It's aimed at the newbie UBM. Thank you to all who contributed.
Secrecy: Pros and Cons
Who doesn't preserve their partner's feelings by not revealing the complete truth? My neighbour told this story from the early days of her marriage. Her husband, raised in poverty, never complained about the food set before him. He always cleaned his plate. She often made him chili, sometimes twice a week. Six years later they are in a restaurant. She sees chili on the menu and mentions it to her husband. "No way. I hate chili!" She was dismayed of course, but laughs about it now. Imagine, blissfully serving her husband something he hated, for six years!
My husband often asks me if I can see the new growth in his bald spot. I ask him if I look hot in my new dress. We both weigh the cost of complete honesty.
We may be compelled to keep our research private, since JW's have such an adverse reaction to any critical literature. They are taught that all critical material is from Satan. Just try and live with someone who thinks you are possessed by the Evil One. On the other hand, what kind of marriage survives a severe division in thought and mind? Sneaking around cannot last forever.
I have my own approach to privacy and secrecy, but it may not work for everybody. I polled a group of UBM's find out if they hide their JW research from their partner. If they did, was there a cost to their relationship? If they were completley open, what was the result?
Here's a summary of what I learned.
- If you are determined to preserve your marriage, don't share all your research. You need your partner to trust that you are on their side.
- On the surface, at least, be supportive of all their ambitions and dreams, even if it leads them closer to the society.
- Do be open with your feelings on how the involvement with the JW's affects you. You do need intimacy with your marriage partner, otherwise, what's the point?
- Test the waters once in a while, to see if they might be open to new ideas.
- The UBM's tell me that their JW partners really don't want details of their partner's JW research. This has been my experience as well. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Is it a kindness to share information that they are not prepared to hear? How much better to tell them when they are ready?
- Do plan on coming clean some day in the future, after they have exited the society for good.
Here's some UBM stories from my poll:
The emotions of ubm's can range from despair, depression, rage, indifference, to how much longer? Moments of hope, moments of no hope, and anything in between all of those.
When I read apostate books openly in the past, it became a big scandal in the hall, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The most honest thing though, is to be honest about your emotions. You are likely going to be hurt or angry by your experiences with a jw loved one. You do need to make those feelings known or they will fester into resentment and rage. So by all means, discuss your feelings. Just be very careful to focus your discussions on the individual JW. Do not let the WTS become the focus.
My problem is simply the fact that most JW's spend their entire lives stumbling around, swaddled like mummies in layer after layer of bad information and outright falsehoods. If someone wants to be a JW after the bandages are removed; Fine.
Do you hide your reference materials from your partner? I did at first. He found my books in a closet a couple years ago and he asked me if he could take them and put them in a storage shed we rented. He claimed he had been having trouble sleeping at night and thought it was the demons surrounding the material I had.
I do not hide the fact that I use the internet and a message board, she does not want to know about it. My wife knows the score and is savvy enough to keep it quiet from the elders . Advice?...I would only say the same as in any marital dispute. Try and talk, try and keep it reasonable and not angry , and above all show that just because you left the WT, you have not changed into the kind of monster that the WT says we are....
I knew when I started my journey away from the witness that the road would be lonely and possibly cost me my wife and family. I've made myself suffer intolerable frustration, anger, guilt, pain and sickness to fade and not just get up and walk away. I've done it for my family and for no other reason. So far the payoff has been a closer family relationship and some leeway in witness rules and regulations. I can only hope that when the time comes to discuss things in more detail that I'm clear and sensible. I pray regularly for assitance with that.
When he first became aware that I was visiting anti-JW sites, he was really angry, which is saying something because he's a very laid-back kind of guy. He's gotten used to it now, and now I think his curiosity is getting to him. At times, I think he's dying to know who I'm talking to or what I'm reading. But he also knows that info is off limits to him, for my own self-preservation. I don't think he'll ever leave the WTS just to find out what I'm doing, but the fact that I can be so happy being away from the WT, when I have always been so 'spiritual', is gnawing at him I think.
(From a couple where she is now exiting from the JW's)
He: There were a couple of times I had JWD (www.jehovahs-witness.com ) open and she was walking towards my laptop and I wasn't sure I would close everything in time.
She: Yes, I did know something was up. I would walk over and he's be fumbling around on the computer and I'd be asking him a question and he'd be stuttering around..."What? What? " I figured he must be a porn addict or something!
He: Even though my wife was as good as "out" of the Org at one point, I NEVER offered her CoC or Christian Freedom or Gentile Times books until she SAID OUT LOUD: " I want to get the Gentile Times book." or "I would like to read one of Franz's books." During times of doubt in the future (which can likely happen) I do not want her to look back and even BEGIN to think I pushed the "apostate" literature on her in ANY way.
She: We are very open about everything now, but I am actually getting a taste of the sneaking around with info. thing now. Whenever someone drops by (JW's) I have to quickly scan the house to make sure I've put all my info. and books away. It's very hard to live like that! I still am hiding all my Ray Franz books in case someone drops by, or if my kids friends spot it and tell their parents.