LyinEyes	Re: Repressed, Triggered and Recovered Memories
	Big Tex, it takes alot of courage to be able to tell your story,,,,,,because I know it is so very painful to tell it. I am sure you are helping alot of people understand what child abuse does to a little kid and also what the after effects are to a grown man. What happened in the past doesnt stay in the past, it will come out sooner or later. You know we have talked about my memories and feelings about this matter and I still am afraid to let myself think too deeply about it , afraid of what I might find out, even thou i know in my gut,some things. I can give you an example of just one thing that happened to me when I was around the age of 9 or 10, something like that, that in my opinion proves that we can block memories and events completely out of our minds. My mother's younger brother was in college and came to visit us and bring one of his college buddies along. Well this friend of my uncles,,,,,,touched me in the back seat of my mother's car, my mom and her brother were in the front . I wont go into details of what the guy did, but it made me sick feeling, I was so scared I was going to get in trouble for it. I remember the outfit I had on, my hair was in braids, and we were in the parking lot of Sears. The car was a Lincoln, beige leather seats. He wore glasses and an army type jacket. I had forgotten all about this whole incident , until I was about 13, my mother and her mother had been fighting for years,,,,,,,my grandmother was quiet the looney bird........I asked Mama why she and Grandma were not speaking,,,,,,,,,,My mother said, you know it is still over that thing that happened with you and Tommy's friend..........I said what are you talking about,,,,,,,,, and she told me that I went to her one night crying, and after my uncle and his friend left, I told her about it. She was so angry she said that she called her mom up and told her that Tommy her brother was always welcome at our home but not that friend. My grandmother construed it , like my mother didnt want her brother there which was far for the case. So they were at odds because my grandmother was crazy and was until the day she died, a few months back. She was cruel and mean and my aunt , mama's sister , didnt have anything to do with the woman after mama died. They lived in the same town and didnt speak, although my aunt did try , it was hopeless and she just let my crazy ole grandmother alone. When mama told me about, it and said that guys name,,,,,,,,it all came back to me that very minute. I don't know if it was the anger in my mom's voice all over again, her look,,,,,, my feelings of shame and guilt like it was my fault ,,,,,but something triggered it back, in great detail. I swear I had no memory of it before. I still to this day think my mother in her unbalanced way , that she had at times, kind of did blame me for what happened, not in that it was my choice but that so many things seemed to center around me, and she was often jealous of me , and any attention I got . It was a very dysfunctional family , too much to tell, things I am not comfortable talking about . So , I am saying that I ,  know 100% in my case , my mother being a witness to the events that took place and told me, and then me remembering in detail all of the events when it was triggered , that it really did happen. I even remembered the smell of the popcorn we got from Sears. Big Tex, I am sure what you are feeling are true things that happened to you. Like you said it is not the details that really matter but that a little boy was hurt and you have to find the reasons ,,,,,, I know it is important for us when we are ready to find the cause of our pain. You have done a remarkable job in being your own investigator, your own advocate in finding out what happened to you and telling about it. Nina is a wonderful woman to walk that hard road you have in front of you,,,, I wish you both peace and healing. I always enjoy what you have learned about yourself along your road to healing, even thou it hurts me that you were hurt , and that it still hurts you. You have helped me alot in helping me to understand things I was feeling but didnt understand. You have walked out of something horrible , something that is so hard as a mother myself to even phatom , how anyone could do that to a child........into a strong man, who is brave enough to tell the truth, and yet still has so much heart and soul , that you reach out to others so eagerly. I thank you for so much for that, and for you just being the wonderful person you are.
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