Dealing with Being DF'd

by ~Jen~ 26 Replies latest jw experiences

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  SnakesInTheTower

  jen...

  very sorry to hear that you are going through the emotional roller coaster that comes along with being DF. I am not DF but have been inactive for 3 years now. My mom is a JW and she struggles with my decisions, both with leaving the religion she raised me in, and my decisions in life since. As a former elder, I have had my hand in DFing others...and I have struggled with what I did to those people. In reality, I gave them their freedom, but in most cases they were not ready for that freedom.

  Since you are DF, and based on your OP, you personally seem ready for the freedom. What you are having a tough time dealing with is some of the fallout from being DF. Give your parents every opportunity to do the right thing, but don't set yourself up for disappointment. More often than not, the "religion" (ok, book publishing cult) will win out most of the time. Don't give up hope. There are many on this board that waited years for their family to come around. I have met some of them personally. It is what the JWs hope for in reverse....instead of waiting for loved ones to come into the Truth Lie, we are waiting for our loved ones to wake up and leave the cult.

  Meanwhile...good for you having the strength to leave and show the kids there is freedom in life. You will not regret it.

  Snakes (Rich )
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  dinah

  Welcome, Jen!

  I've been df'd for over 20 years. Yes, at first it was really bad. My Mom and Great-Grandmother were the only close relatives I had who were Witnesses, so I can't really give you much advice, since luckily, I didn't lose my family.

  The only thing I would say is make sure you raise your kids to see through "the Truth" Teach them what it really is. Looking back, the thing I'm most thankful for is that my children were never indoctrinated with this crap. They are 16 and 13, and they get to have normal lives. Your babies are still young, so you have time on your side there.

  It does get better, Jen.
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  ~Jen~

  Thank you so much, your responses really do mean a lot to me right now.

  OnTheWayOut - this is something that I've already discussed with my lawyer. I was thinking about it more and it's really not a step I'm ready to take right now especially with having the kids. However my lawyer did say that there is nothing that the EX can do unless the kids are not safe.

  WTWizard - my parents really do love me. I know that. It's just they are torn. I am hoping they will come around.

  Damocles - your post meant a lot to me. I'm still dealing with feelings of giving my kids a better life vs. feeling horribly guilty because they are now in a divided home. The EX wasn't a horrible person and I do have guilt for leaving him. We had major issues in the bedroom because of his fears of "God watching" and being unclean with his own other issues on top of that. And he didn't know how to care for me emotionally - his controlling parent moved into our basement and he started taking his parents side and throwing me "under the bus" every chance he could get. he wouldn't listed to anything I was saying and didn't care. Still, when I left it was a shock to his system because "people don't get divorced in the "truth"" He just expected that I would sit there and he didn't have to deal with anything because he just assumed I'd always be around. The whole marriage wasn't horrible, but he definitely was the wrong person for me. More like a brother than a husband lol. But alas - we married because he was spiritual *sigh*.

  To be honest - I left because of stress in the marriage and at the time I still thought it was the "truth" but had so many doubts and knew from the hypocrisy I saw that even if it was the "truth" that I didn't want to live forever with these people. I was also feeling so weighed down - feeling like I could never do enough or be enough and I wasn't going to make it anyways. Then a friend of mine who left about 3 years ago pointed me to this website and I was relieved to find out that it really isn't the true religion! That at least the guilt that they tried to use about not being able to live forever with my kids wasn't true.

  Anyways, I've seen the light finally. But this is tough. SO tough. I've been told what to do my whole life and even though I feel so free now it's still extremely scary.
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  ~Jen~

  So I have another question if anyone is still reading this.

  How do you deal with people? I have someone who is very much in my face about my decision - telling me that I should feel like it's a mistake. How could I just leave my husband (he wasn't THAT bad - but was physically and emotionally detached). She's determined to prove to me that things in the "world" are the same as things in the religion and that not wanting to be part of the religion was no reason to leave. Also asking me how my family and everyone shunning me could be worth it and pushing me to go back because things will be better for me back in even if I have to fake it than being "out" and having no one.

  Any idea how I can deal with her? This transition is very up and down for me and she makes me feel so guilty for making the choice even though I know she has no idea.
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  w021809

  I was disf'd a year ago - I have had such a hard few years to get through, some days are better than others. I was married to a very abusive and violent man for 10 years (who everyone thought was the perfect witness) - I was very young when i got married and was never very close to my parents. My parents never really thought much of my husband and I just always got on the best i could with what i was dealing with behind closed doors. He would manipulate every situation so that I ended up always feeling in the wrong when deep down I knew i'd done nothing. He was very clever at using words to hurt me and relished in his ability to make me feel insecure and young (he was older than me). Eventually after going on some business trips to the US and HongKong I realised I was able to get on with life without him, a friend at work helped me to leave him and we developed a wonderful relationship that has lasted ever since. I am so very happy now in my personal relationship and realise just how much I missed being married to such a hideous bully. The sad thing about all of this is that I lost my family and all my friends - although they all now realise what he was like and could empathise with why i left by choosing a new loving relationship ive lost everyone. I havent spoken or seen my family in 14 months and when i bump into ex friends that are still witnesses its incredibly upsetting and scary for me. Ive literally had to start a brand new life - make new friends etc. It has been very daunting and scary. I feel very angry as while we were going through our divorce I discovered that my husband of the time had starting dating a pioneer in a neighbouring hall but was keeping it a secret. I couldnt believe that he had managed to keep all his friends and keep a relationship a secret. We had been married for 10 yrs and he was genuinely devastated when i left him - he begged me to return and even went to anger management classes to try to help him be a better person. Once i filed for divorce he started dating - how upsetting??? I told the elders by email of this and they told me 'they would deal with it' - this was 4 months ago whats happened now??? The day our divorce was finalised he announced to everyone he was engaged!!! He got married 3 wks ago is still able to speak to everyone that i knew. My family found the whole thing so hard to deal with they decided to move away and as such i havent heard from them since. How can it be right that he can still see people but I suffer 10 yrs of abuse!!?? I was on the verge of suicide when I lived with him but this doesnt seem to matter?? To add insult to injury 2 of my older close friends have recently also been disf'd for leaving their husbands for very flimsy reasons (basically having blatent affairs because they were bored) now im not one to judge and i want them to be happy however their familys still speak to them and see them on a regular basis - this hurts me so much!! My father is an elder and my sis a reg pioneer which may make the situation worse however I feel very angry. My new partner is wonderful he has emailed my family and written to them about him so that they know i am with someone that will look after me. They have responded but have made it clear they do not want to meet, they have encouraged him to have a study and read the publications - but i find this all so unpersonal and cold. What do people think to my situation? Does anyone have any advice?
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  Emma

  First to Jen: You don't have to deal with her. You're right in your decision, please just walk away and start new. Without the jw's family or not. I lost my family, my mom got sick and died and no one told me till they needed my signature on a paper, but I am so much better off. You made the decision to Get Out, it will be really hard sometimes, and a relief others.

  I guess this can hold for wo21. Your family may be cordial to your new partner but their entire aim is to get him and then you in the borg. Sometimes things change, family members mellow or see the light, but this can never be counted on.

  You are both strong, capable, loving people. Others will see that and want to know you. My friends are truer to me than family ever was; I wish my family could know that kind of love and acceptance.

  Emma
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  mickahia

  It is painful Jen, but hang in there; things definitely get better. You get used to it and you get stronger and you grow and mature. Just don't talk to your children bad about their father or his religion, so that they will never see you as an adversary. My liberation started a year and a half ago and ended in disfellowshipping a year ago.

  I only had a daughter inside, but she has become inactive since. What I have to say may not be welcome by many in this forum, but TO ME what helped me to go through everything and kept me going and made me strong has been my faith in God. Fortunately I could make a very clear distinction between the JW religion and God+the bible and I didn't throw the baby together with the bathwater. My faith in God, the Bible and Jesuschrist are the same as ever, although now with a very different understanding as that of the WTS.

  If it fits your emotional situation and spiritual condition, go ahead and pray to our Heavenly Father. I believe He is there waiting for you to go to Him so that He can show you His hand in your life and you can enjoy His goodness. One day you may find peace in Him, as that beautiful hymn says "watching and waiting, looking above, filled with His goodness, lost in His love".

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9XZ_HSquUQ

  May our Father's blessing be with you and your children.