Dear Member of the Governing Body,
Thanks to you, I did something a few nights ago that I promised I would never do again. I lied to someone. I lied to my SON, and because of that lie, I got to listen to him cry himself to sleep tonight. You see, I am a GREAT liar, thanks to you. Because of your help, I learn how to lie as easily and often as breathing.
You see, I was born into your clenched fist cult to a father that literally used Proverbs and the Law to enforce discipline in his house. When I was 6 and didn't want to go to a meeting, it was time for the belt. When I said I didn't learn anything new at the meeting at 7 because they talked about the same stuff they talk about all the time, I had the opportunity to go get my own switch from the bush outside of the Kingdom Hall to get spanked with for not paying enough attention. So, did I suddenly want to go to meetings? Sure, lie about it, I love them! What did I learn at the meeting? That I can lie and say I learned some regurgitated point I had heard 100 times already? What I was REALLY learning, though, was that lying was the way out of pain.
As I grew older, I have to be honest (that's my new mantra now that I am no longer a JW), I never believed any of the ever changing "truth" that spewed forth from the writing department. It seems sad that, at age 12, I was already realizing that the 1914 calculations based on Daniel were little more than numerology, of that a LOT of things in the Aid book didn't match up with the World Book Encyclopedias I loved to read. But, since all my friends and family were JWs, just lie about it.
I had to go door to door, that was most of the time I ever got to hang out with anyone besides my immediate family, so I just lied to people at the door as if I believed what we were saying. I fake pushed probably 90% of the doorbells I went to.
Because of your shunning policy, I just lied. It was easy. Pain, torment, getting yelled and being threatened, at the ripe old age of 15, of getting kicked out the day I turned 18 or... just tell a lie. Fuck it, no real choice there. So I lied. I learned how to craft perfect lies. I learned how to juggle five different lies to five different people at the same time, I learned how, when caught, to admit to a lesser offense or tell a half truth to cover up the worst of the lie. You see, I had my apprenticeship listening and reading dutifully at the feet of your writing department, and in time, I became a master.
Because I had lied about so many things with barely ever a twing of guilt for so many years, I kept it up. I got baptized when I was almost 18 and my father and the elders suggested I didn't want to be 18 and not baptized, did I? Of course not, too much social pressure, so I lied again and got baptized. Later, because lying was easier than losing my friends and family, I met a girl, liked her a lot and we got married when I was 21, waaaay to young to be doing that. I truly did love her, I didn't lie about that, but about all the JW stuff? Of course I did, that's what I had been doing for 15 years already, it never even crossed my mind not to.
I did a pretty good job of keeping up appearances as a JW, despite never believing a goddamn word of it. I was reading the Watchtower, responsible for a service group, having bookstudy in my house, priviledges in the congregation, heck, I was even placing about 70 magazine a month in my 20 hours of service (easy enough to do when you drop off 30 or 40 in a stack at the bus station every other Saturday and then go to breakfast for the next 3 hours). Heck, I even got caught drunk at the meeting once and lied my way out of that. Notice, I said I only got caught once.
So, what changed that perfect liar, that perfect imitation of yourselves into someone that abhors the thought of it now?
My kids. They changed me. Sure, for a few years after they were born I kept up the appearances. It was easy. But then, something happened. I realized I didn't want them to grow up enslaved to a religion that could cause their family to turn their backs on them. I wanted them to have something I never had, something that was never truly mine. I wanted them to have choice. I began to loathe the thought of lying to them. It started small, like the proverbial redwood seed, but it kept growing and growing. I tried to ignore it, but no matter what I did, it would soon return, the desire for THEM to have choice, stronger than ever.
Even as I was realizing my days of being able to lie effortlessly were coming to an end, my wife became ever more devoted to you. I was told, on many occassions, that the only important thing we could ever do was to make sure the kids became JWs. Eventually I let all my responsibility in the congregations slip. Eventually I started skipping more and more service. I couldn't take the lying anymore. The stress began to know at me.
At some point, I got a DUI, got reproved and lost the ability to answer for almost a year. When I got off the reproof, I just never started again. I did answer once after that, but it was only to correct something someone had said that was factually wrong. On a side note, it is amusing to listen to how many people repeatedly misapply scriptures in their answers. Humorous for what you refer to as the best bibilically educated people in the world.
Anyway, during this time, my wife was digging her heels in. We were growing more distant, I was told many times that if I quit going to meetings, our marriage wasn't worth having because I would be a bad influence on the kids. Not if I got disfellowshipped or cheated on her (which eventually did happen, after about two years of a strained marriage going steadily downhill in the name of JW love), but if I simply quit going to the meetings. As you can imagine, realzing that you are not only not number one with your wife, you're at LEAST number 4 on the list of important things, can put a kink in things.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and told her everything. EVERYTHING. Right then, I resolved never to lie to anyone again. I was going to DA but, after some convincing by a friend that no longer talks to me, I did the judicial comittee. On a side note, it's kind of sad when the elders won't let you use a bible because you are showing them how all of their scriptures are out of context, are cherry picking or just plain the exact opposite of what what the scriptures and test MEANS when they attempt to apply it.
Anyway, back to tonight. My son is being pressured by your hacks at the kingdome hall to talk me back into the meetings. He's being told I will die at Armageddon. He's worried about me. Seriously, what kind of sick fucks do you assholes have working for you that would tell a kid that? Oh, wait, nevermind, these are the same sick fucks that look our for child molesters. Silly of me to ask.
He asks me if I will come to the meetings a few days ago. I do go when either one of my kids have talks, but only because I want to show them I love them. But he wants me to come back because he thinks I will die if I don't in Armageddon, the same Armageddon you said would happen in 1914, 1918, 1924, the 1940's, 1975 and finally before the end of the 20th century.
He was crying, in a moment of weakness I told him I would think about coming every now and then, but in his mind, dad was coming back, going to be a good JW again, mom and dad would get back together and all would be right with the world. I should have ben gentle and firm with him, explained my answer, but I let my love for him overcome my better judgement, as parents are sometimes wont to do.
So now, when he showed up for his time with me this weekend, he had a daily text book, a new bible, song book and magazines and asked me if I was taking him Sunday or dropping him off at his mom's house and then going. I couldn't lie to him this time. I told him the truth, that I didn't beleive and I didn't want to go, that I couldn't go just to make him happy when, in my heart, I felt it wasn't right. I told him that I loved him, that he was more important to me than anything else, but all he could see was that I lied to him.
All he could see was the lie, the lie that came so easily before, that lie that I learned from you. He cried himself to sleep, refusing to hug me because he was hurt and angry and afraid for me all at the same time. We'll see what tomorrow brings, Eventually I hope we can work this out, he's a very passionate person and holds on to things for a long time, but, after all, he is my son and we love each other. Unless, of course, you get to him first and make him believe your lie that obeying you is more important than talking to me.
So, to sum up, you pathethic, vile, wretched, putrid lying excuses for human beings, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself right in the ass with a red hot fire poker.