JW boyfriend, the sequel

by SEL 17 Replies latest social relationships

  • SEL

    Almost a year ago I made a few posts here about how much effort I ought to put into getting a man I loved considerably out of the WT. By that point I had already put in a lot of effort and accumulated a nice collection of books on the WT, on cults, on Bible chronology. Then I finally gave up and decided to leave.

    We kept in pretty regular touch until last fall, when I moved a neat twelve time zones away. I found out recently that he had gotten married two months ago after a JW-style courtship, though he doesn't yet know that I know. We had talked on Skype two weeks before his wedding. He spoke of his now-wife as one of a handful of JW girls who happened to fancy him at the moment. In our last conversation, I tried to find some change in him that might clue one in that he's newlywed, but there was none. He's finally married to a proper Witness girl, one sharing his goal of eventually serving full-time, and he still won't present himself as married in all spheres of his life.

    As someone who has never married before, I'm not sure what constitutes normal newlywed behavior. I've always had the idea that newlyweds are supposed to be quite happy and in love with their new partners, and this phase is supposed to last, say, at least a few months before and after the wedding. What kind of person looks up flights to see a former love who's halfway around the world ("What if I were to fly to -- with a ring and we get married in --?"), two weeks before he's due to wed? Isn't a married man not supposed to have the urge to say "I love you" to an ex mere weeks after his wedding, or at least repress that urge if he has it? Discovering that he got married gave me a moderate shock (though anticlimactic compared to other things I've had to find out on my own, like that he was raised a JW), but he ought to at least be considerate to his wife, if to no one else.

    This seems absurd even for a JW marriage.

  • St George of England
    St George of England

    Just breath a sign of relief that's it's not you he married.


  • Witness 007
    Witness 007

    Yeah you should move on! He's trouble anyway. Find a nice "normal" guy.

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    If I read that right ... he's looked for you and said "I love you" just a few weeks after his marriage (which he doesn't mention)...then things are clearly not right.

    First I would get concrete confirmation that he is indeed married (i.e it went ahead) if you have only got one source or 3rd hand info then do this 1st.

    After that then I would confront him over his behaviour. If he doesnt come clean or back off then I would out his behaviour to his wife.

  • skeeter1

    Young Jehovah's Witness brothers can easily live double lives. They have since they were children. Abhoring Christmas and Birthdays with their JW set, yet partying (outwardly or inwardly) when the JW set is gone. At puberty, I knew of one fellow who did really well living a double life. He screwed alot of JW women. They were falling all for him. When it wasn't book study night, he'd "hook up" with one of them. They'd do anything to try to snare him.

    I knew another guy who went back to the Truth to get laid like crazy, by both single and married sisters! Your ex-beau bragging to you about all the JW women who were fawning over him, tells me that he's there for the sex. Quickly, they will marry a sister as they are afraid of getting caught. Perhaps this sister screwed him, and threatened that if he didn't marry her . . she'd have to go to the elders. Even married, brotehrs still have affairs under the table.

    Be super happy you let that crazy fish go. Go find you a normal man in the world without these hangups.


  • ABibleStudent

    Hi SEL, Why don't you ask him if he is married. If he says yes, then confront him about how you feel about him calling you.

    I know that it will be hard for you, but the best thing for you to do is tell him to stop calling you. It is impossible for JWs, who absolutely believe that the WTBTS knows the "Truth", to be friends with non-JWs, because JWs believe in ConLove and not unconditional love. Friends listen to each others opinions because they respect each other, and encourage each other to excel. JWs are taught to look down on non-JWs and to fear disagreeing with the WTBTS.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • talesin

    To use an old expression, you really 'dodged a bullet'. Just think, you could be that wife, and he could be Skyping someone else. I hope you are enjoying life in the new time zone (halfway around the world, you must be having a fab time), and all the best!


  • diana netherton
    diana netherton

    Incredible...sounds like he's keeping his options open. What a mess. You're lucky

    you're 12 time zones away...you dodged a bullet on that one.

  • Ding

    Count your blessings and move on!

  • Jim_TX

    Ummm... why not just turn the tables on him. Tell him that you've just recently met someone, and are engaged to be married.

    Or better, tell him that you are already married.

    A lie? Yes. But if he's lying to you... can it hurt? It may get rid of him.

  • tiki

    the guy sounds very immature and lacking in loyalty...

  • moshe

    What a messed up guy, which is what everyone said to expect. You made the right choice!

  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises

    Yep, he sounds like a player.

    You deserve better.

  • carla

    You could always write to Bethel and ask them about his behavior.

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    Block him and move on. I dated a guy way back in college who went home over the semester break and got married. He didn't bother to tell me, but someone else clued me in before I saw him after school started up again. I told him that I wasn't going to be a side piece, no matter the situation, and he should just stop calling me. He tried calling me a few more times, but I wasn't playing that game.

  • zeb

    another witness mommys boy. He doesnt know what he wants. Its a fair thought thatits his mother who picked the child bride for him and is makingn it all happen. Pray she is on the pill if she knows what that is.

  • rebel8

    A lot of the young dubs I knew/know regarded marriage not much differently than I imagine people who have arranged marriages do. It was more like shopping for a car, finding a vehicle that was in reasonable proximity to one's home while having a few features you want. It was just a rite of passage.

    Here though people are not individualistic much. Everyone is the same. People are with the same group of dubs all the time. No differentiation or uniqueness. Therefore the importance of getting to know a future mate is minimal--you're all the same anyway. Just pick one so you can have sex and increase your social standing.

  • Quandry

    I just hope that you'll feel it's JW boyfriend, THE END!

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