First of all, let me say that many, if not most, of my memories of abuse and early childhood were recovered. Some people feel that this diminishes my experience, or in some way denies what happened. I don't.
I suffered from major depression and was quite suicidal for 2 years before something happened to trigger my memories. September 1, 1987 my wife and I were in a hotel room in Paris. I had remarked how similar the countryside was to a home I had in the Ozarks when I was little. Late that night, after splitting a bottle of wine and feeling very relaxed and mellow, we were talking about my depression. Neither one of us knew why I was feeling so sad, so angry and in so much pain all the time. I was 25 and in the prime of my life and yet I was tired all the time, I slept 10 hours a night, I had gained 30 pounds and I was miserable. I hadn't been this way before, so what was going on?
This was a subject we had discussed many times, but I could not express to her how badly I felt. We had talked about reasons, but I honestly did not know. Even though I remembered nothing of the first 7 years, I thought my childhood was quite normal. My parents were a bit cold and even mean sometimes, but I thought it was understandable considering I was such a rotten person. I felt I deserved to be treated that way. However, I also had screaming nightmares 4 or 5 times a week for as long as I could remember. Often I could not remember what the nightmare was about. After we got married, Nina had told me that she often heard me scream, "No!! Don't kill me!"
Anyway, that night as we were talking, she asked me if I had ever been threatened or perhaps even abused as a child. I quickly told her no, it was impossible. Then she leaned over to me getting within a few inches of my face and said, "Did anyone ever say to you -- 'If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you?'"
To this day I don't remember what happened next. She said I began screaming and retreated into a corner saying "My God, my God get away from me, don't touch me!" over and over.
Over the next 3 or 4 months I began having little blips of memory. Sometimes it would be something inocuous, like playing in an inflatable wading pool with my sister, or remembering how my room looked when I was 4. I even remembered having a cowboys and indians bedspread. However, at other times I remembered other, more hideous things such as being raped by my grandfather while my mother stood in the doorway.
I did not believe what I was remembering. I did not think it was possible to have had such trauma and forget it. I am a very stubborn and skeptical person. It takes a lot before I will change my mind, and I needed proof. So I began a very quiet investigation. The first person I talked with was my maternal grandmother. I told her the memory I had about her ex-husband and she did not blink an eye. She looked at me for a long time, like she was debating over what to say. Then she said, "Honey, that was a very bad time, so I don't remember much about it. However I do believe he was capable of doing just what you said."
She told me how my paternal aunt (father's sister) had molested all of her children and my paternal uncle (father's brother) was an alcoholic and had molested his son. Interestingly, he and I were the only boys on my father's side of the family and we both changed our names legally when we grew up. Then she said something very curious, "Your parents ran around with a pretty wild crowd. Hon, just about anything you remember will probably be true."
Well that still wasn't enough for me. I began doing geneology research. I talked with the editor of the newspaper in my parent's little hometown. I talked with their old next door neighbor. I talked with a pediatrician. I wrote hospitals and other doctors. I talked with my other grandmother (my dad's mother). By this time I had other darker and more abusive memories. My list of rapists had expanded from just my grandfather to include my mother, my father and one of his friends. I had begun to remember an almost frenzied couple of years (ages 3-4 1/2) of oral sex, sodomy and orgies. I told most of this to my other grandmother. She also did not bat an eye. She was not shocked. She told me that she did not see anything happen (I had asked specifically because the elders had demanded an eyewitness) but she did tell me she suspected something at the time. She told me once she was babysitting me and my grandfather (the rapist) came to pick me up. I was 3. She remembered I had told him, "I don't know who you are, but I want you to leave because you make me nervous." She said she always remembered that not only because of how I said it but also because of his reaction which left her feeling something was not right. But she never said or did anything.
She confirmed some "normal" memories I had recovered, such as my parents had a lake house and a boat. My dad also owned a grocery store, and I described it for her in detail, and she confirmed I had recovered the memory correctly. I told her what my other grandmother had said about my aunt (her daughter) molesting her children. She said that two of the children had told her stories just as I was doing and she believed them, just as she believed me.
Then she began telling me stories I had not heard before, such as my parents and my aunt commiting her to a psychiatric hospital and filing suit in order to get her money. In 1966 she was worth between $300,000 and $400,000. She said she contacted her lawyer who had her released that day. She said she sent my father a Hallmark card that said, "If I'm crazy what does that make you?" She also told me my mother had a miscarriage 2 years before I was born and that my mother's mother (my maternal grandmother) had kept the fetus in a mason jar. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
I then got in touch with my mother's sister who also was not surprised at what I had recovered. She confirmed all of what both grandmothers told me. She said she was not an eyewitness to any rape, but she said both sides of the family were rotten to the core with my parents being the worst. She told me she had felt sorry for me because I didn't deserve what had happened. She gave me more information about my childhood and the extended family than either grandmother. She told me her father had raped his son when he was a child. According to her, my grandfather was "a sex addict". Not the word I would use, but it does capture the spirit. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
At home, I have a box of notes, photographs and letters that I kept while I was in therapy. There is a lot more that happened that I haven't talked about online. And there are a couple of questions I still have, the biggest is regarding a cryptic comment my paternal grandmother said to me: "After they were run out of town, your parents moved to Dallas." She never would explain that comment, and neither would anyone else. Why were my parents run out of town? And by who?
As I understand it, the current thinking in psychological circles is that repressed memories are false, implanted by the therapist. According to this thinking, anything recovered should be ignored. I have no doubt that this has happened, but I do not think the idea that an experience which can be so traumatic that it is buried or even forgotten should be discarded just because of a few rogue psychologists.
I think the memory should be validated, but at the same time I think it is also very important that HOW one feels about that memory is even more important. Is the experience frightening, shaming or does it bring up anger? These emotions should be dealt with. But I think it is a mistake to jettison something recovered just because it is out of vogue with the current thought.
In my own experience I don't know if I have every detail correct. Was it day or night? Did this rape occur in my bedroom or outdoors? Ultimately I do not think it matters. The most important thing is I know something hideous and frightening happened to a little boy. So far everything I've talked about online has been only the memories for which I have confirmation. There are other, more bizarre and crazy memories which give me goosebumps even as I'm writing this. But I could not get anyone to confirm them (although it was odd the way people wouldn't talk), so I won't go there.
Peace,
Chris
I suffered from major depression and was quite suicidal for 2 years before something happened to trigger my memories. September 1, 1987 my wife and I were in a hotel room in Paris. I had remarked how similar the countryside was to a home I had in the Ozarks when I was little. Late that night, after splitting a bottle of wine and feeling very relaxed and mellow, we were talking about my depression. Neither one of us knew why I was feeling so sad, so angry and in so much pain all the time. I was 25 and in the prime of my life and yet I was tired all the time, I slept 10 hours a night, I had gained 30 pounds and I was miserable. I hadn't been this way before, so what was going on?
This was a subject we had discussed many times, but I could not express to her how badly I felt. We had talked about reasons, but I honestly did not know. Even though I remembered nothing of the first 7 years, I thought my childhood was quite normal. My parents were a bit cold and even mean sometimes, but I thought it was understandable considering I was such a rotten person. I felt I deserved to be treated that way. However, I also had screaming nightmares 4 or 5 times a week for as long as I could remember. Often I could not remember what the nightmare was about. After we got married, Nina had told me that she often heard me scream, "No!! Don't kill me!"
Anyway, that night as we were talking, she asked me if I had ever been threatened or perhaps even abused as a child. I quickly told her no, it was impossible. Then she leaned over to me getting within a few inches of my face and said, "Did anyone ever say to you -- 'If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you?'"
To this day I don't remember what happened next. She said I began screaming and retreated into a corner saying "My God, my God get away from me, don't touch me!" over and over.
Over the next 3 or 4 months I began having little blips of memory. Sometimes it would be something inocuous, like playing in an inflatable wading pool with my sister, or remembering how my room looked when I was 4. I even remembered having a cowboys and indians bedspread. However, at other times I remembered other, more hideous things such as being raped by my grandfather while my mother stood in the doorway.
I did not believe what I was remembering. I did not think it was possible to have had such trauma and forget it. I am a very stubborn and skeptical person. It takes a lot before I will change my mind, and I needed proof. So I began a very quiet investigation. The first person I talked with was my maternal grandmother. I told her the memory I had about her ex-husband and she did not blink an eye. She looked at me for a long time, like she was debating over what to say. Then she said, "Honey, that was a very bad time, so I don't remember much about it. However I do believe he was capable of doing just what you said."
She told me how my paternal aunt (father's sister) had molested all of her children and my paternal uncle (father's brother) was an alcoholic and had molested his son. Interestingly, he and I were the only boys on my father's side of the family and we both changed our names legally when we grew up. Then she said something very curious, "Your parents ran around with a pretty wild crowd. Hon, just about anything you remember will probably be true."
Well that still wasn't enough for me. I began doing geneology research. I talked with the editor of the newspaper in my parent's little hometown. I talked with their old next door neighbor. I talked with a pediatrician. I wrote hospitals and other doctors. I talked with my other grandmother (my dad's mother). By this time I had other darker and more abusive memories. My list of rapists had expanded from just my grandfather to include my mother, my father and one of his friends. I had begun to remember an almost frenzied couple of years (ages 3-4 1/2) of oral sex, sodomy and orgies. I told most of this to my other grandmother. She also did not bat an eye. She was not shocked. She told me that she did not see anything happen (I had asked specifically because the elders had demanded an eyewitness) but she did tell me she suspected something at the time. She told me once she was babysitting me and my grandfather (the rapist) came to pick me up. I was 3. She remembered I had told him, "I don't know who you are, but I want you to leave because you make me nervous." She said she always remembered that not only because of how I said it but also because of his reaction which left her feeling something was not right. But she never said or did anything.
She confirmed some "normal" memories I had recovered, such as my parents had a lake house and a boat. My dad also owned a grocery store, and I described it for her in detail, and she confirmed I had recovered the memory correctly. I told her what my other grandmother had said about my aunt (her daughter) molesting her children. She said that two of the children had told her stories just as I was doing and she believed them, just as she believed me.
Then she began telling me stories I had not heard before, such as my parents and my aunt commiting her to a psychiatric hospital and filing suit in order to get her money. In 1966 she was worth between $300,000 and $400,000. She said she contacted her lawyer who had her released that day. She said she sent my father a Hallmark card that said, "If I'm crazy what does that make you?" She also told me my mother had a miscarriage 2 years before I was born and that my mother's mother (my maternal grandmother) had kept the fetus in a mason jar. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
I then got in touch with my mother's sister who also was not surprised at what I had recovered. She confirmed all of what both grandmothers told me. She said she was not an eyewitness to any rape, but she said both sides of the family were rotten to the core with my parents being the worst. She told me she had felt sorry for me because I didn't deserve what had happened. She gave me more information about my childhood and the extended family than either grandmother. She told me her father had raped his son when he was a child. According to her, my grandfather was "a sex addict". Not the word I would use, but it does capture the spirit. She also told me, "It was a bad time."
At home, I have a box of notes, photographs and letters that I kept while I was in therapy. There is a lot more that happened that I haven't talked about online. And there are a couple of questions I still have, the biggest is regarding a cryptic comment my paternal grandmother said to me: "After they were run out of town, your parents moved to Dallas." She never would explain that comment, and neither would anyone else. Why were my parents run out of town? And by who?
As I understand it, the current thinking in psychological circles is that repressed memories are false, implanted by the therapist. According to this thinking, anything recovered should be ignored. I have no doubt that this has happened, but I do not think the idea that an experience which can be so traumatic that it is buried or even forgotten should be discarded just because of a few rogue psychologists.
I think the memory should be validated, but at the same time I think it is also very important that HOW one feels about that memory is even more important. Is the experience frightening, shaming or does it bring up anger? These emotions should be dealt with. But I think it is a mistake to jettison something recovered just because it is out of vogue with the current thought.
In my own experience I don't know if I have every detail correct. Was it day or night? Did this rape occur in my bedroom or outdoors? Ultimately I do not think it matters. The most important thing is I know something hideous and frightening happened to a little boy. So far everything I've talked about online has been only the memories for which I have confirmation. There are other, more bizarre and crazy memories which give me goosebumps even as I'm writing this. But I could not get anyone to confirm them (although it was odd the way people wouldn't talk), so I won't go there.
Peace,
Chris
