My last topic was 4 months ago about the 2 months of downers I'd gone through. So here I am into 6 months of it. I have gone through so much in such a short space of time. I have been suicidal, to the point of setting the date, the how and writing 2 letters. The only reason I didn't go through with it was that my gran (the one who lost her son to cancer) had a mini stroke, she recoved and then 2 weeks later while out with her collapsed and I thought she had died in my arms. I couldn't put my gran through anything traumatic right now.
I faced 2012 with such optimism, with such hope and unfortunately it turned out that the new job I had applied for in the interview and what transpired in reality were two very different things! I had been pretty much conned and I felt extremely disappointed in myself, I felt and still to some degree feel like an utter complete idiotic failure. So jaded with people (that most really don't give a shit, no matter how it effects you)
So at nearly 36 and for the first time in my adult life I do not have a permanent job. I have fortunately found some temp work for the next 4 weeks. There after I have nothing. For the first time in my life I have to watch ever single cent. Something so foreign to me.
I have lost the spark of life. There is nothing that "wows" me.
I started googling about stuff and eventually came across volunteering. It's in Uganda and with children. For the first time in about 2 years I felt a little stirring in my heart. I'm going to try raise the funds to go and volunteer for as long as I can.
Another huge self discovery - I know longer believe in god! I do not believe in a creator exists out there that cares about the human race. I don't even believe that the universe works towards bring you what you want (the secret) All there is is you. That is it. You are the only one that can open doors, create opportunities. You and the decisions you make.
The belief in god ... for me anyway ... is to make the masses feel good about a shit situation or blessed about a good one. I couldn't even watch a movie called "Letters to God" It made me feel physically ill. The shit that sprouted from this movie ""You are chosen by god to have cancer. You are a warrior" REALLY?????? What people will say to make another feel better **shrug** I'm so over all those lies.
As for the world - hell I'm quite prepared to believe in the big bang theory - at that specific time, conditions were ripe and right for live to evolve - a gazillion to one chance that it would. Better than believing in fairy tales that give you false hope.
As for the weightloss - man it's been an up and down journey. Planning on going more down again as I have renewed energy in light of the volunteering work that I'm hoping to get into.
So that is me: athiest & jobless
Got to laugh, albeit extremely cynically, otherwise I'd just cry.