Helping children deal with leaving

by Cicatrix 5 Replies latest watchtower medical

• 

  Cicatrix

  I think it just really hit home with my nine year-old son that this time we are not going to go back to meetings. He's been asking a lot of questions, and reminiscing about past events nostalgically, yet he is really looking forward to celebrating holidays this year and playing organised soccer next summer.I try to answer his questions to his satisfaction, yet I can sense the confusion he feels and I'm not quite sure how to make him understand ( he seems to think that he shouldn't believe in God because he's not going to meetings anymore,although I've told him that he of course can believe in God). I imagine all of my kids are going through a similar process as myself right now-good days and bad.Some of them wanted to leave before I did, and are handling it pretty well.One of my teenage sons was reluctant about my decision, but I explained to him that my decision to DA was my own, and that if he wanted to continue going, I wasn't going to stop him.My daughter, however, discussed the whole silent lambs issue with him, and he was shocked, to say the least,and not so keen on continuing when she told him about this(he told me this himself).

  So, for you parents who have been there-do you have any tips for easing their transistion?Did you do anything that seem to help your kids?How do you handle kid's questions about religion, when you're not sure of the answers yourself anymore?

  Fortunately, my kids had mostly nonwitness friends, so they already have others to hang out with.I've been trying to keep them busy having their friends over.It's been good for them.Their friends seem to be true friends-they liked my kids when they were witnesses, and they like them just as much now that they are not.It will be an interesting lesson in conditional love when the announcement is made that I have dissassociated myself and the kids get to witness how my "friends" treat me.

  My son and I had a very interesting conversation the other day.I gently informed him that when the congregation hears that I have dissassociated myself, they will no longer talk to me.I told him that his friends would not be allowed to come over to our house, or in all probability, talk to him either.He sat and thought about it for a moment and said "You know Mom, So and So always seemed like a real know-it-all to me.He was very bossy, even to grown ups."It was an astute observation from a nine year-old, he pegged this kid's personality to a t.But I wasn't quite sure how his answer fit in with our conversation. Was he telling me he was okay with what might happen, or was he changing the subject because it was just too painful for him to deal with?

  I'm keeping an open dialog with all of them.We've been having a lot of discussions along the line of "Wow, it's going to feel weird to celebrate Halloween, birthdays, Christmas, etc.Then we talk about the things we will do.My youngest has asked me to explain to his teacher and the principal that we are no longer Jehovah's Witnesses, and I told him I would do that.Some neighbors have already invited him to attend their church, but having formerly attended it myself, I don't really want him to.It's a very hell-oriented church(hellbent? lol) and I don't think he needs to be exposed to anymore manipulation.I told him he can attend when he is 18.Another wants to run for student council, and I told him to go for it.He has a very people oriented personality, so I'm not surprised he has a political interest.

  Any anecdotes or information would be appreciated. Are there any books to help parents on this issue?

  Thanks for your help,

  Cicatrix
• 

  Xena

  We left when our daughter was almost 5 years old, right before kindergarden. She missed some of her friends at first, but we worked with her building relationships with kids in school on her soccer team and the girls in her dance classes.

  My family tried scaring her at first with images of us all being killed at Armageddon, but we took care of that promptly by telling them they would never see her again if they tried anymore of that. Then we calmly reasoned with her on if she really thought God, who should be even more loving than her parents, would kill someone just for not worshiping a certain way. I have told her lately when she asks about God that I really don't know if he exists or not and that I don't mind her believing in him or praying to him and that eventually she can decide if, when and how she wants to worship him.

  Of course celebrating the holidays has been a BIG plus for her! We made a big party for her birthday, invited all her girlfriends for a sleepover at the house! We have tried to do all we can to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible.

  Hoped this helped a little....and I am sorry I don't know of any books that might help..
• 

  Dia

  Some things I have enjoyed over the years....

  If you're up for such a thing, Huston Smith is a very well-respected author and professor. Because his family travelled a lot, he was raised as a Christian in a Chinese environment.

  His early exposure led to his becoming quite an expert, teacher and author on world religions.

  His books are wonderful. Particularly, 'Religions of the World'. He even did a multi-segment series with Bill Moyers for PBS. (You can find a whole lot on Amazon).

  Of course, these things will give you an essence of world religions including, but also beyond Christianity and Judism (like Hinduism and Buddhism). But it is a fascinating and respectful look. (Particularly at Islam, right now, but that's another story).

  Currently, I'm really enjoying 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Catholicism'.

  Rodney Stark, who I am currently very angry with (as he is featured for some reason - God only knows what - on a JW press video), wrote many books, two of which I can recommend highly.

  'The Rise of Christianity' is the history of the early church and some thoughts on why it grew so rapidly after Christ's death. It gives a very palpable sense of what it was like to live in Rome at the time of Christ and immediately after. (An early chapter on the diaspora was very hard to grasp - for me - but can easily be overlooked with no loss to the main story).

  Another is, 'The History of Religion in America' (Rodney Stark again), which looks at many denominations and how they got started in America and what kinds of circumstances helped them flourish. It will give you a really good 'sense' of various religions.

  Tho, Mr. Stark's current position with the WTS has hurt his credibility somewhat in my eyes.

  Last I heard, he was an agnostic, wishing he could find faith.

  I wish he could find faith, too.

  For a wonderful faith experience, I highly recommend 'Closer to the Light' by Dr. Melvin Morse. He's a pediatrician who had a profound experience with a very young patient who was recovering from a near-drowning/near death experience. Dr. Morse was so moved by that event, he decided he wanted to talk more to lots of kids who had near death experiences and that is his book. It's fantastic.

  And very beautiful.

  I wish you luck and hope and faith in your search. Don't push your kids one way or another but acknowledge their faith experiences - and your own, too. You're the grown-up. And you don't have to have all the answers. Just be honest.

  It sounds like you're doing a good job of that already. Every religion is about seeking God and communing with God.

  As the first chapter of the Catholic Catechism states, 'man is a religious being'. And throughout all of history, man has nurtured a communal relationship with God.

  I am very moved by the fact that Mohammed, in trying to bring the concept of 'one God' to a desert people who had no access to art or music or other religious 'things', looked to the sky for evidence of God's handiwork. (It's always there!)

  In the midst of your faith journey, which can become noisy and cluttered sometimes, I hope you will also find a guiding evidence of God in nature.

  Don't forget that you're the parent and don't burden your kids unnecessarily with concepts that are beyond their grasp.

  It sounds like you're off to a wonderful start.

  My best to you all.
• 

  Dia

  PS - Halloween can be a really bizarre time to be trying on new religions.

  It might be useful to know that Halloween was begun as a Christian celebration of faith.

  In the fall, everything is dying. Plants, trees, the harvest. It's all disappearing. The days are getting colder and shorter; the nites are growing longer. In former times, this was a frightening experience for people in many cultures.

  But people of faith (even before science) knew and believed that spring will come again. That this dark time was only temporary.

  They were unafraid and to prove and make a statement about their faith, they celebrated the harvest, the passing of the souls of their friends and relatives (in Mexico they even sit graveside overnite with their family and neighbors, picnic and all, on the 'Day of the Dead'.)

  Separately, again to celebrate the comfort of their faith, they also engaged in a mockery of fear. A kind of game of 'You can't Scare Me!'.

  And so Halloween was born.

  Today in America, Halloween is out of control and much too frightening for very young children.

  But I think it can be helpful to understand the roots of the holiday. And to explain it to your kids.
• 

  Cicatrix

  Thanks for your suggestions, Dia.I'm going to note the authors and books you suggested looking into and see if I can find any of them.

  I'm personally not ready to examine any one religion seriously yet, but I'm looking forward to studying as many of them as I can from the perspective of the followers.Get the facts from the source, I say.I'm not just interested in Christianity, but in religion in general.I especially want to learn more about Native American faiths, Wicca, various other "country dweller" paths:), and the Eastern religions.

  I've had the good fortune to have travelled much of the world when I was a child (and in fact distinctly remember experiencing culture shock when my family moved back to the United States when I was ten).Although a lot of the memories have faded, I've been left with a feeling of being joined with all of humanity, and to the beautiful places on the earth that I was privileged to see.I love how we are all unique, yet somehow the same.I love to seek out persons with backgrounds very different from mine and get to know them.I am truly looking forward to being a citizen of the earth, as well as of my own country.

  I hope I can share with my children and help them appreciate and respect people of all different backgrounds.I've always attempted to do this, even while a JW, but it was hard when everything was held up to the standard of one "absolute" religion(one can't really get the entire essence of a different culture if you don't use that culture's mores to understand it alot of the time).I'm very glad now that I was a "spiritually weak"(would that be independently thinking?) parent:)I never did really get with the program, because it all felt too forced,and I never believed that faith should be crammed down my children's throats like a plate of brussels sprouts just because it was supposed to be "good for them".Where does free will fit in when your child, who would rather be out playing baseball, is stuck in the house for a family Bible study on a lovely summer evening? Yet sometimes, that old feeling that was foisted on me by critcal hardliners that I was somehow deficient as a parent comes back, and I really have to fight not to lose the knowledge that I have done the right thing.

  Yes, we are all a bit confused right now,but it's been the great catalyst for many insightful conversations.My nine year-old wanted to know the other day why the persons who crashed into the WTC could kill so many people and still consider themselves to be approved by God.It was the perfect chance for me to discuss indoctrination and extremists views of religion, and to let him know that the majority of the people of that faith absolutely do not feel the way that group did.I gently related this to WTS policy,being careful to let him lead the conversation and quit when he got uncomfortable.

  One thing we are all giddy with is the freedom to just be who we are and learn about what we want in the way that we want.I will never give that freedom up to another organization or person again.
• 

  Cicatrix

  Thank you, Xena.It looks like I am on the right track, then, because that is what I have been doing.One of the things my kids really missed out on was organised sports,so next summer, I'm going to let them play soccer.

  I don't have any family who are JWs.My parents studied for a long while, but my mother was never permitted to be baptised (no reason was given),so they quit.That armageddon threat is one of the things I really hated,so my kids have heard my opinion on that a number of times:)They are a bit older, also (my youngest is nine),so I don't think it will be much of an issue.

  I think getting involved with their school friends and school activities will help.The meetings were such a ritual, it seems odd to not be filling time with it, yet we are all relieved.The lid to the pressure cooker is opened,and we can all breathe again.We used to get really cranky getting ready for meetings.We'd even fight all the way there in the car.I never realized until recently that it was a stress reaction, though.The last meeting I tried to attend,I had a full blown panic attack.That's when I knew I could never go back.Now, we sleep in late on Sundays and have a relaxed family breakfast.Then a lot of the times, my husband takes the boys out on the motorcycle trails.We visit friends and family-all the things we yearned to do while we were at the Kingdom Hall for yet another meeting.

  Over the past few days, I've noticed my kids are starting to define for themselves what they will continue to do, and what they will discard.There is a bit of a tendency to want to hang on to some practices.One son doesn't want to do some holiday related things in school, but wants to do them at home.Poor thing-he argued with his classmates for years,now we're doing a total reverse in thinking.Even though he has always wanted to celebrate holidays, he doesn't want to put up with the teasing and I told you so from his peers.So I guess we'll just take it day by day, and I'll let them decide for themselves how they want to handle it.

  Regardless of the confusion, they definitely seem happier and more at peace now:)