Thank you guys so much. I'm sure most of you went through what I went through. The guilt, the self doubts, the pain that I was hurting God, all those things most people feel when leaving a cult. I knew if I stayed I'd be very unhappy and depressed. I found out how much they really cared about me as one of their flock, that mainly drove me from them and was my eye opener.
I was really sick for a long time. I was diagnosed. depressed, chronic fatigue, but what I really had was chronic EBV, which I contracted from one of the elders wives. The poor thing was guilted into going out witnessing when she was feeling horrible and lucky me, I caught it. We were both adults, and if you get it when your young, no big deal, it's like the flu for a few days, 99% of the population has it, most get it by college age. But as an adult, it can be really bad. I was sleeping 22 hours a day and feeling like I hadn't slept in months, it's hard to describe if you've never had it. I was so weak, and forgetful, I actually at one point couldn't read. I was misdiagnosed as depressed at first and they wanted me to exercise, which could have killed me, I later found out. I felt like I ran a 20 mile marathon just walking to the bathroom. I spent over $2500 in copays trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally went back to my old family physician who ran the right blood test and told me I was the highest titer he ever saw. I was really bad for 2 years, sleeping around 18-20 hours a day, most days. It was about the third year I got the correct diagnosis. I was told not to exercise as it could kill my liver and to do nothing but rest for 6 months. Who can do that, but when I finally did let go and relax instead of trying to do what I could during the few hours a day I was awake, it really helped. It's been a long time since then, and I'm about 80% on a good day. My friend who is a pain management nurse talked to some doctors about me, since it's been years and I was wondering if I would ever be 100% again, sometimes I'm down to 30%. She told me I'm lucky I'm doing as well as I am, some people never get past 30%, some actually die.
I often wonder if the Jw's, like the Muslim suicide bombers, believe to die in Jehovah's service is the ticket to the holy land. They always touted stories about people who crossed crocodile filled rivers to make it to a meeting, or had some other near death encounter or actually died. As I said, very few people stayed home who were sick. If the elders wife had stayed home, I wouldn't have lost so much of my quality of life. Not only was I having horrible guilt from not attending meetings, but fighting doctors as well, who wanted to put me on Prozac or tranquilizers. Tranquilizers, heck I was sleeping 20 hours a day as it was. Without energy, trust me, it's not easy to even think, let alone fight. They told me to do things that I really enjoyed. I'd have to push myself to go camping with my non-JW friends and I'd end up sleeping the whole time. Whatever the EBV does, it also does something to your memory. I can't remember barely anything of those trips I went on. Friends would tell me something I did, I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I finally had to give it up, it was killing me.
Needless to say everything went downhill, and I have to tell you, it takes energy to be hospitable. I'd try to do a study and be weak and shaking when I left. Being misdiagnosed for a long time, and you don't look sick with EBV, you only feel it, so the witnesses thought I was playing hooky. I was constantly being told I was weak in the faith. The pioneer that was coming over once a week to study with me , because I was actually getting lost driving a short distance, told me she couldn't do it anymore, as I wasn't making an effort. I can't tell you how that made me feel, I thought she was my friend, I didn't know if I did something wrong against God and was having a Job type punishment. But no kindness.
My house went to heck and yet others, not the pioneer would want to come over. It was hard enough for me to allow this one person that I felt close to, to come in, and again, the more stress, the more energy drain. I was in bed as usual and the grand poobah, I forget what they call them, the big wig that comes every so often came with one of the elders to my house. This was after I couldn't take it any more, it was taking too much out of me, and I requested to be left alone. I was tired period, but also tired of feeling guilty, sad, depressed, you name it.
My husband told them I wasn't feeling good which was an understatement, and they kept pressing him. He had no problem telling them where to go, since in the beginning they hijacked me to hijack him into a study. My husband was really mad about that. They left me alone after that for a while, but every so often would drive up. I only know because my husband would go out and tell them politely, "no thanks."
So during this time of extreme exhaustion, I had to go through all these feelings and emotions, which I think helped set me back, and it's a long road back to recovery, both physically as well as mentally.
My mother always said she didn't trust any organized religion, I know why from her end, but I think like someone said, she's a smart lady. I will do a pm if I get to a point where I think I need some help. I think I will take this journey alone for a while, maybe like many of you say, it will bring me to what I have been searching for, when I first invited the witnesses in many years ago, to find God, the God that I yearned to learn about when I was 4 years old, the God of love, the caring, feeling God, the one of comfort, who takes the burden off, not puts it on. I never felt that God during the time I studied with the JW's, I hope I can find him now.
This site has been so helpful, it's great to know that I am not alone, and that others have successfully transitioned from the guilt back to God again and have found peace and happiness. I am going to read Romans and Galations. I've read the whole bible, but it's been a while, I'm sure I will see it with fresh eyes. I will keep looking in on this site, it is comforting.