Since I have been putting all of my personal demons out there for everyone to read, I figure I might as well continue. As was covered before, I have in the past tried to gain self-esteem through other people. It has been most notable in relationships or potential relationships. As a person that had always struggled to love myself, I had a desperate need to feel loved by someone else. Like that could help me get over feelings of inadequacy!
Usually, relationships started with someone being obvious that they were interested in me, or someone telling me that they are. I can honestly say that I rarely ever sought a relationship because I initiated it. I ended up being so stunned and flattered at the attention, that I fell in love too hard and too fast.
Things usually would start out with fireworks and all the other trapping of new love, but then they would burn out after 3-4 months. I normally would throw myself into it 100%, and the other person would tend to back off. So I try to do more, and it would have negative results. I had trouble understanding this until my recent epiphany.
I desperately sought love in a relationship, but that is not a turn on. I have had one experience like that go the other way years ago, and I am beginning to learn how this works.
There is a woman that moved to my state, where her relatives had relocated. We had some mutual friends, so I asked her out. I wasn't seeking anything other than someone to hang out with. I asked her to a home show, where we both knew contractors that had exhibit homes. We went to it, and then had a nice dinner. That was it.
One week later I have friends telling me that she wants to get married and stay in my area. She told my friend that she would stay if she could get a job making $13 an hour, or if I would marry her.
Let's just say, that really shriveled my dick. So I tried to let her down easy, saying nice things, the it's not you it's me sort of thing. It did not go over well at all! She just kept trying harder and harder. One day she said I had promised to fix her remote control for her TV. I did say I could fix it on our first date, so I told her I would come over and do it.
When I get there, she had already put her daughter to bed, and had on the skimpiest little kimono that left nothing to the imagination. I was just there to fix the remote. It freaked me out that someone was so needy and clingy. And even though she was an attractive woman, it was not a turn on the way she acted.
It is hard for me to believe, but I ended up turning into that type of person. That would not take rejection gracefully. Always trying harder to make things work out. Desperately clingy, the thought of the way I became makes me want to puke! And now that I have a modicum of self worth, I am never going to be pathetic about love again.
I would like another shot at it someday, but only with someone that wants that love. And I will not strangle that love to death if it is reciprocated. There is a huge difference between wanting to be loved, and NEEDING to be loved.