I just thought I'd amuse myself by seeing what madness awaits in the new 2013 Yearbook.
You might like to read some of the gems I've uncovered...
"True Christians are soon to cross into the promised new world, so they need to be courageous and strong." (page 2)
How soon are we talking about? Are we talking "soon" soon, or "the generation that saw the events of 1914 will live to see Armageddon" soon?
"Whatever situation you may face, be assured that if you are courageous, strong, and faithful, Jehovah will be with you to make you victorious." (page 2)
WHATEVER situation? What happened to time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all? Can I be victorious in surviving a plane crash if I am courageous, strong and faithful?
"Happily, Jehovah does not force us to serve him. He is not a dictator. He wants us to serve him out of love from our heart." (Letter from the Governing Body, page 4)
I'm glad you've clarified that point for me guys. My Dad threatening to shun me if I leave the organization must just have been a misunderstanding.
"Within the Christian congregation, we clearly understand the matter of free will. While elders are authorized to counsel and even to discipline, they do not seek to dominate or to control the life or faith of others. (Letter from the Governing Body, page 5)
No, they leave that job to the Governing Body.
"How satisfying it is to do something because we want to do it instead of being forced to do it!" (Letter from the Governing Body, page 6)
Yes, that would be satisfying.
"We love you all very much." (Final words of the Letter from the Governing Body, page 7)
Those are touching sentiments, but it would mean so much more if you guys weren't encouraging my family to shun me if I left your religion.
"Because of the [branch] mergers, brothers who had been serving in small branches can now concentrate on preaching the good news." (page 12)
If the branch mergers are supposed to reduce the size of the bethel families and free up people to preach, why is there over one thousand extra bethelites reported for 2012?
"Beginning with the January 2013 issues, Awake! and the public edition of The Watchtower were reduced from 32 pages to 16 pages. Because the magazines contain less material, translation teams will be able to make them available in more languages." (pages 17,18)
Stoopid translation teams not translating fast enough. Now we need to halve the pages in our public magazines to compensate for their laziness!!
"On Sunday, June 3, 2012, there was a tragic air disaster in Nigeria. A plane carrying 153 persons crashed in a crowded suburb of Lagos, Nigeria’s largest city, killing all on board and an unknown number on the ground. Collins Eweh and his family lived on the top floor of the three-story apartment building that was hit by the plane.When the accident occurred, the family was attending a congregation meeting at the Kingdom Hall." (page 29)
153 people die in a plane crash, but (hold the front page) a family of Jehovah's Witnesses survived by not being in the building the plane crashed into. I do love happy endings.
On a serious note - remember to attend meetings folks! Failure to attend may lead to death in a plane accident.
"We have truly seen Jehovah’s hand in our case. I am very happy." (page 30)
...said the Daddy of the family who survived the plane crash. It is reassuring to know that their survival was thanks to "Jehovah's hand."
“I’m so happy to see my son get baptized as a man.” (The happy ending to an article entitled "A Transvestite Makes Changes," pages 57,58)
He made one change too many if you ask me.
"To encourage him, the brother studying with him opened the Bible and explained in sign language: 'Your name, Samuel, is in the Bible. The Samuel in the Bible served the true God, Jehovah, until he was very old. You too can faithfully obey Jehovah.'" (From the amusingly entitled article "A Cult Member Finds the Truth," page 60)
So what if your name is Judas?
"When Nihad greeted him, the man said: “Excuse me, I noticed a magazine in your car with the title, ‘How to Be a Good Father.’ I would really like to have a copy." (From an article entitled "The Title Intrigued Him," page 65)
Nihad is clearly very easily intrigued.
“I couldn’t put the chocolate in the contribution box, so I ate it,” (From an article entitled "No Chocolate for the Contribution Box," page 67)
You clearly gave up too easily.
"How heartwarming to know that even on remote islands where there is no television, radio, newspaper, or Internet, our literature is helping people to learn the truth in their mother tongue!" (page 76)
Yes, getting pulled into a cult in an internet-free zone. What are the chances of that happening?