Sarnia resident shares his path from victim to conquering survivor.
By Angela Crich
Sarnia this week
As an adult, Ron D?Haene has never had a problem sharing his story of childhood sexual abuse.
?I never shied away from it in my adult life. It has always been about reaching other victims wherever possible, pulling it out of the closet, creating an awareness.?
However working in construction most of his life, D?Haene found that his audience wasn?t always willing to listen.
?I?ve watched almost all men, with very few exceptions, emotionally run away from me whenever I approach the topic ? Without exception, it hurts every time because men, whether victims or not, have shame attached to this subject.?
The Sarnia resident says that?s what drives him to keep telling his story.
Ron?s brother, Donald told the family?s story in his 2001 memoir, Father?s Touch, which is available at The Book Keeper in Northgate plaza and on the Web site www.fatherstouch.com.
A production company has produced a short film based on the first chapter of the book. The film is accessible on the Web site www.triggerstreet.com, where members are encouraged to vote on their favourites. If the film reaches the top 10 out of 1,000 films, it will go to professional film companies.
In January, Ron, Donald and other members of the D?Haene family will appear on the WTN network series Family Secrets. The episode is called When Nobody?s Looking.
Ron is also the sole male participant in the Sexual Assault Survivors? Centre?s Footsteps Tribute to Courage ? Never Walk Alone pathway in Centennial Park. His stone, entitled Emergence, includes his footprint, his brother?s Web site and four images in each of its corners. These depict the journey from a victim to a conquering survivor.
In the top left corner is a little child curled up. Ron says ?it shows the total victimization of the child.?
For Ron that began when he was 6. He recalls his genetic father threatening him not to tell anyone about the sexual abuse that was about to happen.
?Because he threatened me with my life, I knew his actions were wrong ? Not only did I believe then that he would kill me if I told, I believe that now.?
In the top right corner is a boy kneeling pushing away with both hands.
?This depicts me at age 13, when I realized it was up to me to stand against him because I was the oldest. I was starting to realize that I had to fight back even stronger.?
That incident occurred one day in the bush.
?My mom told me my genetic father and I were going hunting. It had been months since he had attacked me. I knew we weren?t going hunting ... We were in the middle of the bush. He?s holding the gun. I kept my distance because I knew what was coming. I turned on him and told him if he ever touched me again, I would kill him in his sleep ... He was the one who created that psychotic teenage boy. He knew I was serious by looking in my eyes.?
Although the abuse ended for Ron, it continued for his siblings. However, the abuse took on a different tactic. His father turned the abuse into a game instead of domination.
When Ron found out that his genetic father was still abusing his siblings, it led to an explosive fight and him being kicked out. Ron quit school, took two jobs, rented a house and began making plans to move his family in with him.
In the bottom right corner of the stone is a man standing with his head down, one arm pushing out. This depicts the moment that Ron, then 18, and his brother, Donald, then 15, took their mother Jeannette, sister Marina and younger brother Erik, and some belongings and fled their family home. It was eight months after Ron was kicked out.
In the bottom left corner is a man standing with his head up, reaching up. For Ron, it signifies himself at 30.
?It represents victory over being a victim of child abuse. Having gained the inner and mental strength to become a survivor, I became a determined man from that point on whose life was changed.?
Ron is now 46 and married to Christina. They have five children and five grandchildren.
?I am glad to breathe, to be alive. I love life. I?ve got five kids who love and respect me, five grandchildren who are learning to love and respect me. I am blessed from that.?
He has 14 male friends who were (and still are) willing to listen to his story. Ron also credits his faith in God, his wildlife project and his naturalist photography with helping him in the journey.
Ron has contact with his mother, brothers and sister. He does not speak to his genetic father (who is now living in the Philippines).
Throughout the years, the D?Haene family lived in 14 houses, most were located within a 40-km radius of Aylmer. The family spoke about the abuse to several authorities. However, it was to no avail.
Ron has two major goals for the pathway.
?If one victim, past tense or present, because of seeing the walkway gains the strength to call the Sexual Assault Survivors? Centre, it makes everything we?ve done a million times over worthwhile.?
His other goal is directed towards men of all ages and backgrounds.
?I hope that by turning the shame onto the predator and not onto the victim, we encourage all men to know there?s many forms of strength, not just intelligence, expertise or experience on a job, but also helping society be emotionally strong ? I believe it?s important that men realize if they do not stand with the victims, then they?re aiding and abetting the perpetrators by promoting the hidden.?
The Sexual Assault Survivors? Centre has a 24-hour crisis line at 337-3320 or call 337-3154 for information. |
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