimacy, because when you go through the deconversion you both evaluate practically everything. The meaning of life, and devotion to each other. However, ...with the dust settling, the lines of communication closed as she did not want to talk about pretty much anything of substance, for she had to "protect her faith".
It affects intimacy. Especially for an atheist. Let's think about that for a second. She loves, intimates and is dedicated more to a nonexistent myth, than she is to me, the flesh and blood, manifestly real human partner. How would you feel? Like a third wheel on a car made of cardboard.
While I was changing I was very frightened, and it got in the way of a lot of joy. These days, not a chance!
How can I be intimate with someone who won't allow me to speak, let alone listen to what I have to say?
It just changes the entire fabric of the relationship when one is a Jehovah's Witness. It always feels like there is a whole cong in a room with you. Rather puts a damper on life! You can never be truly free with that person again. It costs you dearly in ways you could never have imagined before.
My marriage was never especially intimate before my doubting and fading began. What with the pressures of serving in the congregation, meetings, service, study, kids, television, extended family, etc. As my doubts increased and eventually solidified I wanted more intimacy. I felt the need to explain all the new thoughts I was having and the research behind them. I burst forth like a weak dam in a rainy season.
We do discuss religious issues from time to time and I strive to be exactly the opposite of how I view the society – dogmatic. I put things forward as ideas and possibilities and we discuss from there.
The religious subjects we discuss are JW-Lite. They aren’t subjects that will deeply question her faith. On the rare occasion when a serious religious subject comes up I remain non-committal in my anti-JW stance.
I long for the day when I can be completely open about my feelings and be accepted by my wife regardless of whether she agrees or not. She may never leave the truth, but I do feel she’ll accept me as long as I am a good husband in other areas.
The problem is always that the second you say something not doctrinally correct, they have to correct you. ...Speaking to her on spiritual matters isn't like speaking to a human being. It is more like speaking to a salesman.
Leaving the WTS is an emotionally traumatic experience. The emotional support that I desperately need from my husband is not there, and instead I find myself in the postion of peace-keeper in our marriage when all I want is for him to tell me that everything is going to be OK.
I truly believe some JW's attend not because of what is said, but in spite of what is said. (e.g. For family and community, not for doctrine.)
I already know how he will view my opinion on anything I've learned and know he pities me for being misled. These feelings don't bring about intimacy.
It just sucks knowing you will always be put behind the demands of the WTS. Leaving it has unquestionably affected our relationship but I think it bothers me more than him.
My Recommendation
If you have discovered that your partner is making a fundamental change in their beliefs, proceed with caution.
If you are the one changing your beliefs, proceed with caution. Remember how you would have felt a few short months ago if your partner had made such a critical change.
Make an assessment on the relative health of your marriage and the intimacy you share.
If your partner is drawing away, comment on it.
Be respectful of their differences, but also insist they respect yours.
As much as possible keep the lines of communication open. Ask questions. Listen carefully to the answers.
Time your talks about religious matters when your partner is geared to their natural personality rather than their "put-on" religious personality, like during a walk or dinner out.
If you miss the loss of intimacy, seek out other forums for expression, like JWD or a network of friends.
Don't bring up the Watchtower dictates on bedroom behavior. The last time they wrote about this was some years ago, and the current policy is "don't ask, don't tell." Once you alert a new JW that there are rules around bedroom behavior, they may cut you off! So stay mum.
Give your partner a hug once in a while and tell them that everything is going to be OK.