My husband is a lucky man....
2 nights ago, I decided to give him a "date night" he wouldn't forget. I made a fantastic meal, set it aside to cool enough to not burn our teeth out, and mixed up a couple of margaritas for he and I to enjoy. We sat outside puffing on Swisher Sweets while watching for shooting stars and UFOs.
After a delicious meal for two, it was on to the bedroom. There, I found my childhood copy of the book, "Questions Young People Ask, Answers That Work". I then read aloud the chapters on masturbation and premarital sex. I even included the small article on pornography. He paid close attention, because he was to be graded on his responses to the summary questions at the end of each chapter.
I decided it was time for a second margarita. While I was mixing the drinks, I made him read Chapter 33, "Drinking-Why Not?" I echo their sentiments exactly.
Back to the bedroom for our lesson in masturbation. After reading paragraph after paragraph full of words such as "arousing, sexual, appetite, body members, pummeling, erotic, struggle (yes, struggling is nice), urges, sexually stimulating, be hard on yourself, but not too hard, etc", we suddenly found that this is more of a book meant to tantalize young people than anything. Chapter 26, 2nd paragraph........"desires become like a harsh master". Paul says, "I pummel my body and lead it as a slave". These sentences mirror the fetishes of many.
Page 210 even encourages mutual masterbation. Consider the subheading, "Help from others". At least, that's how I took it. I was disappointed by reading that what they actually meant was to set up a masturbators anonymous in your house and to have your dad keep track of how often you "relapse", perhaps marking it on a calendar.
And if you are a girl, try to enlist the aid of a mature Christian sister. Maybe she could mark down your periods on the calendar, then estimate when your ovum is at large. That way, you will be prepared for those times when you become like a bitch in heat (or a cow), and you will fight your egg's urges to be fertilized. Oops, wait! I forgot! Girls are horny all month long too. I had daily orgasms starting at the age of 7. And I didn't get my period til I was 13! Scratch that old Christian sister thing then, because she will do you no good by guessing when you are fertile. Eggs don't want penises. Vaginas want penises. Victorian assclowns these writers are! It's called "it feels good", not, "I am fertile". Sick stupid geeks...
Now little no-name-because-I-don't-exist only relapses 6 times a year, instead of 6 a day. How encouraging!
Although I was disappointed by all of the bad things the book has to say about masturbation, I was delighted to read on page 201, 4th paragraph, "Masturbation is not directly condemned in the Bible". At least they admit that much.
After nearly DYING of hysterical laughter, we sum this book up to be a "must read" on a date night where alcohol, laughing, and sexual arousal are in order. Sure, it may be circa 1989, but the advice and wording in every sentence is timeless and truely amazing. An instant classic. My significant other, having never been a JW, was doubled over with tears of laughter at the pictures depicted throughout the pages. One in particular, page 209, an individual who is trying to figure out whether or not to look at pornography, truely tickled his fancy.
In case you are wondering if my story of how this date night actually went down is true, yes it is. We had a few drinks and read these chapters OUT LOUD (well, I read them out to him). And I did make him answer the questions at the end.
I have a Bible study you guys!!