Jehovah - The Great Giver
You got that right. Jehovah was an amazing giver of gifts! Let's have a look at some of the more memorable gifts he gave his followers, back in the days when he still made his presence known, unlike now:
1. The Ark of the Covenant. If you touched this gift, you died.
2. Manna from Heaven. Imagine eating something a bit dodgy that magically "appears" on rocks in the desert for 40 years! 40 years! Now that's what I call a religious experience! Or possibly a cannibalism-engendering one!
3. Cain and Abel. These were the first sons he "gave" Adam and Eve. Abel was all right, but that didn't last very long, now did it?
4. A Whale. A slightly more unusual form of gift, since not many people can truthfully say they've received a Cetacean for Christmas, but nonetheless it's not cool if your present swallows you for three days. I'd return that kind of present to the store and swap it out for a Camaro or something. (Note: I've never actually seen a real Camaro, but they look pretty nifty!)
5. Babylonian Entrapment. You naughty buggers! Now you will be forced to live in Babylon for endless years! It's like New York, but smellier and with fewer Starbucks franchises!
6. "Booze" Rutherford. Old red-nose himself. What a delightful gift he was. A gift in men, indeed.
These are just some examples of how generous Jehovah has been to us. Of course, we've left out the peachiest gift of them all, the good old Watchtower Bribery and Trap Society, where piety can be purchased for the price of a bimonthly Watchtower subscription (that you have to pick up from the Kingdom Hall yourself in your six-door car, tightwad).
CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE WORLDWIDE WORK
Many set aside, or budget, an amount that they place in the contribution boxes labeled 'Contributions for the Worldwide Work' - Matthew 24:14. Please keep in mind that when the writers of the Watchtower say the word "many" in this context, we really mean "all of you poor mofos, or else!" This might seem to be taking the form of a suggestion, but it's the kind of suggestion that gets people killed for refusing blood transfusions, so we hope you get the point. Give us your money or die.
Hey, we don't mean to sound like criminals, really. How many criminals do you know that have their own private planes?
It's important to keep in mind that it takes a hell of a lot of money to run the Worldwide Work. Our worldwide work is very important - if we don't get those international fishing expeditions at least once every two months, our senility really begins to kick in. Besides, if we don't hit Alaska every now and then Jaracz starts going all Charles Taze on our collective, expensively dressed Governing Body ARSES! So please contribute lavishly. You don't want to see Jaracz when he hasn't been able to pull a nice big pike outta the water for a couple of months, believe me!
CONDITIONAL-DONATION ARRANGEMENT
Money may be donated under a special arrangement in which, should the donor request it, the donation may be returned to him. Don't you think this is a diabolic idea? Imagine having to go to your Elders and ask them, "Hey, uh, guys, I was wondering if you could write a letter to the Society to ask them if they could return that second mortgage I took out on my home? I kinda need it. The wife's asked for a new car. That foor-door station wagon with the wood panelling on the sides just isn't cutting it anymore, especially now that we have to bus the entire service group around, and half of them are too poor to afford deodorant...guys? Hello? Guys? Are you still there?...."
CHARITABLE PLANNING
In addition to outright gifts of money, there are other methods of giving to benefit Kingdom service worldwide. These inclued (sic):
Insurance: The Watch Tower Society may be named as the beneficiary of a life insurance policy or a retirement/pension plan. This way, we get your sh*t after you hit the bucket, and also conveniently right after you find out we were talking BS the whole time about that Paradise stuff, but not too late for you to give us your MONEY! Mwuhahaha!
Bank Accounts: Bank accounts, CD's, or IRA's may be placed in trust for or made payable on death to the WTS, in accord with local bank requirements. Most banks don't have a "Blood-sucking Vampiric Organization" clause in their contracts, but you bet your ass we can get them to put one in. It's amazing how well a little bit of money can lubricate the adminstrative "works" at most banks, isn't it?
Stocks and Bonds: Stocks and bonds may be donated to the WTS as an outright gift. Just please, please don't pull the same stunt as that Brother who shall go unnamed until we find his ass and disfellowship him did - he gave us 10000 units of PETS.COM stocks, in late 1999. Oh dear Jehovah, please save us! So, as long as the company who's stocks you're giving us sells something other than hand-puppets, this should be OK.
Real Estate: Salable real estate may be donated either by making an outright gift or, in the case of residential property, by reserving a life estate to the donor, who can continue to live therein during his or her lifetime. Contact the branch office in your country before deeding any real estate. And don't get any fancy-schmancy ideas about getting extra credit from the bearded dude upstairs because you think we're going to go and build a Kingdom Hall on your property, doofus! We're going to sell it and use the proceeds to buy some more whisky for the lodge in Alaska! So don't get the wrong impression!
Gift Annuity: A gift annuity is an arrangement whereby one transfers money or securities to the WTS. In exchange, the donor, or someone designated by the donor, receives a specified annuity payment every year for life. The donor receives an income-tax deduction the year the gift annuity is established. This way, you don't have to remember to put your money, earned by your blood, sweat and tears, into that conspicously labelled contribution box every month. Aren't we efficient?
Wills and Trusts: Property or money may be bequeathed to the WTS by means of a legally executed will, or the WTS may be named as beneficiary of a trust agreement. A trust benefiting a religious organization may provide certain tax advantages. Yeah, you can save a few hundred dollars on your taxes while our whisky collection increases exponentially! Now this is starting to get good!
Hmm, I haven't really posted much for a while. Are you guys still alive?
Regards, [SYN]