It's that time of year again!
Yes, you guessed it, it's time for the beloved International Conventions for 2003!
Would you like to go to an International Convention? Sign up here: http://www.jwzone.org/forums/showthread.php?s=2e3a944ca5deb067d8828d1a85091fa6&threadid=6415
Remember, every time you click on that link, JWZone (an avowed, died-in-the-blood-Dub site that hates Apostates) gets another hit from an Apostate site! What's even more ironic is that they got their most hits EVER in the history of their entire site when they got linked from...HERE. Oh, the humanity of it! BTW, you have to be an "active" Jehovah's Witness to qualify to go to an International Convention as a Delegate. By that I mean that, not only do you have to sell a certain minimum amount of Watchtower literature per month, you also have to do it in such a way that a group of at least 100 notices it repeatedly, and then you have to pay for your plane ticket, accomodation, food, and anything else you might need while you sit on an incredibly uncomfortable and ergenomic-free plastic stadium chair for about 8 hours a day, for 3 days. Note that this is something called a "Loving Provision From Jehover", and should be accepted gratefully if you can get it.
For newcomers to JWD and other XJW sites in general, please note that JWZone really is a TrueBlueDub site, where Dubs gather, and Dubs alone. This, despite the obviously reprovable fact that they indulge in massive science-fiction fantasies of the sort normally preferred by people who have at least 3 different kinds of Star Trek costumes in their closets, instead of the more spiritually correct polyster suits. In fact, the entire site has a very spiritually unhealthy Trekkie theme to it. This is probably just another tool of Satan, then.
Anyway, to get to my main point, here are a few handy tips for those travelling to the International Conventions (I know that some of you will unfortunately be forced to attend them):
* When travelling to and from the Convention site, please be sure that you don't ride over, bump, or otherwise maim the Apostates waving placards outside the venue. The only difference between them and you is timing and the Internet, so be kind.
* One important thing that many Publishers forget when going to the Convention is to wear modest clothing. The only form of modest clothing is a polyster suit, although dresses are tolerated for women who are not allowed to wear suits. It is unspiritual for a Brother to wear anything except a suit, no matter WHAT the temperature at the venue is.
* Since we can no longer purchase hoagies (what is a hoagie?) at Conventions, please make your own "hoagie" and pack it in your little Publisher brief-case before the Convention. Then you can carefully pull it out of your bag and lick all the sauce off the handle during lunch. This is another incredibly Loving Provision from Jehover, who seems to dislike Hoagie Preparation at Conventions (Luke 3:5).
* Please could somebody email me instructions for Hoagie Preparation?
* It is very important that you listen to the Attendants, and obey their instructions to the letter, even if they are 16 year olds whose faces closely resemble the surface of Io (Jupiter's moon), and you are an 80-year old Super Pioneer. This is because all Attendants are really represantatives of the will of Jehover, even if they have not started growing their forbidden beards yet. Call it the Bum Fluff Spirituality Monitoring Brigade!
* Parking Attendants are extremely Spiritual Brothers, and should also be completely obeyed, even when they request that you park your car in what at first glance appears to be a bog, but turns out to be a pit full of quicksand. They will report you to the Elders if you arrive in a car with less than 6 doors.
* If you are not married, Conventions are one of the extremely few chances of finding a marriage mate. You can see many "Corridor Cuties" at Conventions, and it is Spiritually Approved-of to go up to them, introduce yourself, state your Congregation, Presiding Overseer, and so forth, until you manage to somehow impress them enough to chat back to you. In these situations, saying things like "JR Brown is my cousin" could possibly do a great job of convincing them that you are great marriage material. Even if you are white.
* It goes without saying that you will need at least sixteen different coloured markers to underline your Convention program in. You can tell that a Brother or Sister is spiritual when their Program resembles a diseased box of candy.
* Beware the Convention Lurkers, former Brothers who are regularly seen at JWD, who are only at the Conventions to keep up appearances. They are usually the ones in the front row (very unspiritual seating unless you are a high status congregation member) bouncing up and down shouting "BULLSH*T!" every now and then, usually when the speaker says words like "Annointed", "Kingdom", or, my personal favourite "faithful and discreet slave".
* BULLSH*T BINGO, as it is called, is a very rewarding, spiritually unhealthy activity that will get you "escorted" from the Convention by a large group of very sturdy Brothers, or possibly very sturdy Sisters if you've been especially naughty. All you need is a little card with various key Dub words written on it in rows, then every time the speaker says that word, you cross it out. Once you have a full line of words, you spring up and shout "BULLSH*T!"
It's great fun.
On a personal note, the best 21st birthday present of all for me yesterday was the 5th Estate. Great job guys! GO LAMBS GO!
[SYN], Not Attending The Conventions This Year Class.