From An Oxy-Delirious Fly-on-ear ( Part 1)
By Hairtrigger
I gonna tell one of my adventures on the circuit. But first I gotta say ,what in Uncle Sam hell is this country comin to? Look on any side and you got drug pushers –skinny, skeleton and slut; prostitutes -male and regular; child molesters –JW’s, catholics and secular; terrorists- male and irregular; suicide bombers- male, pale and exploded ; ISIS supporters- male, email and female; Syria and Iraq -desert–sand—ISIS’ homeland; Israel and Palestine–our-holy-land-bash-ems Vs. Hamas’ kassams; Putin and Ukraine; Republicans and Obama; Fox news and CNBC! Japanese journalists decapitated; Jordanian pilot barbequed. I tell ya this whole world just gone doggone crazy-nut-lunatic! Piss-mad hog, pumpkin- seed bananas, bat -shit insane!! I ain’t shittin ya believe me.
Just the other day it was cold, overcast, wet, with a biting breeze tossing a freeze that would turn a nuke’s mushroom into a sorry snowman. Me and bro. Mcdorf were Lewis and Clarkin’ an unknown street, down San Diego way, knockin on wood, except we got nobody to home so we just amblin along, with him talkin about how Jeehovah gonna cure all them ills and me noddin my head and thinking “ No shit! You must be the just- now -newly -anointed by- a –blindin -blaze- of- light Saul; to have gotten all this dope beamed into your cranium direct by big Jake. What did it christen you? McDork? ” Meanwhile the icy ass wind kept flappin my coat tails all over my back . All this, with my eyeballs nearly afloat on a bladder jam! With the nearest Starbucks a ten minute drive away.
Now this Mcdorf is a sometimes CO and special pioneer who’s never gotten married – don ax me how- but they gave in ta him cause his dad and mom served in bethel and knew somebody up top! Rumor has it he gotten himself into a philandering scandal, and hopped outta Lima two jumps ahead a Peruvian machete. That machete being two jumps shy of gelding him! Why? Don ax me. That now, is a secret between McDorf and his seven mental dwarfs up in NY or Wakhill or Warwick or wherever the dam heck they are stashing all the loot they get from us dum sheep. Well, what I do know is, he sure is a willie wanker! Ask me how I know? Look at the back of an unmarried brothers hands. If his veins sticks out when he isn’t exerting himself he’s a Polly Shafter!! And McDorf’s hands? His veins stick out like they are oil pipelines running from Canada to Mexico! He sure is regular scum; having said that I gotta give it to the man – he looks kinda elegant, rich and all the women, married, unmarried, young and old find him attractive. He always get invited to dinners and get-togethers and such like .But he full of himself with his pimped up tags, snakeskin cowboy boots, and fancy Caddy .
Sooo…. We doin the walk of the lame, a.k.a. the pioneer walk, when we came upon a big door. Maybe cedar , mabe oak or maybe jus good ole Doug.Fir. Who knows; I ain’t debating doors- and bro McDorf sez ,”I’m gonna get this one “
And I’m thinkin ’That ain’t no cute little Andean skirt Mr. salt-shaker! Whach yu gonna do? Rasputin the dam keyhole? ” But all I sez iz,” Go get em preacher”, wondering who the hell he gonna get? He’s a bit quick –on-the-shout bein from down on South; Prob’ly nail couple o’ echos in the empty house with his words cause he shoots–from-the-lip.?”
Anyways he just upped and knocked and after about two knocks and one door bell –ringing- five minutes later , out comes an Asian gen’lman .
Mcdorf goes into his “Good mornin’ sir. We are in the neighborhood bringing a very important message “, routine…..
“ Oh! Thank you. You postman.”
Mcdorf gives me a look and turns back to the genlemun, “ No sur we ain’t postmen. We are here to bring you a lifesaving message.”
“Life danger? Teololist attack again?” He looked concerned with his small eyes alarm clock wide.
“ No, no no terrorist attack, no postman. No danger. We are here to…..
I decided to help a bit and chimed in ,” Bro. McDorf, him and me and all the others,” pointing to the other dubs down the street,” doin your street today are jeehovahs witnesses”.
“ G.Hoba garbage truck company. Vely good. Cleaning the stleetnesses?”
We look at each other one more time and think “ we gonna be at this all day”.
“ No . No cleaning street . My name is McDorf, this is my colleague Watters . Whats your nam sur?”
My name Ting- Hong Chen. I no leeve this house”.
“ Oh! Who’s asking you to leave?”?
“ I no leeve. This my relative house”.
“So which is your house?
“My house? China house.”
We look around to spot a china house, but nope, all of them built regular just ole Doug fir, drywall and drippin wet.
“ So who lives here?”
“ My family. They notta holme now. Gone londermat”.
“ Oh ! doing Saturday laundry? We understand.”
“ No they buy londermat”.
“ Of course. Good ole’ Chinese enterprise. So where is your china house”?
“ In China”.
Idiot! We finally saw the light.“ So when did yu come to America”?
“Two day gone ”.
“ How long yu gonna be here”?
“ Six month long“.
Oh! Great . Where did you learn to speak English?”
“ I take crash course on flying plane . What you ? Job interview?. Write my bibliography?” The asian genulmen seemed peeved while McDorf went sunset around his antennas .
“Oh! No…no sorry if that seemed rude ! We are amazed at your fluency in the language. Actually we in the neighborhood axin de neighbors some simple questions about life.”
“ Neighbor gon kun foo”.
“ Kun Foo? Could you say that in English sur.
“ Kun foo ..ehhh.how yu say Englis?..Hmmmn..Oh! work hard “. “ Both left and right. Also backside neighbor and …”
“ When I said neighbor I means you.”
“I not neighbor . I leeve in China. Here for 6 month”.
McRushin now goes sarcastic ‘ We got that the first time.”
“ No. Fifth time. I come every six month.”
“ So you are no stranger to America.
“ Amedecan stalange countlee. People knock on door in cold wet molning and ask stalange koestion.
“ Believe me suh we ain’t here to ask questions but to answer some important ones. Important to all our lives.”
“Good! Thank you. Now I go in do impoltant wok also. Wok hard to clean. Impoltant to my familee life”
“Oh thank yu suh for that intel. We, too, work hard at doing Gawd’s work.
“ Guard work? You also Private seculity co.?”
“ No. No Security company. JEE- HOVAH’s Witnesses”.
‘ G. Hoba . Hokay. Witenlesses?” G.Hoba Garbage truck company or Distlict Attolney ?
“ No sir. Someone greater than all District Attorneys.”
“ Oh! He chief CIA.”
Good guess but NO . That sur is the Holy name of G-O-D!
“ You call god by name?”.
‘That name is what he wants us to call him by .”
“What his fust name”?
‘ He don’t have a first name. Just Jeehovah.”
“Why then you putting G in front of Hoba?”
“There is no G. in front of Hoba. Just Jeehovah. One name.”
“Jest one minute,” he sez and jumps into the house. I look around and spot sister Denise Milton. She’s got what it takes to get a brother’s pupils reach ten times its normal size . She waves and I wave back, but, I knows she ain’t waving at lowly me but at the philandering sumbitch McDorf. She about 23 and McDorf about 49 . But that sumbitch … The chinaman come back out and he holdin a bottle that sez “Jovan Musk”.
“ I also got god bottle”?
McDorf turns a little more sundown around the ears. He on a short leash now and the chinaman about to commit suicide.
“ That’s NOT..sorry not..not god’s bottle”.
“I know. My bottle. But got your god name”.
Our god’s name is J-E-H-O-V-A-H..Jeehovah. Not Jovan.
“ Oh! I thinking this same”.
“No that’s the name of an .. “ he takes the bottle and turns it around in one hand, “lets see…an after shave lotion.
“ You like ? I sell fo 5 dollar. Velly good . You buy.”
“ No thank you. We appreciate your kindness but we would like to talk to yu about the situation in the world .. do yu think the world is getting better or worse “.
China communis govt. good for discipline . No good for flee think . Tinaman Square flee think. Amedeca democlacy . Good for flee think. But too much quarrel up Russia . But China fix eblything.”
“ Oh o.k. glad to know how yu free think . But do yu think China would be able to get rid of all problems the world is facing today?”
“ 20 years back China 3rd worl cuntlee. Today China number 1 in first worl cuntlee .Soon China take over worl and make Amedeca safe? No mo tellorist. No more waa. No more ploblems. China new worl supapowa fix eblything ”.
“ Oh. Thats good for China but that’s not what we are axin?”
“ Yu jus now axin. I jus now answering. You comedian? Just now yu ask. Now yu say yu not askin? I answer already. How many time I answer question? You garbage truck company or FVI wata boading gestapo?
“ We’re sorry if we are bothering you with our questions. I assure you that was not what we had in mind. We are publishers of these magazines that we have…” McDorf darts his hand in a quick draw into his satchel and flashes the usual ass wipe monthlys.
“ Oh! How many multitasking you do ? Garbage truck co. Distlict attorney genurul and also journalis. Which journalis you ?”
Oh not journalists. We only distribute magazines published by the Watchtower and Bible Tract society.
Published by magazine to build watchtower society. Oh! Also yu build watchtower? Like Big Ben in Londom?
No. No. We don’t build no tower. We offer…
“ Just now yu say watchtower buy hill track society now yu say no. Stalange how you double dip in cookie jar…do double talk . How Native American say? no..no..yes I catch sparrow now …. that fork tongue-poking-the hanging lip . Giving run around. Let the yes be yes and the no’s be no. You read Byvel? I read Byvel and that say in Byvel.
“ That’s what we are talking about. The bible?
“Again poke out two tongue in cheek full of cactus? Just now you talk build Big Ben .Now yu say yu talk Byvil. No Big Ben in Bybel. No G. Hoba in Byvil. Only jeesas.
”You are right . NO..No Big Ben in Bible ….But Jehovah is the father. Father of Jesus and all men. He has promised us a beautiful future , and his word, the bible, is a witness to his great promise.”
Just now you saying you are G. Hobas witenless. Now you saying his word is witenless. How he not with you and speak one tongue? You bring his word to witenless? He dead? Who kill G.Hoba?
“ No .No. No. He ain’t dead. No one killed anyone. McDorf now goes into sign language, first pointing to himself and then his finger makes a kind o’ circle pointing finally to the sky,” We are HIS witnesses.”
Roaming camera with helichoppa? Good FVI. Oh attempt to kill only ? Yu look for witnelesses?
Bro. McDorf now wipe his forehead with tissue, swallow hard , his adam’s apple going yo-yo in his throat and looked at his boots and tried to compose his thoughts. I took out a casual piece of gum and began chewing the cud. This was getting to be classic. Intense even. In all the excitement I’d forgotten about takin that piss!
“ I no see anybody attempt to kill nobody. So no can help yu gentalmans. You also plain cloth police?
“WE ARE FREAKIN JEHOVAHS… sorry no. no freakin…. just Jehovahs Witnesses.” McDorf was fighting for control. He wanted to get this door dun fas but this dude warn’t helpin. He was hopin to get to Ms.Milton’s side and charm her with jim dandy talk and fake smile and sumerbitchin…
“ I heard fust time . Why you repeat over? You gotted bad memory? Eat fish oil. Good for bad memory.
I GOTTED BAD memory?….NO . NO. I DON’T GOT NO BAD MEMORY.
“ Why you shout loudly? You talkin me or neighbor gone kun foo?
“Sorry didn’t mean to talk loudly…”, he pointed to a couple of bikers revving up their bikes, “..just couldn’t hear myself speak.
You got ear problem also? I do acupuncta. You wantin to acupuncta ealdlum?
No thank you . Can we offer you a magazine. We have some in Chinese.
Oh You sell magazine for build watchtowa? Collect donation? In Chinese? Please showa me magazine.
McDorf quickly dives into his leather sack and pulls out a magazine in one of ‘em Asian scripts.
“ No Chinese That Kolean. ”
No Wait . I think I got them mixed up.” He pulls out another one.“ See this one is Chinese”
“ That Mandalin. I Cantonese”.
Sumbitch McDorf’s face was orange chicken now.
“ We’ll drop by again and bring you some in Cantonese”, was all he could manage what with the dew drops moistening his forehead.
“Why you not do acupuncta”. Come in and I finish in short time only. No wait long for you”.
“ We have to be moving along. Visit your neighbors”.
I tol you not listen good. Neighba gone kun foo. I fly chicken. come”
You what?
“ See yu got ear ploblem. I say I fly chicken. Kantak.
“ Your chicken flies and can talk?
“ No you not understand. I fly chicken like fellow with beard. Captain Lobert .E .Lee? NO..No..Captain Ahab..no..no…or maybe sergeant somethink. He from Kantak.
We talkin about a person or a chicken.. from Kansas?
No ..no…great person he from Kantak. He weaa eye glass. Pointy beard. We have in China. Many shop in Beijing and Shanghai and…
I suddenly saw the light ,” You speakin of Kentucky frIed chicken?
That it. You good fellow . You quickly catch flying monkey. That what I say all along KANTAK … only I not add eeeeee. Fogot …eeeeee
“And the gentleman’s name happens to be Colonel Sanders.”
The asian genulman looked at McDorf in disbelief and then from one to the other before he went“ In Amedecan amed fose.. the cook .. after learn to fly chicken prolomote to Colonel?”
“ What do you mean?’
He cook in army . Fly chicken. How he get title Colonel?
“ Colonel Sanders was an officer during the American Civil War. From 1776-1781”
Aah ! He fight American waa of independence?
He didn’t fight in the American war Of independence. It was the Civil War.”
“ Yu mans speaking through back of helmet. Say just now, just now, you say 1776-1781. Yes ? No?”
“ Yes”
“Then that Waa of Independence”. Fight British not Sybil ?”
McDorf looked at me confused and doubtful. And a little flustered! “ Bro. Watters do you recall anything about the Civil War?
“ Yup. It was From 1861 to 1865.” I said a bit surprised at his fog headedness.
Mr. Chen. My mistake . You are right. WOI 1776-1781. But Colonel Sanders fought in the Civil war. 1861-1865.
“ That what I say. But you no hear? You come inside have fly chicken, and I do acupuncture. Make deaf ear alright ! I no charge for fly chicken.
“Thank you , you are very kind but we have other houses to go to. “
“Oh! Alright! Thank you. Hope you find witenlesses you look for in neighbor –gone –kun foo - house. I go in now and fly more leg and Thai! oh beg pardon! Cook to Colonel whistling Dixie turn Kantakeeee fly chicken!!”
And with that mixed-gun salute the Asian genulman closed the big red door and escaped into its confines while McDorf polished his cheeks some more to stop looking like yesterday.
“Now this is what the society don’t train us for”, was his educated opinion after we started perambulating to the next door. ” What they should do is include these off beat encounters in the Thursday ministry school agenda, to enable us to train for such close encounters with the third world kind. Not to say it’d do much good being as the gentleman can’t be moved by anything – for all our door knocking on his spirituality.
“ I guess,“ was my desultory reply,“ they are unaware of Witnesses where he comes from. Moreover, his English wasn’t up to comprehension.”
“ I guess. He seemed totally confused with god’s name. What’s with the society giving out that the preaching work in China is underground and hush- hush but “progressing” ? Couldn’t be reaching many people. You heard him mention Beijing and Shanghai. They know of KFC but no Jehovah!”
“ Well, we have to wait on Him to speed up the work as promised.” He didn’t sense the skeptical in my voice.
“ Oh yes! Definitely Matt. All in His time. But I hope it happens soon. Because the big A, and I don’t mean NY, is just waiting to happen. Around the corner,so to speak. Only hope two billion people don’t bump into it while turning that angle depending on acupuncture for protection? Imagine him weave his way to salvation with chopsticks holding “kantak”, on it!
“ Maybe our approach was wrong. Maybe if we had….”
“ Let’s not second guess ourselves Matt. We did our best. If people like him don’t take our message seriously, then perhaps they do need wonton soup and pan fried noodles in chop suet to face Armageddon with.”
‘While your eggs Benedict and honey cured ham gives you a smug stairway to everlastin life in your bigoted head. And its chop suey not “suet” girl charmer,” was what I wanted to blurt out. But I held my piece.
So we walk down the street to a couple of more houses and like the man said they were all, ” gone –kun-foo”, that is, ‘not-at-homes’, in JW lingo. We just begun to move to house number four down the block, when we see sisters Denise Milton and Joan Seymour walkin toward us on the opposite side of the street. They cross over and Denise hello’s us and speaks to McDorf.
“Bro McDorf may I talk to you for a moment?” She seemed tense and kinda pale around the eyes like she’d been losin’ sleep and I wondered what the heck was botherin’ her. She always seemed cool and composed.
“Of course sister Milton . Hold up a minute. Why don’t we change partners . Sister Milton you could come with me and Bro Watters and sister Seymour could pair up to work the other side of the street?”
And I’m thinking,” Doesn’t this fit like a condom on your seduction scheme Mr. almost-eunuched. You ought to be inducted into the dodger-hall-of-fame. If that S. American blade had gotten two skips closer, you’d be singin’ tenor and shakin’ hands with Bruce Jenner ! ” But non-confrontational as my nature is, once again, I held my peace .
That’s McDorf. Mickey Dee-ing his date. Suave as milk shake and canny as a chess move. Sumbitch. I wasn’t lovin’ it. And me doing my damnest not to shower my pants like a dual flush restroom comforter.
………to be continued.