S-E-X for ex-jw couples........(is that an oxymoron?)

Juniper

Hi all!

I'm still a newbie around here... I've been out of jw's for a year now and recently started reading posts on this site. They're sooo helpful to me! I can't beleive what a releif it is to have people on hand that understand what you've gone through - especially when the rest of the world could not understand the 'deprogramming' we have to endure. Can't beleive how much it's changed my life for the better - but it's still a lot to sort through.

Anyhow - my question is for all the ex-jw couples out there....

An issue my husband and I have had...

We were need greaters for many years. During that time, because of our upbringing and environment, we convinced ourselves that sex was (more or less) a distraction from the "important work" we were doing. I had a hard time with it too, as I was taught from the very beginning that sex was oh-so-wrong! (ha!)

Since we've left - we've both gotten to a point where we're feeling more sexual -and that there's nothing wrong! Nope - no Jehovah - no angels watching you.... (can't beleive that ever used to cross my mind!) The PROBLEM is that we're having a very difficult time making the transition as a couple. I still see the elder giving a talk and he still sees the pioneer wife - and we all know.....there's nothing sexy about that!!!!!

Any one else out there experience this? Any stories you could share?

I'm open to advise - comiserating - or stories of your own.

HELP!!!!!!!

under_believer

I can't really sympathize. My wife and I have always had really great sex, but we were always pretty lousy Witnesses.

However, I DO know that there are therapists and programs for people who have intimacy issues (and the Society definitely imparts intimacy issues to their members.) You may want to discreetly talk to a therapist in your area and see if they can direct you to a specialist that could help out.

EDIT: What I mean when I say "I can't really sympathize" is that I don't have the RIGHT to sympathize, not having experienced that. I of course feel bad for your situation. :)

Lo-ru-hamah

Maybe you aught to change the way you view it. Hot elder getting off the stage coming over to you and mauling you right there for everyone to see. Role play but make it where you actually think of those roles as something sensual. Maybe don't wear panties to dinner and while you are eating tell him how you would like.... You finish the story.

I don't know just a thought.

Loruhamah

I hope I didn't offend.

Lady Lee

It sounds corny but try dating again. Start from the beginning. One of the first things a prof told my Human Sexuality class is that people "do it" but rarely talk about it. Good sex requires good communication. At a time when you are not having sex talk about it. What feels good. What doesn't. What things would you like to try, - different places.

If there was something he/she did that you enjoyed then tell them -- "You know when you did... I wanted you to never stop."

Sex can be fun and sometimes fun can turn into sex.

Get some sex manuals and read them together. If something sounds interesting let the other person know you might be willing to try it next time. But if something gets suggested and you really aren't interested let them know that too. Sex should never be about feeling pressured to do something you don't want to do.

Always have these discussions when you aren't doing it.

Now for those of you who would like to take this into the tawdry side of things -- all those posts will be edited

jayhawk1

The date idea is a good one. We still do a lot of that when time allows.

If you can do it, spend the day naked. No phone, all the windows closed and doors locked, no distractions. Put on a romanic movie and cuddle without clothes. Have food and drink ready to go. Make it a point not to rush into anything. My suggestion requires all day.

damselfly

I vote for Naked Day! Sounds like a great time to me.

Dams

outoftheorg

You have read some good suggestions and there will be more.

If you choose to see a counselor or psychologist make sure they are legit and know what they are doing.

Some of them are as screwed up as we were in the jw cult. Especially if we grew up in it and it sounds like that is how you got into the cult.

Ask your family doctor if they know of a good certified pshchologist with a good reputation. Don't go to the family doctor for counseling, they are often as confused as ourselves.

Outoftheorg, of the been there done that thing.

stillajwexelder

I am still in the truth just - my wife is definitely in. Our sex lives have improved over the years but I know what you mean - sometimes I still feel twinges of guilt when we are not missionaries if you know what I mean

Lady Lee

stilla

yup I know what you mean but think of this -- as we get older and the joints hurt more the WTS sanctioned position might not be doable anymore. Are people just supposed to give up and forget about an important part of their lives?

There are many positions that are a lot more comfortable than the one recommended by the WTS. Heck some of the people who make up the rules weren't even married (Franz) or if they were they were living with their spouses (Russell who apparently didn't even have sex when they were together and Rutherford whose sexual lifestyle was certainly unorthodox)

fokyc

The advice from Lady Lee, is some of the best I have ever read, she really knows what she is on about. At nearly 74 I endorse it completely. Enjoy your whole life, but particularly sex while you can.

fokyc

S-E-X for ex-jw couples........(is that an oxymoron?)

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