In love with a JW... (page 13)

MMXIV

Hi CuriousUK,

Take all the time you need and do take what you've read with a pinch of salt too as we're giving advice and making judgements on the limited words you've written so know very little about you, your friend, the chemistry you have.

The one thing you're getting though is a range of fairly consistent (and blunt) advice on one thing that most here are experts on and that is the teachings and dynamics of the JW organisation and how these scenarios play out. Also experts on what JW's say and what they really mean so by all means ask any questions you want and you'll get a range of experienced answers whenever you need.

The views may also come across as quite serious and far reaching (kids etc) when this should be about enjoying a new relationship and maybe trying something new.

I've known some great JW's, I've had some great times as a JW but then I've had great times in hospital whilst undergoing operations - but it's not somewhere one would choose to be. I've known many more great people who aren't JW's and had much better times out - and I get to choose what i think :-)

take care

mmxiv

Chariklo

It's been hard to hear at times, and even harder to accept what you are all telling me, as wise as it is!

It greatly saddens me, but I realise that I have some exceptionally hard decisions and choices to make with my future, and how to proceed...

I've been thinking about you, CuriousUK, and wondering how things are looking another day on, and whether you've had any response to your emailed questions.

I don't think I'm just speaking for myself here...I think all of us were very aware that what we said, with one voice really, wasn't going to be easy for you to take on board. Everyone knows what it feels like to feel you are in love. Reason is the last thing you want to hear.

But so many people here have been too wounded by the JW's to want to see anyone just walk into it without "telling it like it is."

Anyway, you know that. Just wanted to say I've been thinking about you.

dgp

Curious UK, I trust you won't join. I'm a wordly who was somehow in your shoes.

Knowsnothing

Sorry, I should have added this before... My bloke is 27 and has been through one Witness marriage already. He was married to an American girl and emigrated out there, but the culture shock and lack of work was too great for him and the marriage broke down. He moved back to the UK, and although legally divorced when he was 25 years old, he was not scriptually divorced, so by being with me, he was committing adultery.

He has since been granted a scriptual divorce and his KH "allowed" him to date a JW girl. She sadly suffered with mental health issues and tragically committed suicide just before Christmas. It was around this time that he initially reached back out to me, as he admitted that he had no one else to talk through the way he was feeling. We spent a lot of days texting back and forth around that time, and then he went silent on me again. I don't know why he has contacted me this time, but I did tell him to leave me alone if he wasn't serious about us being together as it was too difficult on me to be in contact with him otherwise.

No one can really tell you what to do. Only give you advice and info on the subject. My opinion? Your bloke seems emotionally unstable. Is this a person you want to get into a serious relationship with (not even mentioning the JW aspect)?

Also, notice the bolded section. If he continues to be a JW, there will be interference from the elders in your marriage, directly or indirectly. As long as his mind is held into this to be the "true religion", there will have to be sacrifices on your behalf. Again, think about how far you are willing to go for this lad that you've only known three weeks.

Getting on with your life now and taking the hit now would probably seem better than suffering down the line..... just my two cents.

jgnat

Hi, CuriousUK. I am a Christian who regularly attends a church, married a Jehovah's Witness who regularly attends his hall. We married knowing full well the consequences of our differing beliefs.

I believe the factors that contribute to our success is a mutual decision not to interfere with the faith of the other. Not that he doesn't try, but I am a special combination of patience, insight, and stubbornness.

I would not subsume my identity for any man.

I will tell you why your man alternately goes cold and hot. He is having fits of conscience over his love for you. He is not supposed to be contacting you. Every once in a while, his heart wins out and he reaches out. He is not being at all fair to you. This behaviour would not change if you married. Do you want a husband who alternately adores you and coldly looks at you like you are the devil?

Our circumstances are very different as my hubby is a very weak Witness. He married me in secret. Then to my dismay, he kept that secret for six months! I brought the whole thing to a head by showing up at the Kingdom hall. That was highly entertaining for me, but a very stressful event for hubby and the elders. The poor elders fumbled through their scriptures and generally made a mess of it. But by marrying on the sly, we followed our hearts and forced the elders to accept me on some level.

The congregation now grits its' teeth and puts on its best hospitality smile to "prove" to me that theirs is the superior life.

I'm not fooled.

dgp

JGNAT has wonderfully expressed in a few words what I personally felt but couldn't find the words to say. I trust that my repeating those words here, with a small change, will highlight their importance:

I would not subsume my identity for any man.

(Change that to "for any person")

The congregation now grits its' teeth and puts on its best hospitality smile to "prove" to me that theirs is the superior life.

I'm not fooled.

Pams girl

A belated welcome to you.

Has he replied to your email yet? He needs to give his attention to your questions.....why hasnt he responded?

I really feel for you. You are clearly a very intelligent and articulate woman, and youve had so much good advice here. I hope it works out for you. You may be in for some heartbreak, but that will heal. He will ALWAYS put them first, and you deserve better.

Best wishes from sunny Wales.....Paula xxx

Chariklo

I can tell that we're all checking in for an update, on the emails and more, because of the way the numbers viewing this thread are goiung up and up, even after it's gone many pages back. I expect many are worrying a bit about you, too, CuriousUK.

Hope you're OK.

MMXIV

Hi CuriousUK,

Hope all is well!

If you want to ask any questions more privately you can always send a note using the envelope in the top right corner - it's does come up with error messages at time so if this happens then hit the back button a few times and it should be fine.

Good luck :-)

mmxiv

CuriousUK

Hello all,

Sorry this has been so long in coming... Been working away without internet and unable to reply....

A confusing update for consideration. I recently was sitting in a grotty hotel with a view of a railway station, and was looking at spending several days back in London on my own without working. The weather report was lovely, so I decided to spend a few days visiting old friends back in my hometown (where my JW lives). I texted him to say that I was going to be visiting, not expecting him to reply. As I was on the last bus back, he texted me back saying that he would meet up with me that afternoon when I arrived - very unexpected. I agreed to meet him in public by the beach for an ice cream, and a chance to ask my questions in person, so that he couldn't dodge me! (He never did reply to the email). He came straight back with an invitation for a drive in the countryside, dinner and a couple of drinks. This was hugely unexpected, especially as it would mean being on our own without a chaperone. And we talked A LOT... but JGNAT above has summed it up so well. It was an amazing day and he was in love with me all over again (we didn't do anything other than hug), but now he is back to not answering my texts...

One thing that he said struck me as odd, and I would like to ask you all about it... He said he had only made a commitment to do FOUR hours a month witnessing door to door... This seemed like very little, but he said it was better to make a commitment for hours achievable, than fail to keep a commitment for more...

Either way, I kept all the good advice in the back of my head whilst we were chatting, and it did help me to ask those questions I really wanted to ask, and not allow my feelings to override my brain listening to what he was actually saying...

Regards

In love with a JW...

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