If you had controlling parents

by mrsjones5 23 Replies latest social family

• 

  mrsjones5

  I just finished reading this book:

  

  I thought it was good and aptly described the why and how reasons for my parental units' really messed up parenting styles. I'm posting this so that others on this board who have controlling parents (there seems to be a lot of us here who do) have another resource to go to in order figure this stuff out, move on and feel better about ourselves.

  This is a little bit of what's in the book and there's a link to a related site at the end:

  TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

  When you were growing up, your parents...

  1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

  2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

  3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them

  4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

  5. Violated your privacy

  6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you

  7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

  8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities

  9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others

  10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

  If your parents were controlling, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

  From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserv ed.

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  TEN SIGNS YOUR PARENTS MAY STILL CONTROL YOU

  Even today as an adult, you...

  1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

  2. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

  3. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

  4. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

  5. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

  6. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

  7. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

  8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

  9. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

  10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

  If your parents still try to control you, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

  From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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  TEN SIGNS EARLY UNHEALTHY CONTROL MAY STILL AFFECT YOU

  In your adult life, you...

  1. Feel perfectionistic, driven, or rarely satisfied

  2. Feel intimidated or easily angered around controlling people

  3. Lose yourself in relationships by automatically putting others' needs first

  4. Find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous

  5. Feel as if you are under scrutiny even when no one else is around

  6. Have an eating disorder or addictive behaviors

  7. Have trouble finding a spiritual belief that feels right

  8. Expect others to hurt, judge, or take advantage of you

  9. Have harsh "inner critics"

  10. Have trouble asserting yourself or feeling proud of your accomplishments

  If early control is still affecting you, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

  From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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  TEN SIGNS YOU MAY BE OVERCONTROLLING YOUR CHILDREN

  In raising your children, you...

  1. Micromanage their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

  2. Give affection as a reward but withdraw it as punishment

  3. Criticize your children far more than you praise them

  4. Violate your children's privacy

  5. Override, discount or ridicule your children's strong emotions

  6. Forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you

  7. Are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting

  8. Believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love

  9. See your children's desires for independence and autonomy as a personal rejection

  10. Inflict physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse on your children

  If you are concerned you are overcontrolling your children, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

  From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

  http://www.controllingparents.com/P.S. There is also a cult paradigm to this subject in the book.
• 

  snowbird

  I can see my mother and a lot of myself in there.

  Thanks.

  Syl
• 

  mrsjones5

  You're welcome Syl

  According to the book there are eight parenting styles of control. My mother seems to be a combination of 5 (depriving, cultlike, chaotic, abusing and using) and my father is about 2 of them (depriving and perfectionistic) but lately he's aquired a new one - cultlike . The styles are below:

  Nearly all controlling parents embody one or more of the eight "styles" of controlling parenting. These styles provide a "You Are Here" point on the map of unhealthy control. Identifying your parents’ styles can help you make sense of what didn’t jibe in your family. Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most clearly? Recognizing your parents’ styles offers the right lens that brings into focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more clearly you view your family’s themes, the more readily you can become your own person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either or both of your parents:

  Smothering Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

  Depriving Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

  Perfectionistic Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionistic parents drive their children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order, prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

  Cultlike Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children accobding to rigid rules and roles.

  Chaotic Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and bewildering communication.

  Using Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others’ gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

  Abusing Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When they’re enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them accordingly.

  Childlike Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves, encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling through role-reversal.

  http://www.controllingparents.com/stylesof.htm

  P.S. I'm sorry if the type is smaller. I can't seem to change it but the same information is on the link.
• 

  Married to the Mob

  Wow

  I can tick off everyone in the top box, almost everything in the next 2!

  No kids yet so can't comment on that!
• 

  snowbird

  In the case of my mother, it was role reversal.

  She made me feel responsible for her.

  I still have feelings of guilt that she died, that somehow I should have saved her.

  Syl
• 

  St George of England

  TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

  So how did you know my mam & dad?

  George
• 

  Pika_Chu

  Oh, IF...? My parents are CRAZY, Mrs. Jones!
• 

  mrsjones5

  I hear ya Pika Chu, mine are too.
• 

  jamiebowers

  It seems to me that parents who are in a cult would consider the first list as a checklist for proper parenting.
• 

  mrsjones5

  I have to say that my parents were/are a prime example of every one on the first list.