Solution for "Unbelieving Mates" - Confront Quietly

by jgnat 5 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  jgnat

  This is the second in a series of solutions I am building to help newbie "Unbelieving Mates" (UBM)'s deal with their partners studying with the Witnesses. UBM's initially have no idea how pervasive the Watchtower lifestyle can mess with their marriage. I'd like to provide UBM's with the tools they need to communicate with their JW partner, fight for their rights, and stay informed.

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  "Go Ahead, Make My Day!" Few people have never heard the immortal words uttered by Clint Eastwood, a.k.a. Lt. "Dirty" Harry Callahan in Sudden Impact (Warner Bros. Inc. 1983). Here's the action leading up to the famous phrase, borrowed from a law student's paper: http://www.law.unlv.edu/faculty/bam/k2001/sudden.html

  From the side door of the diner, suddenly Lt. Callahan appears, stating he had been coming to the diner for a number of years and never had the waitress given him sugar in his coffee before. When the assailants tell him to leave, the following dialogue occurs:

  Lt. Callahan: We’re not going to let you walk out of here.

  Assailant: Who’s we?

  Lt. Callahan: Smith & Wesson and me.

  When the assailants start shooting at him, Callahan returns fire, possibly killing two and wounding the third man.

  The wounded man grabs the waitress, holding her in front of him with a gun to her head. Then, the immortal words from Callahan: "Go ahead, make my day." At this point, Callahan has his gun in the man’s face and police cars are pulling up to the front of the diner. The man puts his gun down and surrenders.

  The hero manages to convey is extreme displeasure without any overt signs of anger, and without yelling. Yet his words are loaded with meaning. How did he convey his intensity? With facial expression, direct eye contact, and a calm tone of voice. I consider this to be an excellent example of anger under control. Compare Callahan's example to a mall scene between mother and child.

  The child, red-faced and runny, wails aimlessly as she toddles down the hall. "But I wanna I wanna I wannna now..." Mom impatiently yanks on her arm. "Hurry up, and shut up! If you keep on like this I am NEVER TAKING YOU TO THE MALL AGAIN!" The little girl's wail amplifies to a siren, "I DONT WANNA WANNA I BE GOOD NOW NO NO NO NO." Mom, "YOU BE QUIET OR NO CANDY FOR YOU!" Child "I WANT MY CAAAAANDY, NONONONO I WANNA NOW" Mom, "THAT'S IT WE'RE GOING HOME RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW I TELL YOU!", Glances around at the crowd of averted faces, "Now you be quiet and I'll give you your candy." Yanks the child's arm again, "DO YOU HEAR ME?"

  There are a few things this mother is doing wrong, but I will focus on one of them, lack of control. When she gets mad and amplifies her voice, she is advertising to the world that she has lost control of the situation. Shouting can work sometimes. But if yelling becomes a habit, it becomes the annoying siren in the background that everyone desperately tries to shut out.

  How does this relate to the Jehovah's Witness experience? I have found that JW's are very receptive to quiet confrontation. If I raise my voice in anger, on the other hand, I am immediately cut off as being influenced by Satan. You can get a taste of this mild manner of speech by reading the first few paragraphs in any of the Watchtower materials. The public talks are the same. A mild and well-modulated voice calmly presents outrageous information, carefully cushioned in cotton-wool.

  Context:

  You need to confront your JW partner with something that concerns you. Some of the things you have been learning about the Jehovah's Witnesses are alarming, and your partner has become increasingly distant whenever you bring up religion or the Witnesses. You know you have been cut out, you are getting angry, and you need to let your partner know how you feel.

  Problem:

  Whenever you have tried to express your concerns in the past, your partner has shut down and refused to talk to you. Even worse, afterwards she now looks at you as if you are controlled by Satan or something.

  Forces:

  1. By the third visit, a JW study has already been primed to expect opposition from family and friends.
  2. The study is told that this opposition is from Satan, and they must resist it.
  3. The Jehovah's Witness presentation style is mild and unassuming at all times. This is attractive and reassuring.
  4. You may have genuine concerns and some reasonable pent-up frustration over the turn of events. You deserve to be heard.
  5. How do you express your feelings in a constructive manner in a way your partner will listen?

  Essence of the Solution:

  If you imitate the style of the Jehovah's Witnesses, you have a much better chance of being heard by your partner.

  More about the Solution:

  If "just do it" is your style, you may just wing it. Follow Clint Eastwood's lead. When you have your talk, have direct eye contact and keep your voice calm and well modulated. Remember, you can be very confrontational while behaving in a very calm manner. Your heart may be beating through your chest, but you have Clint Eastwood's steely stare. This style has much power, and your partner will know you are in control. Or, you can use a planned approach, outlined below:

  1. Explore your feelings about the whole situation. Why does it bother you so much?
  2. Think up some word-pictures to describe how you feel. You may use word-pictures we've developed on this site if they fit.
  3. Write down your fears and concerns. Be as genuine as possible.
  4. Read a few paragraphs from a Watchtower magazine or attend a public talk to get a feeling on how to modulate your voice so that a Jehovah's Witness will be receptive to what you have to say.
  5. Make a date to talk to your partner. Pick a location and a time when both of you are usually calm and relaxed. My hubby and I have had some of our best talks when we take a long walk.
  6. Tell your partner what is bothering you. Then ask them what the two of you might do to calm your fears.
  7. Avoid ultimatums if you can, but be clear what has to change for you to be at ease.

  Resulting Context:

  1. Sometimes I put off my plan so long the moment is lost.
  2. I wait too long to share my fears, so I end up blowing up anyways. If this happens, don't beat yourself up over it. Figure out what went wrong. Do you need to clean up your own act first? Then try again another day.
  3. People unpredictable, and sometimes they do not respond to our best efforts. If this doesn't work, back to the drawing board. Why didn't my plan work? Is my partner able to understand my feelings?

  Known Uses:

  • To bring up a sticky problem with a JW partner.
  • If I am feeling misused or angry, and I need to share those feelings with my partner in a productive way.
• 

  carla

  That's all well and good, and even correct. However, jw's, even if they don't verbalize it, don't think much of nonjw's anyway. Anybody who has a dissenting opinion is not only wrong but evil. Think about it, you go to a Christian church jgnat, therefore you are part of satan. And often it is the jw who starts getting, shall we say 'zealous' in their delivery. You can see they are not listening. Simply thinking of what should be said next. Give them a question they can't answer they will change the subject. Try as you might to be as cordial as possible to say something like, 'yes we can get to that another time if you like, but we were discussing x right now'. Then comes the villification that you won't talk about hellfire or war and evil christendom! Once their eyes glaze over you might as well give it up for the moment. You don't have long either. It' s not like you can have an actual discussion as with normal people. A conversation involves (at least) two people who actually listen to what the other person says, then responds. Jw's are not taught to listen to anybody outside of dub land.

  If they were able to actually discuss, using their own brain it would mean something. Instead of the canned crap I can read in the wt's. The sheer intellectual laziness on their part is most frustrating. Many things with a minimum of research can shed 'new light' on many of the jw doctrines. We do not need to learn from jw's how to use the so called 'soft voice' (which I don't hear frm my jw) We need military training! I will not go to a hall ever. The elder basically admitted he let a child molester go back into our community and into that hall. Sorry, I can't see myself socializing with a child molester and having to be the model of decorum.

  I agree sometimes you just need to take a break from it all and let it go for the time being just for your own sanity. The problem with that is the jw thinks, 'oh good she's finally getting used to this, life is good'. When nothing could be further from the truth. You may just be trying to figure out how to live your life without that person. You may or may not continue to live with that person but either way there is a huge wedge there. You realize you must make some kind of life without them. Or only having them part time. So you settle until you can figure out what the hell to do next. How sad that word even came out of my mouth! settle. We are supposed to be calm and collective even though our spouses have joined an org that destroys families, relationships, sacrifices their children, protects sexual abusers, you know the list! Being calm is the right thing to do. Outwardly we can even fake it. How well do you think they would take it if we joined the Wiccans or some other group? Your butt would out that door so fast it would make your head spin.

  What makes any ubm think they are really worthy of truth from their jw? Did you miss the revision of the word 'lie'? If it serves their purpose their religion will come first even if it includes lying to a mate they truly do love. Like it or not that's the way it is. Your fooling yourself if you think otherwise. I too once thought, we are different, our love is stronger and so on. I've heard it a million times now on the various boards. I have seen ubm's who are understanding and even helpful to their jw, I have seen ubm's who go public with antiwitness activity, I have seen umb's who just let the whole damn thing drop and no one has the magic bullet. Muddle through until you find what works with your mate I guess.
• 

  kls

  
  Jgnat , i have tried all and i mean ALL and there are no solutions . They either get it or they don't and after trying for over 25 years and read almost everything out there ,no words or actions will work unless the spouse has the guts to really research for themselves on the wt .

  I remember at one time i was going to hire someone to kidnap my husband to deprogram him. I know how sick this must sound but i was desperate because i have done what the books have said and listened to others in the same situation and i can say , unless they are ready and see the real truth , nothing will help.

  I am not telling UBM not to try because yes ,keep trying but there are some who need the wt to breath and untill they learn that they can live without it ,they will not leave.

  Sorry if this is alittle off topic Jgnat and your posts are wonderful but i had to post the other side.
• 

  jgnat

  I should qualify that I am building a whole toolkit of "solutions" to help the newbie UBM cope. I realize they may or may not work. I realize that the solution won't work in every situation. But I figure, the better armed you are, the better chance you will succeed.

  Carla, you may not think I am serious considering the quiet way I have taken on the war. But I assure you, I am a determined and patient warrior, and I rarely lose. I've committed my son and my mother to the mental hospital when they needed it. I wasn't the only professional or sibling or parent around, but I was the one who carried out the dreaded deed, risking their enduring hatred. Think Clint Eastwood and his steely stare. That is me inside.

  KLS, I agree that you cannot make over a person if they don't want it. For that reason I won't teach the manipulative techniques that the WTS uses to coerce an individual to leave the society. What's the point? You've converted a weak-willed individual to leave one manipulative situation for another. I prefer to empower people and help them be brave enough to live with their decisions. EVEN IF THEIR CHOICES PUSH THEM CLOSER TO THE SOCIETY.

  Here's an example of where I completely blew the "Clint Eastwood" model and went on a freak-out rant. It only lasted twenty minutes or so, though, and hopefully gave hubby much to think about. He was talking about a recent JW funeral. None of the sons were pallbearers, as they aren't JW's in good standing. Instead, men in good standing in the congregation carried the casket. Ministerial Servant at least.

  I freaked out. I told him I'd give him a PROPER JW FUNERAL in his time and I'd make sure HIS FAVORITE WORLDLY SISTER would be treated like CRAP and ONLY JW'S IN GOOD STANDING would be allowed to talk at the funeral. Come to think of it, maybe I SHOULD STAY AWAY TOO since obviously THE WIDOW IS BAD ASSOCIATION. He did his best to calm me down, and admitted he wasn't sure what the JW policy on pallbearers were. I said sure, why don't you check that out, then.
• 

  carla

  jgnat,

  I know your serious and I know your right as well. And if a Christian it is the more correct way too! Hard to do sometimes. I have given up talking about it with him for awhile. Need a new plan of action. I have a few things running through my head. None of it even matters if truth isn't more important than dogma to the jw. There are a few family things coming up that will bother him a bit probably. Yet he promised that the org would not make his decisions for him. That was a long time ago now. We will see.
• 

  jgnat

  Absolutely, this can be a good time to point out to hubby that he's not as much his own man as he used to be.

  There are a few family things coming up that will bother him a bit probably. Yet he promised that the org would not make his decisions for him. That was a long time ago now.

  Ask him detailed, specific questions on what he will and will not do. Christmas Crackers, in or out? Turkey dinner? Prayer over the meal? Wrapped gifts? Toasts? Well-wishes (Happy Thanksgiving)?

  I am thinking references to the articles on luau's and pinata's might be in order. Freedomlover and ITIS have them. Don't print them out, make him look them up.